Cyanide and Suicide
by shinysilver
Summary: Currently being revised and fixed.
1. Mad World

**Yay Finally its up! This story has been my baby since...about the middle of June. It's completely different than anything else I've ever written, and its also the longest thing I've ever written :-). Forgive any mistakes you find, because I start to type fast and skip or write the wrong words...and I don't have a beta :-(. I liked the idea of different points of view from my story The Lost and The Broken, so I went along the same path in this one, only a different character's point of view each chapter. I also named each chapter after a song title. Because I felt like it. There is also OOC in this story, because some characters I just really suck at writing. (Ex. Saix X-( )**

**I am also fairly certain no mental institute anywhere in the world is run in this fashion, has horribly named hallways, and any other mental hospital crack you are bound to find this story. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing from Kingdom Hearts, names, Klondike bars, hot pockets, etc. I think I even got the name Dr. Reynolds of a diet pill commercial...**

**Rated M for foul language, hints of sexual activities, actual sexual contact, boy on boy love, some violence, character death, and lots and lots of nifty crack. **

**Pairings: Marluxia/Saix Demyx/Zexion a tad bit of Marluxia/Vexen and a possible Axel/Roxas and maybe a surprise pairing...maybe...**

**Oh yea, and vegetable lasagna is actually the best thing on this planet, but I made it sound kind of yucky in here. Don't listen to me. It's the best thing ever. Go eat some.**

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**Chapter 1**

_Mad World_

_(Zexion)_

* * *

_And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad. The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had. –Gary Jules__

* * *

_

"I'm not insane." How many times had I told him this? Ten? Fifteen?

"Zexion, we've already been over this. No one is calling you insane." I huffed and turned my eyes away from him again. I wished he would leave me alone and just let me go home. But then again, I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to go there either. My own mother thought I was crazy too, that's why she brought me to this mental hospital in the first place. She was the reason Dr. Reynolds was giving me the look he was right now.

"You attempted suicide and seem to be deeply troubled by…" I blocked out his voice and stared out the window instead. Where the hell was Ienzo? He promised he would be here to help bail me out, since it was kind of his fault I was here anyway.

"Zexion!" I was suddenly aware of the aging doctor's big hand on my arm. I focused my eyes reluctantly on him. His eyes were hard, his mouth a thin line of aggravation. "Have you been listening to a word I've been telling you?"

"Yea. You told me I was suicidal, even though I'm not." I stared back at him, willing him to remove his hand and stop looking at me like that.

"Well what would you call it then?" I gave him a confused look, forcing him to explain. "What would you say happened?"

I couldn't take it anymore. I shrugged myself away from his touch. "Ienzo told me that it's what I had to do. We had many long discussions about it."

The so called doctor leaned back in his chair and rubbed his temples. "Oh Zexion not Ienzo again. You know he doesn't exist."

"Yes, he does." I felt my face immediately flare with heat. Ienzo was my best and only friend, my mentor. He told me everything I ever needed to know and had been with me through everything since I was ten years old.

"Let's just _pretend _he exists. Just this once. How would you describe your connection to him?" Dr. Reynolds continued, putting heavy emphasis on the word pretend. I was starting to strongly dislike the way he crossed one leg to rest his heel on his left knee and the way he clasped his hands together across his oversized stomach.

"Ienzo is kind of like...an alter ego to me per say, but he has a lot more intelligence than I do." I leaned back in my chair, doing a bad impression of his posture to see what he would do. He ignored it.

"Seems to me that Ienzo is a bad influence. He is the main reason you are here." He glanced down at his watch. "I wonder where your mother is."

As if on queue my mother burst through the heavy wooden door, carrying a small duffel bag. She dropped it carelessly on the floor, running to me and pulling me into a hug as if it had been months and not mere days since she had seen me last.

"Oh baby I've missed you!" She plopped down into the chair next to me, giving me a warm smile. I tried to smile back at her in reassurance, but it was hard given the fact I was about to be admitted into a mental hospital. Where the hell was Ienzo?

Dr. Reynolds went into discussion with my mother, and I went back to staring fretfully out the window. If Ienzo didn't get here soon, who knew what would happen? The sudden silencing of voices and the scratch of a pen brought me out of my worried sense of mind. I turned around to discover my mother signing something.

"What's that?" Neither of them bothered to answer me, though their reactions to my question were evident. My mother's cheeks flared slightly red, and Dr. Reynolds cleared his throat and shifted positions in his chair. Both of them refused eye contact with me, so I leaned forward to see what it was.

Admittance Papers.

"Mom…" My voice came out barely in a worried whisper, but she hear my anyway. Instantly she put down the pen and looked at me, care and anxiousness filling her eyes. Reynolds was staring at me too.

"You can't sign anything until Ienzo gets here." My mother's face fell instantly, making my stomach clench. Reynolds eyes hardened.

"Honey no matter what…I…Ie…Ienzo says, you need to stay here just for a little while. It will help you." She looked steadily into my eyes, as if begging me to agree with her.

I couldn't

"I don't need anyone's help." I resisted the urge to cringe at how whiny my voice sounded.

"This will be good for you Zexion, I promise. I'm sure you'll grow to like…" She never got to assure me of what I would soon grow to like. The heavy door slammed open for a second time that afternoon as a blonde boy danced his way into the overly crowded room.

"Hey Dr. R." The boy said, flopping down on one of the many couches. He was wearing a plain, light blue t-shirt and simply grey sweatpants. He also had one of the weirdest hairstyles I had ever seen. It was kind of a mullet, but also a mohawk. The image of him made my stomach churn all the more. Where was my mother sending me?

"Ah Demyx. I had forgotten our special appointment today. I'll be with you in a minute."

* * *

My mother had left me. Signed a couple more papers and left, despite my protests, begging, and then down right pleading. Left me alone in this place full of insane and psychopathic people, leaving me no other choice but to solemnly follow some nurse down a maze of hallways to my new "room." I carried the duffel bag on my shoulder, clutching my notebook to my chest. I was already weirded out enough, and we weren't even halfway to my room yet. 

A florescent light swung to and fro from the slightly cracked ceiling, casting eerie shadows across already torn and hideous faces. An old man was sitting hunched over in a worn-out wheel chair, rocking back and forth and muttering to himself something inaudible and incoherent to the rest of the world. A middle aged woman who was leaning on the door to her room, her hard glare fixed on me as I passed by, her long blonde hair sticking out in all directions.

And then Ienzo decided to finally show up.

His hair was perfectly in place as always, not a strand independently standing out. The rest of him, however, was frazzled. His long scientist like coat was unbuttoned except for one button in the middle, which was shoved into the wrong slit on the other side, the tails billowing out behind him. His dark colored shirt was crumpled, looking like he had pulled it out of the dryer before it had dried completely. His eyes kept darting around, and he seemed hurried.

"Where have you been?" I hissed under my breath. I couldn't help but be mad at him somewhat for abandoning me when I needed him the most.

Ienzo shrugged, as if my being declared mentally insane wasn't that important. "I was busy and I couldn't come right away. I glared at my slightly egotistical counter part. I swear sometimes he could be so selfish.

"Well thanks to your oh so busy schedule I've been officially labeled a suicidal insane freak." The women leading me glanced back curiously at me over her shoulder.

"Keep your voice down!" Ienzo sounded just as pissed off at me as I was at him, though I saw no reason for him to be so.

"I can't help it when my life has been ruined!" We turned a corner into a new hallway, where the bright lights were flickering off and on occasionally, making everything around me look even more grotesque. Ienzo put his hands on his hips, giving me the "Look." The Look was his special way of telling me to shut up and that I was being melodramatic and over-reacting.

"Zexion hush. You are over-reacting again. Just calm down and listen to me. We'll get you out of this…eventually." Ienzo murmured, his eyes still darting to and fro across the long gloomy hallway.

"How, oh great Ienzo, how?" I snapped back. The aforementioned scientist sighed heavily, closing his eyes. I was vaguely aware of the nurse ahead of us listening silently to our conversation.

"I don't know at this particular moment in time Zex, so chill. Besides, I warned you if you used pills it wouldn't work." Ienzo looked away from me pretending to be absorbed in studying a man with blue hair who was sitting on a bench outside of an office.

I started to come back with a snap reply, but I silenced as soon as I caught sight of the blue-haired man. He was dressed similar to the blonde boy I had seen earlier in Dr. Reynolds office, a plain t-shirt and sweatpants, both in black. He was sitting leisurely on the bench, hands brought together over his knees. He didn't look like he belonged here at all, a refreshing change from the lunatics I was seeing around every turn. He gave off the vibe that he was surprisingly stable. But his eyes scared me. The yellow-ish colored irises seemed to bore into Ienzo and I, giving me the sense that he was staring right through my exterior, discovering all my secrets and my past. It made me shiver and look away as we continued our shuffle down the hallway. Ienzo, however, held his gaze strong upon the other man as we trudged passed him. Ienzo was good at glaring people down and getting them to submit. The man, however, did not. I could still feel his heated gaze on my back until we turned another corner.

Ienzo cleared his throat to get my attention again. "As I was saying, you should have used the gun. It would have been full-proof." Ienzo's voice was emotionless, fueling my inner fire that was presiding in my belly all the more.

"You said it once and you said there would have been a lot of bloodshed. I couldn't have done that to my mother!" As I was shout-whispering we passed by a man with a long streaked pony tail and an eye-patch. The look on his face was both confused and slightly amused. Ienzo tugged on my arm impatiently, forcing me to look away from the eye patch holder.

"I wasn't all gung-ho for the idea in the first place. Do you think I really wanted to lose you? I just went along with it because it was what you cared about so much." Ienzo narrowed his eyes as he hissed at me. "Why the hell do you think I disappeared before you did it?"

"I didn't want to give my mom any more trouble in her life! And if you were oh so disapproving why didn't you…" I let my voice trail as I spotted yet another couple of people watching me. This time it was two boys who couldn't have been much older than me staring at me much like the blue-haired man two or three hallways ago. I was getting tired of random people watching me. One boy had extremely red hair, styled in the most peculiar fashion, its spikes of all sizes shooting up in several directions, yet it looked styled and well put together at the same time. But what attracted me more were his eyes. They were a brilliant shade of green; with two almost tear drop shaped tattoos underneath them. He was wearing a grey t-shirt and dark blue sweatpants. The other boy was just slightly shorter than the other, but only by an inch or two. Both of them almost towered over me. The slightly shorter boy had rosy colored hair that tumbled down just passed his shoulders. His bright blue eyes were glinting as he watched me pass. He was wearing a long-sleeved plain black shirt and red sweatpants with white stripes up the side. The red-head smirked as we passed by them.

"Ignore them. Just ignore everyone right now, ok? Everyone in here are just lunatics, and you're just a pretty new face to look at." Ienzo growled. He often told me that my looks distracted people and got me into trouble. I don't believe him. I pushed him slightly as the nurse turned a finally corner and stopped in outside a worn wooden door with 379E printed across it in pale, yellow lettering. I glanced down the hallway I was in, noticing the walls were the same pale yellow as the numbers on my door. There were twelve doors in total in the bright yet desolate hallway.

"Here we are Zexion. Home sweet home." The cheerfully fake girl said, pushing the door open with great gusto. She ushered me inside, Ienzo right her. She informed me of when dinner was and left.

I heart the unmistakable sound of a key sliding into the lock.

Perfect. Now I was trapped like a doomed lab rat. Ienzo scoffed, surveying the tiny room.

"Zex, I'm sorry but I've got to leave. But don't worry. I'll be back as soon as a can and we will get you out of the conundrum." He voice was surprisingly soft, as if the sight of my prison cell had made the situation of my problem suddenly unmistakably real.

Ienzo put his arms around me in a soft of hug, though it was brief. He pulled back and smiled back at me, ruffling my hair.

Then, just like that, he was gone.

I envied his ability to come and go as he pleased, no matter where he was or what ever was going on.

I set the duffel bag down on the shaggy carpet and set my notebook on the desk. I surveyed the small space. A double bed was shoved in the farthest corner of the room. A closet was imbedded in the wall closest to the foot of the bed. I opened it to examine its size. There was barely enough room for me to stand comfortably in it.

Next to the closest was a deep cut in the wall, where the dresser was. It had four drawers in it. The desk was parallel to the bed on the wall near the door. Two long shelves were on the empty wall that ran from the desk to the bed. A small nightstand was propped up next to the bed. The quilt, carpet, and the walls themselves were all unfortunately the same sickening bright sunny yellow as the hallway. The bottom third of the wall was covered with a wooden pattern of both shallow and deep cut diamonds. A thick trim ran across both the bottoms and tops of the walls. Everything wood in the room, on the walls, the desk, shelves, dresser etc, was the same exact light shade of wood.

There was a small waste basket made of yellow plastic next to the desk. Two wooden cabinets mounted the wall above the closet. There was no adjoining door to a bathroom.

That was it.

Wearily I sank onto the edge of the bed. I couldn't stay here. The bright yellow was already making me feel queasy, which wasn't good considering if I was locked in here with not bathroom access. What happened if I needed to…

A pale blue piece of paper was placed on the top of the puffy yellow comforter in the middle of the bed, catching my eye and delaying my nausea because it wasn't a nasty yellow like everything else and was almost calming to look at. I picked it up gingerly and started to read the dark print:

**Greetings Zexion:**

We are hoping you find your room both comforting and homely.

We extend our deepest love and concern to you and know you will find your stay here worthwhile. You have been deemed mentally and physically stable enough to eat meals in the dining hall (under guidance). We encourage you to converse with your fellow companions.

Meal times are as follows:

Breakfast: 8:30 A.M.

Lunch: 1:00 P.M.

Dinner: 7:00 P.M.

Attached to this paper is a list of rules and regulations you are expected to oblique to and follow. You are required to wear the uniform of plain shirts (long and short sleeved) and cotton made sweatpants.

Your counseling and therapy group times will be given to you at a later time. Since you are currently enrolled in high school, you will attend classes four days a week. This schedule will be given to you along with your counseling schedule.

We hope you will find great solace and reassurance here in your new home.

The Ballatine Staff

I kept staring at the paper, partly because it wasn't yellow and partly because I didn't want to believe its words. Counseling? Therapy sessions? A dress code? This was just getting worse and worse by the minute. I moaned, leaning back against the bed, closing my eyes so the yellow wouldn't blur my vision and make me nauseous again.

* * *

After what seemed like hours I opened my eyes again to look at the small digital clock on the desk across the room. 6:30. I had mixed feeling about dinner. I was exactly one to hop right in the crowd and converse, especially given the current situation. But then again, I was accepting of anything that got me away from my own personal splatter of sunshine. 

I heaved myself off of the bed, and opened the black duffel bag. Sweat pants and plain long and short sleeved shirts of several different colors filled the bag. I pulled out the few non-plain shirts and jeans and dress pants, putting each item carefully away in the top drawer of the dresser. I then sorted through my new boring attire before I chose a short sleeved black shirt and grey sweatpants. The rest of the clothes I threw haphazardly into the other drawers of the dresser and shoved the bag into one of the cabinets.

After changing I sat down in the desk chair, wishing Ienzo was here to help me or at least keep me company. I let my mind drift, wondering what you had to do around her to be able to personalize your prison cell room. If I could get enough posters and maybe some dark curtains, I could mellow down the yellow. And I wanted books. I needed them. My mother had been thoughtful enough to throw some books into my duffel bag, but they wouldn't last me long in this place. I had already placed the four books on the lower shelf, despising how empty it looked.

A loud knock on the door startled me out of my thoughts. I heard the lock creak as a different woman than before bustled in, a cheery shit-eating-grin plastered across her already wide face.

"I'm here to take you to the dining hall for dinner!" Her voice was too loud, too scratchy and energetic, too fake. I gave her a loathing look, but all did was wave it away with a flip of her drab orange curls with a fat hand.

"Oh pish-posh Zexion, don't be like that. Now come!" She barked out the last to words bossily, grabbing my wrists and forcing me to stand up. Before I had the chance to argue with her she pushed me out into the hallway, ushering me into the main hallway and down the stairs to the main floor.

I growled heavy obscenities at her as she dragged me through the dining hall by my arm.

"See this isn't so bad now is it sugar?" The annoyingly dense woman said in her fake cheery tone. "Just get some food and find a place to sit! I'll be back soon to take you back to your room!" What was I? I five year old that needed his hand held to walk across the street? I her retreating back a look of death before reluctantly joining the line of depressed and psychotic people, scanning the dim room for an empty table that I could sit at.

"If you play along with her 'the world is a happy place' attitude, she'll eventually leave you alone." The deep voice behind me made my jump as I spun to face the owner of it. The man standing in front of me had to by far have the creepiest eyes I had ever seen. The bright orange flame irises felt like they were staring into my soul. Long, straight shiny silver (not grey) hair cascaded down well passed his shoulders. He towered over a foot above me. His shirt was deep blue, his pants black.

"She only goes after people who defy her and are normal." He continued, looking down at me.

"Normal? Who here would you define and normal?" I raised an eyebrow and him. He smiled as if I was amusing to him. I turned my head away.

"There is a group of us here, who don't really belong. There is nothing wrong with any of us, just misunderstood per say. We possess what you may call…alter egos." My head snapped up to look at him again. The dim lights caused his blank expression to look viler than what was meant. I took a step back, but managed to hold his eyes.

"What were you put in here for?" He said, suddenly changing the subject as we inched forward in the line. I gave him an odd look, but something urged me to answer him truthfully anyway."

"Ienzo." I tired to keep my voice flat and emotionless.

"And who is Ienzo? What did he do?" I narrowed my eyes at him again. We had almost reached the food servers.

"Well it's kind of hard to explain. I guess it's not all Ienzo's fault, but he basically helped me with my decision to commit suicide, and on top of that everyone acts like he isn't there and doesn't believe he exists. He's kind of like my…alter…ego…"My voice slowed and got lower as I remembered what he had said earlier. _We possess what you may call alter egos. _

The man smiled as if in victory as he picked up a tray and placed it on the slider. "You're one of us then." He said softly, so no one else could hear him but me. "I had a feeling you were when I first laid eyes on you." I stayed silent, following his actions and picking up a tray from the stack.

"What's your name anyway?" He reached out to accept a bowl of salad from one of the women behind the counter before he answered me. "Xemnas. And what is yours?"

"Zexion." I took a bowl from the lady too, following Xemnas down the line.

"Zexion." Xemnas repeated my name as if he was tasting it. "Come sit with us." He took another plate from different woman with something that looked like vegetable lasagna.

"Alright. Who's us?" I approached the spot Xemnas had just vacated and took my own plate of the goop. I slide the tray to the end, grabbing a foam cup and turned around to face all the tables. Xemnas was waiting for me.

"Us," He said, "Is everyone else here who are similar to you."

"So how many 'normal' ones are there of you?" I asked, maneuvering around an ancient lady who was standing in the middle of two tables, looking lost.

"Ten. Eleven, counting you." He rounded another table, heading towards the very back of the dining hall were there was hardly any monitors lurking about.

My eyes were still trying to adjust the poor lighting as Xemnas finally stopped next to a group of rectangular tables that had been shoved together to make one long table, and even then the people sitting around the table were crunched closely together. Xemnas sat down at the head of the table as if it were his rightful place. Everyone else at the table seemed to have a spot too, almost just like highschool. I was about to turn away and find a generally empty corner to sit and wallow in my own sorrows when a man with short reddish-brown hair and the one sitting next to him scooted away from each other while the whole table shifted around just to make room for me. Not knowing what else to do I cautiously sat down in the empty spot. Glancing at the blue haired man next to me I recognized him as the same guy I had seen earlier sitting on the bench with the striking yellowish eyes. I shifted my eyes around the table, trying to avoid catching his gaze again. I recognized a few others too. The two boys who had been standing together in the hallway, the man with the streaked ponytail and eye patch, and the boy with the mohawk/mullet who had burst into Dr. Reynolds' office.

"Who's the kid?" A man with serious side burns and almost dreadlock like hair asked, everyone else waiting for Xemnas' answer.

"His name is Zexion. He's one of us. I told you we were getting closer to being thirteen." Xemnas replied, spinning his slab of lasagna around, his voice as casual as if he were describing the weather forecast for the following Thursday. Table conversation died for some reason after that, though I was aching to be able to match a name to each face around me. I glanced down at my plate, deciding the food on the plastic square looked unappetizing. I didn't feel very hungry anyway.

"So what's your hall?" The man to my right's deep voice broke the silence, making me wince. I was considering just not answering him, but everyone had turned their attention to me.

"Um…Sunshine Sanctuary." I mumbled, straining to remember the name that had been on a plaque in the middle of the hall and across the top of my welcome paper. This earned a couple of snorts and stifled smiles across the table.

"Hey no worries Luxord's stuck in happy sunshine hell with you." The spiky red head said, smiling brightly at me. "Names Axel, by the way." He added, picking his food absentmindedly apart piece by piece. I took a mental note of his face to his name and started scanning the others faces for one that looked like a Luxord.

Luckily Axel took care of it for me by naming everyone off by what hall they resided in. During his explanation I learned three things. 1) I was lucky someone was in the same hall as me, 2) Everyone's name and location of course and 3) Who ever named these hallways needed some serious therapy themselves.

I scrambled to store in my memory everyone's name. The mohawk/mullet boy was named Demyx and he and a serious blonde haired man named Vexen resided in Peaceful Oceans. The blue-haired next to me was named Saix and lives in Meadows of Green. Axel lived in Strawberry Fields that he claimed matched the color of his hair. Lexaeus was the man to my right with the short hair and lived in the hallway across from mine, Winter Wonderland. The extreme side burned individual presided in Orange Blossoms was named Xaldin. Rosy hair boy turned out to be Marluxia, who was in Waves of Indigo. The eye patch holder was Xigbar who lived in Peach Orchids. Finally Xemnas was trapped in Purple Paradise. I also learned I could have gotten put in the Creamy Pink hallways, making me appreciate my own little private hell of yellow a bit more.

"So what did you exactly do to land yourself in here?" The man two places away from me, Xaldin I think, said, turning to look down at me.

"Well Ienzo and I planned out a suicide for me so life for my mom would be easier without me, so I downed a couple of bottles of pills." Why was I telling this all to a group of people of whom I had known a mere five minutes?

Before he could answer, my hall mate, Luxord, piped in. "So they declared you mentally unstable and on the borderline of insanity because you talked to someone they couldn't see so they threw you in here." I stared blankly at him. It was almost as if he could read my mind.

"Have all you done the same thing?" I asked in general to the table.

Most of them shook their heads. "No. The only other ones who tried the suicide approach were Marluxia, Xigbar, Demyx and I." Vexen cut in, stirring water around in his little Styrofoam cup.

Over the course of the remaining time at dinner I learned bits and pieces of my new comrades' pasts. Most of them had a relative or someone else turn them in for insanity, but others were more interesting. Demyx had attempted to shoot himself in the heart, but the bullet had hit his breastbone instead. Vexen attempted to poison himself but his neighbor discovered him before it could have its full effect. Xigbar had jumped off a cliff, resulting in his scar and eye patch. Saix had an interesting scar across his face that he said he could tell me about later. I admired Axel's story of running away and hopping on a plane to Guadalajara. His father unfortunately found his ticket information on the computer and the authorities were waiting for him when he landed. My favorite though, was Marluxia's of rolling his car off the highway in his attempt of suicide.

"You should come to my room tonight." Axel said. I raised an eyebrow at him, causing him to sigh and continue. "With Demyx and Marluxia. We are going to have an orgy." I choked on the water that was halfway down my throat. Axel laughed at my reaction. "I'm kidding you. We always hang out since we are the youngest in this group."

"But how? Don't they have security cameras or something?" Why wouldn't they in a place like this? I felt my face burn as snickers spread like wildfire across the table. Quickly I ducked my head so more strands of hair would fall across my face and hide it.

"It's easy. Just tell the night time checker that you are going to the bathroom to brush your teeth or something. They will leave your door unlocked for you and they don't ever check back in our ward." Demyx chimed in, cutting everything on his plate into neat little squares.

"Fine." It sounded easy enough, but I couldn't help the doubt that had crept into my stomach and voice. After all, I was being told this by two boys of whom I had known barely an hour.

"See you at ten." Axel said, sliding his chair aback as people in crisp uniforms started to come forward and gather certain charges. Luxord walked passed me, yanking on the collar of my shirt to summon me to follow him. He led my through the labyrinth of tables to the dreadful woman who shoved me down here earlier, still wearing her bright yellow dress that was two sizes too small. I couldn't help my nose from wrinkling in distaste at the sight of her.

"I'm already starting to dislike that woman." I muttered under my breath, more to myself than to the blonde next to me.

"I wish I could tell you that you get used to her, but you don't." Luxord answered me in his British accent as we got into a line by room numbers. Luxord was in room 361E so he was farther up than me in the line. Our land of yellow's room numbers were random from 340 to 399. Why I had no idea. It just added another thing to my list of weird and stupid things in my place of imprisonment.

Thankfully the two people either behind me or in front of me were relatively quiet, except for the woman in front of me kept muttering to her hand and the other behind me was not much older than me, growling at the middle aged man behind her.

Much to my enjoyment miss perky had her hands full with eleven other charges. I followed in our little line, staring absentmindedly off into space, wishing that Ienzo would return soon to save me from my lonely and confused mind.

* * *

As soon as I got to my room I flopped down on my bed, without bothering to flick the lights on, so the darkness would shroud the nauseas yellow. Even with the lights off the brightness of the yellow still shone a bit. Groaning I rolled over, smashing my face in the comforter, closing my eyes. I lay there long enough that the exhaustion of the day started to grab a hold of me. I was having trouble thinking, trains of thought dying out as quickly as they had come, my brain starting to close down. 

Soon I was drifting in somewhere I couldn't quite recognize. No, I did recognize it. It was my living room, but everything seemed to be covered in a clean sheet of white mist and also seemed untouchable. It was my living room, right down to the placing of photo frames. But the deeper into the room I waded the stranger and unrecognizable the room became. My elderly relatives looked younger and prettier in their pictures. The hot chocolate stain my cousin had created all those years ago that my mother had hid under furniture was missing. The usually small clutter of coffee mugs and magazine on the coffee table was gone. The carpet was brighter, the curtain much silkier and flowing than I remembered. I stood in the middle of the room, drinking in this room of utter perfection. Far off, someone called my name as the pretty room started to shift. Photo frames cracked and fell off the wall as the room seemingly tilted sharply. Ugly blotches appeared on the once spotless couch. Who was calling me? The shining white carpet started to grow a red stain the color of blood that quickly seeped across the carpet, making its way towards me. The coffee table broke in two as the curtains gained rips and tears. Someone called to me again, closer this time, but by then the stain had reached me and I was falling into dark abyss, large splinters of wood attacking me from all angles as the floor broke apart. I struggle to find something to grasp on to but still I was falling…falling…

"Zexion!" The nurse yelled a final time, giving my shoulders a shake. I jumped violently, shaking of the last vestiges of the dream. The nurse standing over me was a younger one with springy brown hair I was yet to me. Her small gold plaque on her dress read "Elaine"

"Are you going to go to the rest room or anything before you go to bed?" Her voice was timid sounding, but she didn't back off an inch from me. She was wearing the same yellow dress as the batty nurse, but hers fit her. I glanced around her to look at my clock. 9:45.

"Yea. Yea I want to brush my teeth" I muttered, pushing off the bed and moving around her to retrieve my toothbrush from where I had placed it on my desk. Elaine stared at me for a moment before walking out the door in front of me to lead me to the closest bathrooms. There was a long line of sinks alternating yellow and white to match the theme colors of the two halls that shared this bathroom. Elaine left me after I assured her I could find my way back on my own.

I ran the brush over my teeth, studying my disheveled figure in the mirror. My hair was going in several directions, and the pupils of my eyes were huge. My skin was paler than normal and dark circles were starting to form underneath my eyes. Hurriedly I spat the white foam out of my mouth, shoving the tooth brush into one of the soft sweatpants' deep pockets. I sprinted silently down the hallway towards a back staircase that Axel had told me the location of. His hall, Strawberry Fields was on the floor above mine, on floor D.

I slowed when I had almost reached his hall. The floor was set up exactly as mine below it, so I knew where his room must be. I repeated the room number silently in my head over and over again as I passed the Meadows of Green hallway. I could hear someone yelling in the nearest room. After listening a minute I realized that it was Saix, though I couldn't understand what he was saying. He paused once as if listening to someone before falling right back into his tirade.

I hurried off before a worker came down the hallway to find out what all the yelling was and discover me gawking in the hallway. The yelling muffled out completely as I rounded a corner and found myself surrounded by deep red. Three doors down I found it. 716D. I glanced around behind me nervously before knocking. My hand had barely made a sound before the door was flung open and strong hands yanked me in, the door shoved shut behind me.

"Didn't think you were going to show Zex." Axel was standing in front of me, observing me with a half smile on his face. The minute I started to take in my surrounding I felt a surge of jealousy. The red almost was the same as his hair, just like he said only one or two shades darker. The walls had wood on them on the bottom half just like mine, only his were made out of dark mahogany, matching all his furniture, again just like mine. Besides the color scheme everything I remembered to mine, the two shelves, bed in corner, desk, etc.

"What's so amazing?" He inquired as I took in all the clutter on his shelves. Books were stacked closely together and on top of one another. There was a cup filled with pencils resting on top of a small stack of notebooks. A wall clock was resting on the top shelf, ticking away cheerfully. His walls were covered in posters and various pictures, all stuck in place with tape.

Axel was still staring at my strangely so I said the first thing that came to mind. "Why don't' you hang your clock on the wall?" I asked, gesturing towards the clock on the shelf, noticing this time that it was in Japanese.

"Oh. We aren't allowed to have wall tacks or anything like that." He motioned to everything plastered down with tape to prove his point. "They are really tight asses about everything and what you can and can't have." I followed after him deeper into the room. Marluxia and Demyx were perched on his bed, Demyx looking out and something beyond the window.

"So how did you get all of this stuff?" I wandered over to his shelves, running my index finger over the spines of a few of the books.

"Mostly my family brings them to me when I ask them to or just randomly sometimes." Axel dismissed the question with a final wave of his hand. "They have to approve everything first. It's stupid. I mean, if my father brings me a poster or something I asked him to, the have to inspect it and make sure he's not smuggling me something. What would my own dad be smuggling me anyway? Meth? In a giant glossy piece of paper no less?" I stared at him in slight amazement as he continued to rant, his voice surprisingly clear and easily understandable and the speed his tirade was spewing forth out of his mouth. Marluxia was some how managing to take in Axel's rant while studying a lock of his rosy hair with a slight look of distaste on his face. My eyes swept over Demyx, lingering on the blonde. He was watching all of Axel's large hand gestures with surprising interest, nodding enthusiastically every now and then, beautiful aqua eyes filled with bright emotions.

What wait? Beautiful aqua eyes? Where did that come from? I had barely known the guy for three or four hours, and on top of that we were complete opposites, and I was almost positive that I was straight.

"I mean come on, Marluxia can't even get a pack of seeds without them going into lock down. Stupid bastards." Axel sighed loudly and flopped down on his back on the fluffy red comforter. "I miss the days of my freedom…and hot pockets." Axel's statement earned an adorable giggle from Demyx. Adorable? I shook my head, attempting to rid myself of the thought.

"Ooh me too! I love those chicken cheese tortilla ones." Demyx replied, idly swinging his legs back and forth. "I miss Reese's peanut butter cups too. Those things were the best." He turned to look at Marluxia sitting beside him. "What about you Marxie?"

Marluxia winced slightly at the butchering of his name, but let it go. He didn't reply right away as if he was thinking about it. "Klondike bars." He concluded, a shadow of a smiled ghosting across his face as if they were a long lost memory suddenly revived. Demyx and Axel nodded their agreement.

"What about you Zex?" Miss anything yet?" Demyx turned those eyes to me, smiling softly. Usually I would have replied to such a question with no hesitation, but I found myself unable to reply, eyes held steady by his pretty aqua ones. I cast my eyes downward, scrabbling to figure out the right thing to say. Freedom, a food, a person? I could feel the heat of all three of their gazes upon me. For some reason, I didn't want to sound stupid and wanted them to accept my opinion, which was a new feeling for me.

Marluxia thankfully saved me, as if he had sensed my predicament. "Don't worry, you will start to miss things in time." He said, breaking the heavy silence and lifting my burden. Demyx and Axel went on to start a new topic, but instead of trying to follow what they were saying I looked up at Marluxia instead. He gave me what I took as a half-smile. I moved to sit next to him on the last vacant spot on the bed.

Marluxia returned to studying his hair lock by lock, as we sat in an agreeable silence, listening to Axel and Demyx. I took the opportunity to study Marluxia at a closer up view, seeing this was the closest I had ever been to him. My eyes wandered up to the roots of his hair, trying to figure out he had for some reason dyed it that color. But there was no sign of a different shade of hair hiding underneath. He was thin and lanky, but not quite as lanky as Axel. The way he held himself gave off an air of complications and intelligence and a hint….ego? I couldn't quite place what it was.

"So has Saix made a definite move on you yet?" Axel's voice brought me back out of my own thoughts and into the present. At first I was certain he was talking to Demyx, that is, until Marluxia answered him.

"Oh wouldn't you like to know." Marluxia sounded slightly frigid, with a cool leer across his face.

"Why yes I would. Everyone knows that he's dying to get a piece of your ass." Demyx snorted as Axel's comeback.

"And just what makes you think I would actually let him hmm?" Marluxia arched an elegant eyebrow at his red head companion, as if daring him to challenge him again. Axel ran his tongue across his bottom lip hesitating for just a fraction of a second.

"So you admit it. He is all about getting in your pants." Demyx leaned back and eventually scooted out from between the two and crawled across the bed to sit next to me. I felt a slight shiver run up my spine at his sudden closeness.

The sides of Marluxia's mouth quirked up a fraction of an inch. "Have you always fallen to tales of gossip?" Demyx turned away and latched onto Axel's pillow, wrapping his arms around it and falling back onto the bed, cradling the pillow under his head and upper torso. Apparently by his reaction, this kind of exchange of words was a common occurrence between the two. They weren't really arguing, more of challenging each other until one of them ended up submitting.

"Do my own eyes have the ability to gossip to me now? I know how he looks at you all the time. Like a little puppy who has finally found his long lost bone, only to discover it's on the neighbor's side of the fence." Axel sat up a fraction of an inch taller, certain that his quick comeback had won him the battle this time.

Marluxia didn't miss a beat. "At least I could get some if I wanted to." Demyx snorted loudly, rolling over to stifle his laughs in the pillow. I felt a smile of my own creep across my lips.

"Fine, fine you win this time." Axel slouched down again, scowling softly to himself. Marluxia, now triumphant smiled almost in a sinister way. "Now, now Axel don't you worry. Someone will come alone just dying to get in your pants too." Demyx sat up from his spot on the bed, shaking some stray strands of hair back into place.

"Yea, yea some day my prince will come!" Axel burst into horribly off key song, waving his hands around in the air and then clamping them down over his heart, looking wistfully off into the distance. Suddenly it hit me. Were all three of them gay? I hadn't even thought about it until now. Axel had been accusing Marluxia of being sexually active with another man, Saix no less the slightly creepy blue hair. And Axel had just practically shouted to the world that he was gay. Demyx hadn't said anything yet, but I was fairly certain he might be gay too if the other two were. I had nothing against homosexuals, but yet the thought of it stimulated that crawly feeling in my stomach again when I had practically lost myself in Demyx's eyes.

"Hey I have an extra poster and maybe some other stuff in my room you can have if you want." Demyx said suddenly. I turned to look at him, mentally screaming at myself to keep my voice steady and normal.

"That's nice of you Demyx, I appreciate it." My voice was even, not a hint of stuttering anywhere. Demyx's eyes lit up as if I had just offered _him _something.

"Great! We can go get it now if you…" Axel cut Demyx off, glancing up at the clock on the shelf. "No time Dem, it's getting close to midnight."

"What's so important about midnight?" I furrowed my eyebrows, confused.

"Nothing really we just don't like push our limits." Axel shrugged, studying the frayed edge of the hem of his pants.

"Oh come on Axel it will be ok just this once!" Demyx bounced off the bed, taking my hand. I felt myself freeze slightly at the contact.

"I have a ton of books in my room that I've already read a dozen times that you can have some of." Marluxia added, standing to his feet as well.

'Well don't think you three are just going to up and abandon me! I'm coming too." He beat us all to the door, wrenching it open and tiptoeing into the hallway once he was sure no one was in it.

"Come on." He led the way to the back staircase I had used earlier, mounting the stairs to the next floor up, floor B. Once again it was set up just like the other two floors, only the two hallways of our ward sporting different colors. Demyx passed the Orange Blossoms hallway without a second glance and head for the dark blue hallway. It had a slight grey tint to it, almost just like the ocean. He headed all the way to the last door in the hall, opening it with an almost grand flourish in his movements. The dark blue of the room mixed with the darkness of night outside made the room almost a little bit gloomier than it should have been. The pile of things on his shelves was almost similar to Axel's, pencils, books stacked in various styles, little odds and ends. But Demyx had something on his shelves that Axel had not. Music books. Upon closer inspection I realized they were almost all for playing the guitar, acoustic and electric. One or two of them were on drums.

"I don't know how well you like them or not, but it can at least get rid of some of the yellow." Demyx was shuffling around his desk, before producing a glossy poster, held in a cylinder by a rubber band. I slid the rubber band off and opened it. The Rasmus. Not bad. I rolled it back up and replaced the rubber band.

"Thank you Demyx." Demyx smiled proudly. "You're welcome Zexion." His room was more of a mess than Axel's had been. The bed was unmade and various shirts and other items of clothing were strewn around the room. One of the music books was open on the middle of the floor.

"Ok let's go." Axel latched onto my arm and practically dragged me out of the room.

"What's your sudden hurry?" Demyx complained trudging out of his room behind us.

Axel didn't bother to answer him.

We mounted the stairs to the top floor, A. The top floor seemed smaller than the others for an unknown reason. It also seemed quieter and a little more peaceful.

The indigo of Marluxia's hallway didn't do my eyes any justice, but it was better than the dreaded yellow I was going to have to face again soon. Every door was silent, unlike the other halls were you could occasionally hear someone muttering or yelling. Marluxia's door was right in the middle of the hallway, right next to the shiny little plaque that read Indigo Waves.

But what was even more surprising than the unusual silence of the floor was what covered Marluxia's room.

Plants and flowers of all shapes and sizes covered almost every available space from the window sill to the ends of the shelves to even just sitting on the floor. Vines crawled out of their pots to hang down over the sides of the shelves. Several Venus fly traps were perched on a corner of the desk. A basket of daffodils was on the night stand. A plant that looked unpleasantly like poison oak was on top of the dresser. But the most eye catching however was the array of roses on the windowsill. Red, pink, yellow, white and even blue roses mingled among each other, making the arrangement look scattered but pretty. Axel nudged me in the side, making me reluctantly look away from the roses.

"You can have anything you want on the bottom shelf." Marluxia said. Most of the top shelf held things other than books anyway. Marluxia's shelves were much more organized than the other two's, the books stacked neatly in a horizontal row and in neat little stacks on top when he had ran out of room. My eyes scanned over the titles before I gingerly pulled one called "Running with Scissors" off of the shelf. The book was one of the more worn out ones, which is why it had caught my eye. Often books with more wear and tear meant they were more enjoyable and were well used. I looked at Marluxia gratefully for it, hugging the fragile book to my chest.

"Alright let's go." Axel announced for the second time in the passed ten minutes, ushering us all out the door, save for Marluxia who stayed in his room, studying one of the vines that had almost wound its from the top shelf all the way down to the floor.

We left Demyx at his room on the next floor down, and I left Axel at his on floor C. "Don't be late to breakfast in the morning. They are real tight asses about that too." He told me, leaning against his door frame. "It's at eight thirty."

"Eight thirty. Right." He smirked at me once more before backing up and disappearing into his room. I continued the trek to the floor below now on my own, going over the event of the last couple of hours in my head. My stomach hardened unpleasantly at the remembrance of my thoughts of Demyx, the first words that came to mind when I thought about him. _Free spirited, adorable...loveable. _I swallowed hard as I reached my door, pushing it open and stepping inside without bothering to turn on the light, for fear it would make the yellow even more unbearable. I didn't even want to think about how it would be in the morning.

Groping my way through the blessed darkness, I placed the book down on the shelf next to the four my mother had brought me, and set the poster in the corner next to the desk. My hand slid across the desk, picking up the digital clock and pushing the button to illuminate the time. 12:04. Quickly I set a wake up alarm on it to wake me up in eight hours. I crashed down onto the bed, not even bothering to change since what I was wearing was practically sleeping attire anyway. I laid awake for awhile longer, willing Ienzo in my head to appear in the darkness of the room. He hadn't specified exactly when he would be back, and it was slightly aggravating.

The first vestiges of sleep however soon grabbed a hold of me, pulling me into a deep sleep. Thankfully this time, I didn't dream.

* * *

"Good morning sunshine!" Xigbar chirped at Xaldin, mostly for the sport of just being an ass. Xaldin grumbled something incoherent, more to himself than anyone else as he sank down into his usual place. 

"Something wrong?" Xemnas inquired, gazing over at his companion with mild interest.

"Not really. Dilan kept me awake all night, rambling on and on about who knows what." He flicked a dreadlock away from his face. "Lousy son of a bitch."

I had been at the psycho home for exactly three days, and I already had learned a lot about my new companions. Marluxia, given his exterior, was not anything like he seemed. He wasn't quiet like you would expect him to be, and managed to keep himself properly clean and tidy without being too feminine about it. He could also fix you with a glare so cold that he could shut any one up within seconds. Xigbar often was an ass just for the sake of being an ass. Vexen usually was at the end of his rope, his voice getting shriller the more being annoyed him. Saix truly wasn't as creepy as he seemed, but at times for unknown reasons it seemed like he could beat you to a pulp and not even give it a second thought. I also noticed what Axel and declared, of his little glances and Marluxia. They happened a dozen or so times a meal, making it obvious to more than just me and Axel. Lexaeus was often quiet and seemed to be brooding, but when he started talking a lot you better listen, because usually it was something crucial.

No one in our little group was stupid though. They were all on the intelligent side, even Demyx who always seemed to be bubbly and happy about everything. I was yet to see him in a foul mood. Most breakfasts went the same, often with one or two incidents of petty fighting breaking out, just because none of us were morning people. This morning, however, was different.

"We are not yet a full, complete group yet." Xemnas spoke up, his voice loud enough to reach the end of the table. "However we are close to becoming a true…_organization _so to speak. I already know what your numbers and rankings are to be, however I assure you just because you are a lower number it doesn't mean you are a lower member. I have my own specific reason for giving you that number. I also have almost completed making all of your titles." No one questioned him. As I had learned, Xemnas talked a lot about the "organization" we were coming to become, and how it was very soon.

"So what makes us a complete organization then?" Luxord spoke up, his British accent floating across the table.

Xemnas held up two fingers. "Two more members, then we will be complete. However, I feel we should be given our proper titles and rankings now. It will be more fitting to begin today as 'Organization Eleven.'"

"Wait I thought you just said we needed two more members, and there is already eleven of us now." Axel quirked an eyebrow, chewing noisily on a bite of cereal.

"I did. We are destined to be Organization Thirteen, but we can not properly call ourselves that right now." Xemnas' eyes glinted with something unrecognizable for a brief second before he continued by telling us our position and title. He made his way around the table, starting with Xigbar and going down the line. Thus I became Number Six, The Cloaked Schemer. Xemnas explained that the title simply meant that I was highly intelligent, and could manipulate people and events to my liking if I wanted to. Marluxia was none to happy about being placed at number eleven in a group of eleven, which resulted in Xemnas spending most of breakfast explaining to him that he had his reasons for the position and that it did not mean he was lowlier that everyone else. His title, however, did him justice. The Graceful Assassin. The slightly sinister trademark smile of his graced his lips at the announcement of his title.

I gazed down at my foam cereal bowl, contemplating what Xemnas had said. He had not ordered us as I had expected, by the time of our arrivals. If he had done that I would have been number eleven, and Saix would have been number two and so on. But the idea that we had an official title now was…intriguing. It almost gave us a sense of purpose, whatever that was going to end up being. I repeated my new title and ranking over and over again in my head.

Zexion, Number Six, the Cloaked Schemer.

* * *

**So...yay? Nay? My heart was literally pounding so hard from excitement and nervousness of finally putting this up for the world to see. I wish for your feedback!! It makes my heart glow :-)**


	2. Iris

**I never suspected it would take me this long to post this chapter up. School and real life have attacked me lately. Ah I want it to be Christmas vacation already!**

**I didn't expect for this chapter to turn into a major load of fluff, but somehow it did. But have no fear I have much drama planned for them! Much...much drama evil laugher**

**I felt the strong need to post this chapter today no matter what because 1)Today is 4/11 day and even though I haven't written any of that yet I love that pairing and 2) I finished my gigantic math assignment today. happy dance Unfortuantly this has set me back a little, seeing as I'm about a third of the way done with Chapter 3...it might take a little while before I can get the next chapter up but until then enjoy the fluffiness of chapter 2!**

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**Chapter 2**

_Iris_

_(Saix)_

* * *

_And I don't want the world to see me, because I don't think that they'd understand. When everything is meant to be broken, I just want you to know who I am –The Goo Goo Dolls_

* * *

"No." Marluxia's voice was sharp, his eyes filled with a look of betrayal. I sighed, rubbing my hand over my eyes. So close. I had been so close this time. I had started out the way I usually did, brushing of arms, finding excuses to touch his hair or any other part of him, which always led to kissing. But tonight I had really thought would have been the time. I didn't push my limit, sticking to just kisses for what felt like eternity until I slowly lowered him down onto his back on the grass covered comforter. I waited a while longer before moving my hands to his waistband, my heart quickening. _Is he finally going to let me? _And then just like that he was gone, breaking our eager kiss and somehow sliding out from beneath me in a matter of seconds.

Now he was standing near the desk, arms crossed over his chest, his eyes filled with hurt.

"Marluxia please…" I didn't know what to say to the boy. I probably wouldn't get another chance anytime soon, considering he would probably keep his distance from me now. My heart started to pound harder, this time more out of anger. I fixed my eyes on the boy across the room. The silent tension between our looks spoke volumes. I watched the gaze in Marluxia's eyes start to shift from hurt and offended to confused and wary.

_You're going to end up killing someone someday with that temper of yours. Do you really want it to end up being him? _Isa's voice floated into my mind out of nowhere, forcing me to halt as I started to get off the bed, hell bent on pushing Marluxia up against the wall and taking advantage of him. Every time after Marluxia denied me intimacy Isa would usually appear, forcing me to breathe and remind me of how dangerous my anger was. It was amazing he hadn't appeared yet to stop me. I was on my own this time. Slowly I sank back down onto the bed, taking a deep breath and closing my eyes, counting slowly until my heartbeat slowed. When I finally opened them again Marluxia had moved farther away from me into the corner, the expression in his eyes unreadable.

"Marluxia I'm sorry. But I can't help it, you're just so…" I trailed off, attempting to find the right phase.

"I don't want to." Marluxia's voice wasn't as sharp as before, but it was a bed of feathers either.

"Ok. I understand that." _But why? _I thought silently to myself. _Why don't you want to yet?_

"Then why do you try again and again?" He stepped out of the shadowy corner, letting his arms drop.

"Because my mind and body feel the opposite of what yours does." My mouth blurted out the answer before I could stop it. Marluxia tilted his head slightly to one side, as he usually did when someone had said something either confusing or stupid.

"And so you can't wait?" He took another couple of cautious steps toward me.

"How long do you want me to wait Marluxia?" The fire that had shot up in my belly shot out my mouth at him, my features contorting in aggravation. Marluxia's shoulders stiffened, but he didn't back away.

"It's not that easy Saix, it's just not that easy!" His voice level rose to meet mine.

"What's so hard about it?!" I rose to my feet, eyes narrowing.

"Everything! Why don't you understand that?!" Marluxia clenched his hands into fists, shooting me the same betrayed look as before. Before I had a chance to snap back an answer he was gone, shooting swift fully into the hallway, slamming my door shut after him. The resounding silence after his departure seemed to echo over and over again his last words and the slam of the door.

"That went smoothly. Glad I could show up for it." Isa's cool voice drifted out from behind me. I whirled around to discover him perched calmly on the edge of the bed, running his hands over my pillow which was sitting in his lap.

"Oh leave me alone!" I sat down in the desk chair, looking up at the ceiling to avoid looking at him.

"What good do you think pushing the boy is going to do? Instead of shoving him into the bed sheets you're shoving him farther and farther away from you." He ran a finger over his shoulder length hair, reminding me of how Marluxia often played with his hair. I looked away again, breathing deep to catch the last wisps of the flowery scent Marluxia often left behind him wherever he went.

When Isa had realized I had opted not to answer him, he continued. "Give him some space. He will be ready on his own time." I turned my eyes reluctantly to him, knowing his words rang true.

_It's not that easy Saix, it's just not that easy! _A queasy feeling of regret started to fill my stomach like acid. Why did I push him so much? Intimate fires in the pit of my stomach always got the best of me when he was around.

"Understand his feelings. Then maybe he will let you fuck him." I glared at Isa for his choice of words.

"Ok Dr. Love I get it." I mumbled, opting to stand and cross the room to collapse on the bed, feeling the quickly fading body heat the comforter had trapped underneath our bodies earlier. Isa snorted at me, brushing a piece of his bangs across his forehead.

"How long do you think it will be before he comes around and talks to me again?" I sat up long enough to snatch my pillow from him before lying back down on the bed with it.

"Oh I don't know this time. You really upset him." He tossed his hair over his shoulder before standing up abruptly.

"And where are you going now?" Isa was hardly ever here anymore, which was annoying.

"I was supposed to meet Dilan and Dulor twenty minutes ago, but because of you I'm late." Isa's voice was always steady and calm no matter what, as if it was immune to leaking out any form of emotion.

"Don't blame everything on me." I paused, sitting up on the bed. "Again."

"Well I was afraid if I didn't show up you would have seriously injured Mr. Flower Petals this time." He scoffed. I stayed silent.

"I'll be back eventually Saix. Till then, keep your temper down and take your medicine. You don't know what might snap if you don't." With that he was gone almost instantly, leaving me to sit alone and contemplate things.

_Why don't you understand that?!_

He frustrated me almost on a daily basis lately now because of his constant hidden fear of intimacy. He used to hardly talk to me when he first came here, coming to my room once or maybe twice a week if I was lucky. But slowly overtime he started coming more and more, and I started coming to his room occasionally as well. But now that was probably all back to square one. I hate square one.

_I don't want to!_

How long could I wait for him to come around and let me bed him? It's not like all I cared about him for was getting laid. Immediate attraction was to his looks and features, but over time I had gotten to know him better as I person, and I started to fall in love with his personality and internal factors as well. More than once I had gotten him to open up to me in a way I didn't think was possible for Marluxia, getting him to talk about his past to me.

_It's just not that easy!_

Maybe it was easy to me, but apparently it was nowhere easy for him. But in a way he had also implied hope for the future.

_And so you can't wait?_

I could wait, for a little while more at least. When he knew he was ready, I would.

* * *

Marluxia never showed up for breakfast the next morning. Axel made snide sex implications about it, which were easily silenced by one of my hardest looks. He probably didn't feel well, one of the very few explanations why someone would not be forced down here. No other excuse would stop the nurses from hauling your ass to the dining hall. I tried not to dwell on it, but something told me that it was because of last night he wasn't here. He could have easily misguided the nurse that came get him this morning.

"Does anyone have any idea why Marluxia hasn't joined us this morning?" Xemnas implied to the table, eyes shifting from one member to the next, finally settling on me for a fraction of a second longer than on the other. He knew. Xemnas always knew. Everyone murmured their replies of "Nope" and "Haven't seen him since dinner yesterday." When everyone was distracted again Xemnas shot me a look that clearly said, "Come talk to me after breakfast." I gave him a nod in reply, sighing under my breath. Zexion, the newest to our band of freaks gave me a sidelong glance, but eventually looked down at his plate again.

Not more than two minutes later I noticed his eyes shoot up to settle on Demyx. Demyx, oblivious to Zexion's gaze was talking excitably about something to Luxord. I recognized the look in his eyes. One of confusion of one's own feelings, and trying to figure out what was causing them. I knew that look and feeling well.

I couldn't help but look up at Marluxia's empty seat more than once, as if staring at it would decipher the meaning of his non appearance.

* * *

"I know you must have some inkling of what is wrong with our Graceful Assassin hmm?" Xemnas joined his hands together underneath his chin, raising a single, slender eyebrow at me.

"We got in a fight last night." I returned his cool gaze as only I could. Most of the other members could stare him right back in the eye for longer than a second or two. I did not possess this disability.

"You've gotten into plenty of fights. Why is this one any different?" His eyes didn't falter for even a fraction of a second. I held my frozen immobile.

"I don't know. Why don't you ask him?" Xemnas arched an eyebrow at my retort.

"I have more pressing matters to attend you and I would appreciate it if you could handle the situation yourselves and go to him."

"Must I?" Xemnas tilted his head at me, reminding me of Marluxia's habit of that.

"Saix, I wish you would both stop acting like you are in high school." He sighed, moving a hand through his hair.

"Marluxia has not even been out of highschool for a year." I reminded him, though I had no idea why I felt the need to.

"Yes but he is nineteen and smart and mature than most his age. Axel is the same age as him. Compare their maturity." I paused to think about it before replying. Marluxia seemed to be able to see the logic in things and could piece situations and plans together in a matter of minutes. Axel however…well he would rather chase after other boys and put everything off till tomorrow.

"You have a point. But you also know that Marluxia is not the easiest to coax into conversation when he's fallen into a sour mood."

"Mm. True. But I believe it won't be as hard for you as it is for the rest of us. You two are in fact…..intimately connected." Xemnas hummed, glancing up to rest his eyes on the digital clock on his bedside table. "I'd appreciate it if you would go speak with him before lunch. Do you have any therapy or counseling sessions this morning?" For once in my life at Ballatine I actually wished for a therapy session. Regretfully I shook my head.

"Good. I trust you will see to it then." Xemnas nodded his head slightly at me, indicating that I should leave. I turned my back and vanished promptly out the door, turning to go up the back staircase to the very top floor, fighting the urge to stop at floor C and go to my own room to see if Isa would show up eventually.

Just my luck I passed Xigbar in the hallway, on his way to only hell knows where. "Hey Saix. Where ya headed?" He asked, cracking a bright, annoying smile.

_Here we go again. _I sighed mentally but kept my external void of the exasperation. "What does it matter to you Number Two?" I opted to call him by his number instead of his name, mainly because it annoyed him that he had a higher placement than me, but I held more power than him. I still needed to confront Xemnas about why that is.

"Just curious. Going to see your lover boy eh?" He raised an eyebrow, his one visible eye filled with malicious glee. I hated him sometimes.

"I'm going to go find out why Marlu…Number Eleven did not join us this morning." The stutter had lasted a fraction of second, but Xigbar caught it anyway, the impossibly big smile plastered on his face growing even larger in size. I growled and pushed passed him.

"Suuurre whatever you say Commodore." He called after my retreating back. I paused and spun around to face him. "Commodore?" It was my turn to raise an eyebrow.

"Yea, Commodore. You know like in Navies Commodore is second in command right after the Admiral. And since you are Xemnas' favorite and he gives you the most power besides him that would make you the Commodore." He looked down right pleased with his Navy intelligence.

"So what does that make you?" I inquired, curious if he would rank himself just below me in position simply because he was Number Two of our Organization.

"Captain of course." He straightened up a little in stance.

"Well 'Captain' I suggest you keep your nose shoved in your own damn business." I whirled away again, not looking back at him again. He kept quiet this time, but I could still sense his eyes and smirk on the back of my head until I turned the corner in the Indigo Waves hallway. I paused in front of Marluxia's door, forcing myself to calm down from my run in with Xigbar.

_You're going to end up killing someone someday with that temper of yours. _I pushed Isa's voice out of my head and knocked on the door. Silence. I knocked again, longer and louder again this time, leaning closer to the door to see if I could hear him moving about inside. Nothing. Not knowing what else to do I latched onto the doorknob, surprised that it was unlocked. I pushed the door open halfway, discovering that Marluxia was indeed present in his room. He was sitting calmly on the floor next to the foot of his bed, studying a pot full of tiger lilies. Silently I entered the room, pushing the door closed behind me. Either Marluxia didn't notice me enter or he chose to ignore it. I stood in the middle of the room watching him as he studied the flowers, one by one, looking for any defect in them. I knew there probably wasn't. Marluxia hardly grew anything that wasn't perfect.

"What is it Saix?" Marluxia said suddenly, his voice soft and low. Ah so he had noticed my entrance. He didn't look up from the flowers, continuing his investigation of each flower one by one, petal by petal.

"To see what's wrong with you." I moved to sit on the edge of his bed at the end, so we were relatively close to each other. He didn't flinch away from me. When he didn't answer me I spoke again. "I have a feeling it has to do with last night." Surprisingly there was no trace of tension between us at the moment.

"It does. You move too fast." Marluxia picked a petal off of one of the tiger lilies, looking at it with slight distaste, even though I couldn't see why. The petal looked healthy and perfect.

"What's wrong with it?" I leaned forward on the bed so I could see the petal better over his shoulder. He looked up at me and then back down at the petal.

"It's dying, even though the flower just fully bloomed two days ago." He gently stroked the petal in his hand, as if it was dying sparrow. I still couldn't see any sign of aging on the petal.

"I don't see anything indicating death." I inched even closer, seeing how close he would let me get to him.

"It's not immediate physical changes. It's more of an internal thing." Marluxia half-smiled at my ignorance of plant death.

"So if it's not fully on the brink of full death yet, why did you take it off?" I moved from the bed to the floor next to him.

"Because if I didn't it would have taken the rest of the flower down with it in a matter of days." He continued stroking it softly in his hand. His hair was hiding most of his face as he bowed his head even more to continue studying the flowers, gently setting the petal down on the floor. "A flower is like a system or scenario if one petal or leaf starts to falter and give away, eventually the entire flower will wither and die. Just like an…" Marluxia let his voice fade, but I already knew what he was going to say.

"Like an organization." I finished. Marluxia nodded, finishing his inspection of the tiger lilies. He hadn't picked any other petals off.

"Everything has to cooperate together or it won't survive." Marluxia finally turned to look at me. On impulse my hand moved to brush a couple of stray strands of hair away from his face.

"You move too fast for me." Marluxia muttered again, closing his eyes. I thought back to the previous night, but it felt like it had happened ages ago. I couldn't even remember what those angry, almost demonic feelings towards him when he had denied me felt like right now with him sitting in front of me, quiet and almost vulnerable.

"I'm sorry." I whispered, gently tracing his jaw line with my index finger. His eyes opened again and he raised his head to look me in the eyes. The look in his eyes spoke for him. He forgave me, to a certain point. It was clear I probably wouldn't get another chance in a long time. I held his gaze back, watching his blue eyes as he tilted his head slightly to the side.

I don't know how long we had stayed like that, looking steadily into each other's eyes trying to decipher what the other was thinking, but suddenly we were kissing, both of us leaning forward and meeting each other halfway. I breathed deeply and evenly, keeping my eyes closed and listening to him breathe. We were inching closer to each other, close enough I could almost hear his heartbeat in the silent room.

Our knees were almost touching when we broke apart. Marluxia smiled lightly at me before reaching down behind him and retrieving the once discarded petal. He lifted my hand, palm up, and placed the petal inside of it before closing my fingers carefully around it.

* * *

"Why do I even bother playing Black Jack with you Luxord?" Xaldin sighed, flipping his cards over to reveal an ace and an eight, while Luxord turned over a queen and a nine. I flipped my cards to the middle.

"Are you sure you are not cheating?" Lexaeus raised a suspicious eyebrow across the table at him.

"Oh is that it yea? Well someone else deal this one." He shuffled the cards once before sliding them over to Xaldin, who gladly took the deck and started shuffling it.

"Have you ever lost a game of black jack in your life? Ever? Just tell me that much." Lexaeus continued, watching Luxord carefully, who in turn had his hands folded together calmly on top of the table.

"When I was about six I lost to my grandfather. More or less than six or seven times." He smiled. "We can play another game if you want. Five-card perhaps?"

"I'm up for it. I'm tired of black jack anyway." Xaldin growled.

"No. No way. I'm going to beat you at Jack Black at least once." Lexaeus said. All three pairs of eyes turned to me.

"Wha' ya say Saix? Black Jack or five card?" Luxord asked. In truth I hadn't been paying much attention to them or the cards on the table in front of me. Marluxia had appeared at lunch time, though we hadn't spoken much at all. And now at three in the afternoon Marluxia was the only thing my mind was on. Fighting the constant urge to go up to his room again, I had sat down to cards with the other three, hoping to get my mind off of him for awhile. I knew he wanted to be alone right now, but it was hard to leave him be. The card games were turning into a fruitless effort, especially since Luxord could win almost any time of card game thrown at him.

"What? Oh, five-card is fine." I mumbled. Xaldin looked pleased.

"Finally. I could use a change of pace." Luxord said as Xaldin passed him his cards. "Five-card poker is a little more of a challenge." Five cards were shoved at me. Absently mindedly I picked them up and gazed at them.

"I fold." I placed the cards back down, turning to look to the door of the lounge again. No one new appeared. The only other people in the room were a couple of the usual monitors and a few people watching television with Elaine the nurse.

"Damn it." Xaldin cursed, setting his cards down on the table. "I fold too." I thought back to the petal Marluxia had given me that I had placed on my bedside table in my room. I was still trying to figure out what meaning he had meant by giving it to me. Just before giving it to me he had explained how it was dying independently from the rest of its fellow petals. But yet in the manner in which he had given it to me didn't symbol anything close to that. It was more of a symbol of caring, companionship…and love.

"You just have to know all the tricks." Luxord was saying, laying down yet another winning hand. Lexaeus sighed. I'm about done playing cards with you." He laid his hand down too.

"Let's play something simple like Go Fish." Luxord smirked, gathering the cards into a neat pile.

"Go Fish? Seriously? I asked him, my attention momentarily averted from Marluxia and his flower petal.

"Yea why not? We've played just about everything else." Luxord shrugged, sliding the deck of cards over to me. "You deal, or everyone will think I'm cheating at the simple game of Go Fish as well." I shuffled the cards, glancing back at the door once in between shuffles.

"I don't think I've played Go Fish since I was in elementary school." Xaldin mumbled. "That was a long time ago." Never the less we all remembered how to play it, digging the instructions of game play out of the deepest part of our memories.

Ten minutes later, Luxord had one, making two more pairs than Lexaeus had. Lexaeus opened his mouth to protest, but Axel took that moment to come running through the lounge door, pouncing on the empty chair at the round, small table.

"We are now Organization Twelve!!" He whispered loudly, so the nearby monitors could not hear him.

"Twelve? Who now?" Lexaeus' low voice replied, his focus gone from accusations of cheating.

"I'm not exactly sure what her name is. It starts with an L or F or B or something. But it's a _girl._" He emphasized the last word, waiting for the shock of it to spread across the table. It didn't.

"Ooh a girl! How scary!" Luxord threw his hands up to his face, feigning terror. The rest of us burst into laughter while Axel sighed in annoyance as if he was dealing with five year olds.

"No not like that! I mean haven't you noticed that everyone else in our Organization is a boy? Does any one else besides me find this notion strange?" Axel protested against our laughter. Eventually we all stopped laughing, but amused grins still lasted.

"Yes in fact I've noticed that. But it was bound to happen anyway. If we were 'destined' to have thirteen members, at least one had to end up being a girl." Luxord continued, shuffling the cards into a neat deck.

"I'm out of here. Dinner is soon and I'd rather not spend all my time in this room." Lexaeus stood from the table, his less than lank frame more graceful than one would think. Graceful. Graceful Assassin. Marluxia. I sighed, rubbing my hand over my eyes. Why did everything always come back to him? Lexaeus' leave triggered the motion of everyone else to leave to, Axel trailing behind us, still whining about the new girl.

"Trust me! She's _nothing _like you think she will be! She's not even that girlish!" I opted to take the elevator back to our floor, knowing Axel wouldn't follow me into it. He wasn't a fan of elevators.

* * *

I sat in the ever growing dark of my room, gently stroking the tiger lily petal much like Marluxia had done this morning, still quite unsure of its meaning. I glanced at the clock; there was still a half hour before dinner started. I gazed back down at the petal in my hand, hoping it would explain itself.

The overhead light suddenly clicked on. I glanced over to discover Isa, long hair pulled back in a ponytail. He crossed the room and sat down next to me.

"A petal eh?" He looked down suspiciously at the piece of the flower in my hand, but didn't try to take it from me.

"Yes. Marluxia gave it to me this morning." There was no point in lying to him where I had gotten it from.

"Ah so you and your love toy are on speaking terms again. Why did he give you a petal and not a full flower?" Leave it to Isa to always want more than what was given.

"Because he took the petal off, saying it was dying while the rest of the flower wasn't. And then we talked about it for awhile and then he gave it to me." A smile spread lightly across Isa's lips.

"Is it symbolic, or did he just give it to you in the heat of the moment?" Good question. I yearned to be able to give him a straight forward answer, but I couldn't.

"I'm not sure yet." I set the petal down carefully back on the bedside table and changed the topic. "What about you? What did you do all day?"

Isa flopped back down on the bed. "Oh the usual. Meetings, paper work, trying to explain hypotheses, blah blah blah. I've heard you have gained another in your little 'Organization'?" I narrowed my eyes at him.

"If you've been gone this whole day, how would you know that?" Isa shrugged in disinterest. "Oh I knew it was coming for awhile. Know this girl named Ralene. A bit strange I must say. Almost a complete opposite of her counter part."

"You've never mentioned her before." I commented, glancing at my clock again.

"I know. I know a lot of fellow 'alter egos' as you people call us. I know a lot of people that you've never even heard of. I also know Marluxia's other." My attention was immediately directed back to him.

"You do, since when?" I demanded, not bother to hide the extreme curiosity in my voice.

"I've known him for awhile. His name's Lumaria. A little on the strange side if you ask me." Isa picked at the end of a lock of hair.

"What do you mean by 'a little strange'?" His calm exterior and refusal to show anything but disinterest and boredom towards anything was slightly infuriating.

"I don't know how to explain it. You would have to know the kid for yourself. Whenever he talks about Marluxia he always calls him 'honey' or 'sweetheart.' You worry him." He pulled an empty Tic-Tac box out of his jacket pocket and started playing with it, clicking it open and closed.

"Why would I worry him?" I resisted the urge to snatch the annoying little clicker maker out of his hands.

"Because anything that's not a happy, positive influence on Marluxia worries him. But don't worry. I'm sure your lover will explain everything to him. Sounds like he is reassuring his parents or something don't it?" He paused for a brief moment before changing the course of the subject again. "Why do you chase after this _boy _so much? I put emphasis on boy because he is nearly eleven years younger than you." The smile on Isa's face had faded.

"So? What does age have to matter? And it's not like he is a minor." My face flared up slightly.

"Even so, eleven years is a big age gap to hurdle over. Can you both handle it?" My rising anger faded into confusion.

"What do you mean?" Isa stared straight up at me, reminding of the same way Marluxia had earlier. Damn, everything reminded me of him.

"You've gone through a lot of life experiences he is yet to come across. And your age difference is another reason he is not readily up to losing his virginity to you. It's new for him." As much as I wanted to deny it, it was the truth.

"Well I'm not pushing him anymore. I will go at his pace." I declared. Isa raised an eyebrow in doubt.

"And you are fine with that? You can handle going at his unsure pace of love?" I knew Isa expected me to hesitate. But I won't, I didn't.

"Yes. Love is sacrifice isn't it?" Isa moaned at my choice of words.

"Yes I suppose so." He rolled his eyes and smiled at me. "Whatever makes you happy."

* * *

Right after Isa left I had rummaged through a small box of Dove chocolate my sister had brought me earlier that week, looking for the one with the perfect saying on the wrapper. When I had finally located one I ventured up to the top floor, and to Marluxia's room.

I knocked softly before opening the door and letting myself in. Marluxia was propped up on his knees by his window sill, watering his roses. The quickly setting sun outside played pretty light across his figure, lingering mainly on his hair. The image was captivating. I lingered, frozen in place for a moment, taking pictures of the image in my mind. I didn't want to forget it.

"Marluxia…" I finally said, my voice sounding loud and intruding on the peaceful silence surrounding him. He turned his hear to look at me. A small smile spread across his lips.

"Hello Saix. I was just thinking about you." He turned away from the window sill as I crossed the room and sat down next to him on his bed.

"I brought you something." I offered the small square of chocolate to him. He looked at it and then to me, puzzled.

"Chocolate?" He tilted his head at me, his trademark move of confusion.

"Just open it and read what the wrapper says." I insisted, placing the chocolate in his hand. He opened it slowly, careful not to rip the wrapper. He opened it and took the chocolate out, gazing down at the little message for a long time before looking up at me and repeating what it said.

"Age is nothing but a number."

* * *

Larxene was defiantly something different, and not very girlish just like Axel had warned. Her hair was short except for two long pieces that grew near her hairline and protruded sharply up and back, reminding me of a bug. It didn't help that she had large, almost doe-like eyes. She wasn't ugly, but she was defiantly strange looking.

Unlike our once newest comer Zexion, she wasn't at all shy. She was outspoken and said what she felt, no matter what it was. She wasn't afraid to voice her opinions about everything from the food to the monitors, and she always didn't loudly.

"I mean how can you _stand _that woman? She is utterly _repulsive_!" Larxene practically shrieked, studying a nurse across the room. "She showed me where my room is earlier today, and I swear I've _never _heard someone blab that much about themselves in such a small amount of time!" Larxene was more than a complainer. She had a malicious and sly nature, but occasionally the most random thing would come out of her mouth, about how adorable kittens were or something along the same lines.

"That's a very peculiar hair color. Is it dyed that way?" Larxene turned her attention fully to Marluxia sitting next to her.

"It's naturally that way." He answered, his eyebrows furrowed.

"Oh. Well I like it. I wish my hair was that color instead of boring blonde. I mean look at this table? Majority of us around here are blonde!" She ran a hand through her short shock of hair.

"And just how did you end up with antennae?" Marluxia countered her attack on his hair with one of his own.

"Eh, part rebellion, part wanting to have something totally random and different. I feel it suits me." She smiled more to herself than Marluxia.

"Indeed. It does fit her." Zexion muttered next to me. "Completely 'alien'". I smiled down at my plate.

"So…how did you end up here?" Axel piped in, twirling spaghetti around on his fork.

"Nobody really believed Ralene exists. So here I am. Oh and my dad thought I was becoming demonic." She broke her flimsy piece of garlic bread in half, tearing the crust off and crunching on it. Vexen raised his eyebrows but didn't say anything. Axel snorted into his napkin. Xaldin coughed.

"So what do you guys do anyway? Study witchcraft?" She swallowed hard over the bread, her eyes flicking over the rest of the table.

"Why would we study witchcraft?" Demyx looked confused.

"I don't know. You just look like you guys would do something totally off the wall like that. I mean you're not a very normal looking bunch." She shrugged, starting to eat the soft center part of the garlic bread.

"You're not so normal looking yourself." I smirked at Marluxia's answer. He was never afraid to speak the truth to someone like that.

"I know. That's why I fit right isn't it!" She giggled, sounding almost demonic. No wonder her father and suspected her of demonic doings.

Not much else was spoken to her.

* * *

I rolled over and looked at the clock again for the fifth time in the past hour. Barely after midnight. If Marluxia had been with the other younger members tonight, which I doubted he had, he would have been back to his room by now.

But I should leave him alone. Let him have some privacy. I turned the clock around to face the other direction and rolled over, staring at the patch of moonlight filtering through my window onto the bedspread. I never could see why people were afraid of the dark. Moonlight was always comforting, and darkness in itself wasn't that bad. Every time you closed your eyes you were shrouded in darkness, so how could you be afraid of something you see every couple of seconds?

Darkness made me think of the opposite of it, light, which lead to sunrises and sunsets, which led to Marluxia. I conjured the image of the fading light of the sunset washing over him as he tended lovingly to his prized roses.

I sighed and rolled over again, faced with the backside of my digital clock. Sitting next to it was the little box of Dove chocolate squares.

_Age is nothing but a number_

It's true; to me age was nothing but a number when it came to Marluxia. But he might not feel the same. He might just be tugging me along on an imaginary string, seeing how far he could manipulate me into becoming his little puppet. Well it couldn't happen. I wouldn't let it.

But then again…maybe he wasn't doing this for that. Maybe he actually felt some sort of connection to me too. He was so damn hard to read sometimes.

Sighing in annoyance I reached out to flip the clock back around to face me. 12:17. Time, on the other hand, wasn't as comforting as darkness and moonlight was. It always passed either too slowly, or seems to fly by in a matter of seconds when it was the most precious. And tonight time seemed to want to pass by as slowly as it could.

I didn't bother with rolling over and attempting sleep again. It was useless. I threw off the covers instead, setting my feet down on the shaggy green carpet. I wasn't going to get any sleep tonight unless I talked to or at least saw in again. Just once. Silently I slipped out into the hall, mounting the back staircase to the top floor.

I didn't hesitate or even bother to knock outside his door, and let myself in instead. My eyes quickly scanned the darkness, moonlight streaming through the window to wash over the roses. The feeling in my stomach started to fade as I realized he wasn't there. 12:25. Where could he be? I sat down on his bed, trying to think of where he could at this time of night. My eyes landed on the pot of tiger lilies at the foot of the bed.

The courtyard! That was it that had to be it! He spent almost as much time there as he did in his own room, looking at their flowers and critiquing how poorly they were taking care of. I left his room, praying he would be in the courtyard and not with Axel and Demyx.

The only door to the courtyard was on the main floor. A lone doctor was walking across the smooth marble floor, whistling cheerfully to himself. I waited pressed against the wall of the staircase until his whistling disappeared. I half ran, half slid my way to the back sliding glass door in the middle of the main hallway, pushing it open slowly. I winced at the loud squeak it made that seemed to reverberate off of the walls of the empty hallway. Freezing, I glanced behind me, waiting for what seemed like forever. No one came.

I slipped out into the courtyard, closing the door behind me. Even though it was only late August, it still often thunder stormed and rained, so it wasn't surprising to discover dark clouds had quickly started to fill the sky. I followed the little stone pathway through the trees and bushes, glancing up at the night sky. The moon was almost full, surrounded by small, blinking stars that were quickly being smothered by the cloud blanket. I shifted my gaze away from the sky, discovering myself out of the trees and bushes and near the flower beds. Marluxia was there, sitting on a stone bench next to a flower bed of daffodils.

"What are you doing out here at a time like this?" I asked him, lowering myself down onto the bench next to him. He didn't jump at my intrusion, as always it was like he was expecting me to randomly show up.

"I could ask you the very same thing." He looked up at me, his eyes not exactly hard, but they certainly weren't soft like they had been earlier when I had given him the Dove chocolate wrapper.

"I couldn't sleep. Thought I would come outside where I could see the moonlight better." That, of course, was a complete lie. I stared back at his unwelcoming eyes, praying silently that he wouldn't catch my lie. He was good at that.

Finally he looked away, back down at the flowers near his feet. "So did I. Only not for the moonlight." He nodded his head down at the flowers, like it wasn't apparent why he would be out here already. We sat in uncomfortable silence, him looking down and me looking up. I hated awkward silences.

"We need to talk." He said suddenly, looking up but not directly at me. I jerked my head to look in his direction, his statement catching me off guard.

"About what?" He leveled my eyes at him again, hoping that he would look back at me again. He didn't.

"Us. Truthfully I don't know why you're after me because you truly like me, or if it's because…" He let his voice trail off.

"Because…?" Why else would he think I was here?

"Because you think I'd be easy." He glanced at me once, before looking away again.

"Of course I'm not here just to have sex with you! What makes you think that?" I started counting in my head, just in case my anger started to flare up.

"I don't know. I just do."

"Well I'm not, so don't think that way. If I was, I would have already don't you think I would have just gone against your wishes?" I closed my eyes, still counting. When he didn't respond, I opened them again. He was still looking down at the little flowers, a pensive look upon his face. I sighed heavily, focusing on the fragile little flowers too.

"I…haven't been completely honest with you." He said quietly.

"Mm. And just what haven't you been honest about?" I stopped counting numbers, my heartbeat normal.

He sighed. "You will be upset."

"Tell me anyway."

"Fine" He sighed again. "I'm not a virgin."

"What?!" I flew up from the bench, looking down at him in surprise. "That was practically the first thing that flew out of your mouth when you first arrived here! Why would you lie about that?" I couldn't help my voice level from raising several levels. Marluxia stared steadily back at me, the slightest bit of emotion sparking across his face.

"I've only had sex with one other person _once. _And I didn't like it that much. That's why I push you away so much when it comes to that."

"You could have just told me."

"I didn't think you would understand."

"You're right. I don't understand fully." The expression in his eyes was almost unreadable. I stayed standing, looking down at him. He looked away and stood up. "I'm leaving." He turned his back to me.

"Wait." I grabbed his shoulders and spun him back around, forcing him to sit back down on the bench. I few random raindrops here and there hit the ground and soil, one raindrop landing on my shoulder. "I'm not disgusted or anything like I know you think I am. I'm just merely surprised that you haven't said anything about that. You never explained to me fully why you didn't want to have sex. You could have just told me." I kept my hands pressed firmly against his shoulders, so he couldn't get up again.

"It's like I said before. I didn't think you would understand and that you would be upset. And your acting pretty upset right now." His eyes rose to meet mine and held them.

"I'm not upset. I promise." I let him go and sat back down next to him. "So. Who was it with anyway?"

He looked at me, smirking and raising an eyebrow. "Why are you so interested in that?"

"I want to know who beat me to it." I returned his smirk.

"It was the night of my junior prom in high school. With some guy who was twenty one or something like that."

"How did you end up with a twenty one year old at high school prom?"

"He came with someone as their date." He flicked his head, sending straying locks of hair behind his shoulders. I couldn't help the inner fire that was starting to spread in my belly.

"So because of him you went celibate?" I took a deep breathe to stop the feelings from gathering inside. They didn't falter.

"Not exactly 'celibate' more so that I made a mistake by sleeping with him, and I would rather not make that mistake again." He nudged a pebble with his foot.

"So you think I would become 'just another mistake?'" I tried to keep my eyes from looking at him, watching his lips move and his body movements. The rain started to get harder, but neither of us made a move to go back inside.

"No. It's hard to explain but…"

"I understand." I cut him off, succumbing to the desire to watch him again as he sat on the bench, eyes grazing over all the nearby plants. I couldn't fight the urges anymore; no matter how hard I tried. I leaned across the short distance in between us, cupping his chin in my hand and turning his head to look at me.

"You must have a thing for older men, hmm?" His custom smirk spread lazily across his lips again. Before I had a chance to open his mouth and answer I closed the distance completely between us, pressing my lips greedily to his. I felt him tense up and hesitate, but none the less he kissed me back, like always. The only sounds in the courtyard were from the fountain a few yards away from us, gurgling like always, and the sound of crickets chirping and the sound of the rain getting gradually harder. I paused once for air before attacking him again, my hands ghosting down his sides. I knew I couldn't get further, he wouldn't let me. But I had to try. I stood up, forcing him to follow me. Slowly I spun around so his back was to the flower beds. Firmly I grabbed his hips, forcing him down onto his back in the midst of a flower bed that was full of daffodils, violets, and bluebells.

I ran one hand through his hair, taking my time to see how far he would let me go. My other hand traveled downward, pausing to trace light patterns across his stomach. His own hands lay stationary on the dirt, his fingers dug slightly into it. But he was kissing me back just as strongly, which only provoked my hand down further. My other hand left his hair to join my other hand, running my index fingers slightly around the edge of the inside of his pants. He made an undecipherable noise, but didn't make another sound, even after I paused and continued playing with his waistband. By now the rain was pouring, soaking both us and the flowers around us. Their head began to droop from the extra weight of the raindrops.

Within minutes my shirt was off, and so was his. I went back to tracing my fingers across his now bare torso, enjoying the feeling of his warm skin against the thudding cold rain. With my stomach turning into knots I reached for his waistband again, curling my fingers around each side. This was as far as he had let me go the last time which seemed like it had been an eternity ago instead of only yesterday. Slowly I slid the soft cotton piece of clothing downward, my hands following afterwards to travel the length of his boxers. Without wasting time I hooked my fingers around those too, cascading them down. He made another noise and I froze again, but he didn't protest. I glanced down at him, his hair collecting clumps of wet soil, his bangs clinging to his forehead.

He was going to let me.

Something in the back of my mind protested, saying that he was just letting me finally take him so I would be satisfied finally and happy. Quickly I shooed the thought away. My hands started working on impulse, reaching up to slid off my own final pieces of clothing. The thought dawned on me that I had nothing to use for lubrication, but I couldn't stop now.

Nothing could stop me now.

* * *

**Ah! Fluff is everywhere! But not for long...**


	3. Almost Lover

**Yuck the first half of December is so stressful. I hardly have a life during this time, with school and all of the before Christmas break projects and papers and blah blah blah...but hopefully I'll get another chapter up before Christmas...hopefully...**

**The title of this chapter goes with Roxas's past. It's not the exact title of the song, but Good-bye My Almost Lover fit better than Almost Lover did...**

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**Chapter 3**

_Good-bye My Almost Lover_

_(Roxas)_

* * *

_Good-bye my almost lover, Good-bye my hopeless dream, I'm trying not to think about you, can't you just let me be? So long my luckless romance, my back is turned on you. Should've known you'd bring me heartache. Almost lovers always do. –A Fine Frenzy__

* * *

_

"Oh cheer up. What's a little bit of the color pink going to do? Murder you?" Sora placed his hands on his hips, looking about my new living quarters.

"It might. I've never seen so much pinkness in my life! And you can't say anything; you don't have to stay here. You can still go off and have all your adventures. I'm stuck." I picked at the hem of my newly donned sweatpants, scrunching my nose at the unusual feel of them.

"Can't you be optimistic for once? It seems lately that you fall into little pits of depression all the time. Life isn't just out to get you." He opened the door the small closet on the wall near the foot of the bed, revealing to my dislike that the inside of that was too, painted pink. I picked up the blue piece of paper on the middle of the bed again, scanning my eyes back over the meal times.

"I have to go eat lunch soon with a whole bunch of random lunatics. What do I do?" I couldn't help my whining. The current situation I was in sucked. Sora shook his head and sighed.

"I'm sure you will find at least _one _person you connect with. They can't all reject you." He flopped down on the poofy pink comforter, folding his arms behind his head.

"But what if I don't? What if they all reject me? Ah this is like my freshmen year in high school all over again!" I continued picking at the hem of the pants.

"These people are completely different than kids in high school. Most of them are older than high school age and more mature than that." He reassured me for the millionth time that day. Thankfully he had been with me all day, instead of randomly disappearing to go meet someone to do this or running off to somewhere else to do that.

"Older. that's a real comfort. What if most of the people here are in their sixties or something?" I looked down at him sprawled lazily across the bed in his customary relaxed, arms behind the head state. Sora had always been a determined person throughout the long time span I had known him, since we were four. But right now he didn't seem very determined to do anything but look at the bright side of life.

"They're not. I saw a lot of people in the hallways. Some were old, yes but more than half of them weren't even middle aged, or close to it. So relax about that. This place is big enough that it houses people our age too." He started picking at the end of the pink pillow case, much to the similar fashion that I was pulling at my hem.

"I thought you said something about meeting Riku today." He had mentioned this to me for the past couple of days, so it was surprising it hadn't left yet.

"I was. But I told him that we would hang out another day soon. I wouldn't be a very good person if I abandoned you today." The feeling of surprise grew. Sora not going on another adventure? Every time he went with somebody, he always came back with a million stories to tell me. Sora was always going off on adventures. Without me.

"Well you're right. Thanks though…." My voice faded off as I turned to glance out the open window.

"No need for thank you, you know that I don't mind staying with you." He stretched and ran a hand through his shock of brown hair. Suddenly there was a loud knock on the door, making us both jump. Sora grinned at me. "Well aren't you going to answer it?" I huffed at him and reluctantly made my way to the door. I put my hand on the knob and started to open it, but stopped thinking better of it.

"Who is it?" I called out. I heard Sora snicker softly from behind me.

"Name's Axel. Don't worry I'm not some insane homicidal maniac. I just want to talk to ya." Sounded normal enough. I finished turning the doorknob and pulled the door open, admitting my visitor. Despite his hair the first thing that drew me in was his eyes. Shocking emerald green, with a glint of mischief and glee in them. Below his eyes were two tattoos, almost in the shape of teardrops. I couldn't help but stare, taking in his striking features and lean figure.

"Like I said, name's Axel. You're Roxas right?" I realized my mouth was hanging open slightly. Quickly I shut it and swallowed, trying to relocate my voice.

"Yea, Roxas." Awkwardly I stuck my hand out. He smirked widely at it, taking it in his. "How do you know my name anyway?"

"Xemnas told me and sent me down here. Don't ask how he knows he just….knows everything about us. And I guess you are our final member, so we can be an official 'Organization XIII.'" I resisted the urge to open my mouth again, trying to process what he had said into my brain.

"Ok…who's Xemnas and what's an Organization XIII?" Axel sighed, but his smile was still spread across his face. He plopped down in the desk chair, as if he was getting ready to tell a long story.

"Roxas…" I turned my attention to him again, standing behind me. "I'm going to go now for a little while since you are no longer alone. I'll be back later." He leaned in to whisper to me. "Be careful." I flicked my eyes over to Axel the briefest of seconds, knowing very well what Sora meant. When I glanced back over my shoulder, he was gone.

"Xemnas is our leader…type person. He was the first one of us to come here and the one who keeps us in check and organized us by title and number and created Organization XIII, even though at the time there were only eleven of us. All of us basically have…" I sat down on the edge of the desk, listening to Axel's story of Organization XIII and all the other members and their titles. I admired the way Axel didn't mess around and had gotten right to the point. I mentally punched myself, reminding myself to be cautious. I couldn't fall that fast for another boy again.

"I don't understand what all the….'titles' mean." I said when he had finished his story.

"Once you get to know everybody than you will be able to make the connections. Such and Vexen, the Chilly Academic. He's well…not the warmest person you'll ever meet." Axel started cracking up at his own joke while I just stared at him in mild amusement at his laugh.

"So what about you what's your story?" Axel had stopped laughing at was watching me now.

"My story?" I was close to stuttering.

"Yea. Are you here just because someone turned you in or what?" Axel leaned back in his chair, placing his feet up on the desk.

"Oh. Yea my parents did." I whirled away on my heel and sat down on the bed.

"I feel bad you. Stuck in this little box of pink. Has it driven you insane yet?" Axel was flitting from topic to topic like a hyper hummingbird. The manner in which he was doing it made it seem like he was almost...nervous or something. What could he be nervous about?

"It's starting to." My eyes slowly lifted, suddenly caught in his deep green ones. I looked away, my past attempt at love still burned deeply into my brain. I couldn't fall in love again. Not after…

It all felt like it had happened so long ago, even though it had all happened not even a week ago. The now familiar ache in my heart and stomach started to churn again. I knew I shouldn't still have feelings for him. But it wasn't long ago at all and I was still in love with him, despite what he had done. Everyone tried to convince me that I deserved better, that he wasn't worth it. It didn't help the Olette and Pence had given up on me for the most part, not knowing if they should take his side or mine.

"Hey? You ok?" Axel's voice broke through the barrier my memory had conjured up. I realized I was staring off into nothingness at a point high up on the wall. I shook my head, trying to flush the images away.

"Yes, I'm fine." Axel raised an eyebrow. He wasn't stupid. He dropped his feet from on top of the desk and rand a hand over one particularly large spike jutting out from his head. He brought his hands together in front of him, as if he were anxious or something.

"You're real quiet. I didn't think it was possible for anyone to be quieter than Zexion, but here you are." He spun around in the desk chair absentmindedly.

"Who's Zexion?" It was impossible to remember all the names that he had told me.

"Number Six. He's really quiet, most of the time. But he's gotten better the longer he's been here. Which makes it even funnier that he likes Demyx. Demyx is the polar opposite of quiet and shy." I strained to remember what he had said about "Demyx." Axel continued. "Demyx is blonde and bubbly, and Zexion isn't even in the same time zone as that. Well Marluxia and Saix aren't exactly similar either, but they are a closer match than the other two." What was he talking about? Was everyone in this Organization XIII gay and all over each other? So did that mean that there was someone all over Axel too?

No, it's not like it should matter. Love affairs and romances were off of my agenda.

Why did every thought somehow lead back to him? I didn't want to think about him anymore. I still loved him, even though I shouldn't. Thinking about him constantly would not help anything. He wasn't worth the rollercoaster emotions anymore…

…he couldn't be.

"_I can't believe you won Roxas! You were great out there!" Olette squealed and flung her arms around my neck in a tight hug. I could hardly believe I had won either. The Struggle Title Match was the biggest competition all year, and the first time I had entered the title match I had won. I really had won. I felt like I was flying, everything was spinning around me in a blur of disbelief and surprise. Pence was standing behind Olette, beaming brightly at my trophy, which he was holding while people swarmed me from all sides. _

_But where was Hayner…_

_I pushed up to my toes, trying to look over the heads to locate him. He couldn't be mad at me; after all it was his idea for both of us to be in the match in the first place. He had said with both of us in the competition, we were bound to win. And I had won; I should have still been soaring above the clouds, my heart pumping accomplishment. But with his sudden disappearance, my stomach was starting to fall down into a pit of worry, knots twisting up all the way to my heart. _

_"What's wrong Roxas?" Olette had noticed the worried look on my face._

_"Where's Hayner?" Olette and Pence glanced nervously at each other. Uh-oh._

_"Well…Roxas…after you beat him, he left, He wasn't…pleased." Olette sputtered out, looking down at her shoes. _

_Shit._

_I shoved through the crowds of lingering people, ignoring Pence's calls that he still had my trophy. That didn't matter right now. All the mattered was finding Hayner. I finally broke through the last bit of people, sprinting down the nearly empty street. Everyone in town was at the Struggle Match. I checked a few of our regular places; on top of the tower, outside the train station, the back steps of his house. There was only one place left he could be. I raced on, my heart hammering against my chest, more from fear and anxiety than from exertion. I skidded to a stop outside of the back alley, my eyes quickly scanning the area. I was just about to assume he wasn't there and was in the woods instead when I found him in the darkest corner of the alley, staring straight ahead at the brick wall across from him. He didn't look at me when I approached him._

_"Hayner, I've been looking all over for you!" I sat down next to him, feeling the cold brick of the building behind me against my back through my thin shirt. "Why didn't you wait for me?" _

_Hayner stayed silent, still staring straight ahead. His jaw was clenched tight, a strong symbol he was angry, or more so angry with me. "You shouldn't have beaten me." He finally replied, his voice low and dangerous. _

_"What? Well Hayner…it was luck." It hadn't been luck, not even relatively close to luck. I had smothered him. But I just wanted to prove to everyone that I wasn't the weak one in our relationship. I wanted to prove that we were equal to each other._

_"You are the submissive in everything else, how could you have beaten me?" He glanced at me through menacingly narrowed eyes._

_"But I won Hayner, just like you wanted. You said you wanted one of us to win, you never said you wanted just yourself to win. And you signed me up for the match in the first place!" My voice was starting to take on a begging tone. I hated when he got like this. _

_"I don't care if I had won overall or not! You shouldn't have beaten me! You shouldn't have even tried! I hold all the dominance in this relationship and now everyone will think of me as weak to you!" Now that Hayner was looking at me, I wished he would look back at the wall. His lips were pulled back in a rabid snarl, his eyes dark and dangerous. On instinct I scooted away a few feet from him._

_"No one will think that Hayner I promise! It was just one struggle match! Just one!" Hayner didn't miss a beat and started coming after me as I continued to stumble backwards. _

_"If I had beaten you, we wouldn't be in this situation! But now I have to prove to everyone, but especially you, that you are indeed the submissive." Hayner was so close now that our noses were almost touching. His snarl disappeared and the next thing I knew I was looking up at the sky above me with no memory of how I had ended up on my back. Something warm and sticky was dripping down my face and into my mouth. Shakily I raised a hand, brushing it across my face until I found where it was coming from. My nose was bleeding. My senses finally kicked in, and suddenly my head was screaming with pain from where it had smashed into the hard pavement. I couldn't get my eyes to focus, and when they finally did the first thing I saw was Sora. He was leaning over me, one hand wrapped protectively around my wrist. _

_"Wha…what happened?" I asked him, trying to sit up. He pushed me back down. _

_"Your son of a bitch boyfriend, that's what happened!" His eyes were mixed with worry and anger. It was a rare thing for Sora to be angry enough to start cussing. "I swear Roxas, he's never allowed within a hundred yards of you, ever! How could you let him just hit you like that?" _

_"But Sora…I love…him…" Sora opened his mouth to retort but suddenly Olette was there on my other side, looking down at me in terror. _

_"Roxas, everyone has been looking all over for you! What happened?" She dropped to her knees, her hand going to my forehead._

_"I don't remember. I was talking to Hayner and he was mad and I think…he hit me…" My eyes started to slide out of focus again. I closed them, the spinning world around me making me nauseous. _

_"You think? How could you not know if he hit you or not?" Olette's voice held more panic than I had ever seen her show before. "Pence! Pence over here! I found him!" _

_"He must have…that's what Sora said…where is Hayner?" I could here several more pairs of thudding feet making their way over to me. _

_"Sora? Who is Sora, Roxas?" _

"Roxas? Hello? Anyone home?" Axel was dancing around in front of me, trying to catch my attention. The look on my face must have worried him. He reached out towards me. On impulse I flinched, turning my head away, one of my hands going to the back of my head, which still had some stitches in it.

Axel quickly drew his hand back, studying me. "What's wrong?" His eyebrows were furrowed together, his eyes and voice full of concern.

"No...Nothing. Just thinking about something. I'm fine." Axel raised an eyebrow, seeing clear through my lie.

"Riight…" Axel backed away again, opening the door to the hallway. "It's lunchtime. Let's go." He held the door open, waiting. I eyed him over briefly once before following him out into the hallway and the groups of lingering deranged people on their way to eat. Axel started talking fast again, reminding me of his nervousness.

"Don't ever make fun of Xaldin's sideburns, even though they are hilarious. It's not worth it. Don't ridicule Marluxia about Saix whenever Saix is in the same room. Saix has some kind of mental anger problem that I don't think anyone wants to see the other side of. You'll be sitting next to Larxene, but since you're the last one you will be next to Xemnas too, who always sits at the head of the table. Larxene is just damn weird; there is no other way to explain it. She's also the only girl, which for some reason she takes great pride in. And if Xigbar…what are you doing?" Axel cut himself off, skidding to a halt when he realized that I had stopped at the elevator doors.

"Taking the elevator, why where are you going?" Axel's eyes shifted.

"The stairs. Don't take the elevator." Axel's mood had completely changed over the course of thirty seconds.

"…Why?" He lurched back over to me, latching onto my arm and dragging me away from the elevator doors.

"Because…just because! The stairs are better." He mounted the main staircase, along with the very few people in the hospital who took the stairs. Most of them were hurried doctors and other staff members.

"There has to be a reason you don't like elevators! Are you claustrophobic or something?" Axel shook his head, ignoring my question. I sighed, deciding to ask him something else. "Ok…so if my floor is floor C, then why is it underneath floors D and E instead of A and B?" Even though I was on the last floor that held rooms for the patients, there were still three or four floors before the main one where the dining hall was.

"I asked myself that very same question when I first got here, but nobody really knows why." He shrugged, pushing through a group of huddled nurses who were trying to direct people to follow them at the bottom of the final staircase. He reached his hand back to gently grab my wrist, winding his way through the lingering people. He led me into a huge darkened room, its noise level bouncing off the spacious wall and ceiling. He wound us between the tables, halting a line of people who were apparently retrieving food. I glanced around at all the faces around me, trying to find someone who looked like a "Xigbar" or a "Zexion."

"So where are all these people you have been talking about?" The line inched forward a couple of steps.

"Most of them are probably at our table already. It's in the back where most of the monitors don't go." I scanned the people again, pushing up onto my toes to look over the nearby heads. The line wasn't very long, and soon I was holding a tray, an unappetizing heap of food on it.

"What…is…this?" I realized that I had been talking in mostly in questions. It was hard not to, there was so much that I wanted to know, and more questions kept constantly rising up in my mind.

"Um…I think it's a burrito that's just not rolled up." He picked up the edges of the tortilla, folding them over each other. The burrito fell open as soon as he took his hand away.

"I guess it's an opened face burrito." He grinned widely before marching forward, swiveling around people and tables like an expert. I saw the people at the table in the far corner, and knew immediately that was where Axel was headed. The individuals seated around the table were an odd looking bunch, different hair lengths and colors clashing against each other, body structures ranging from small and thin to big and muscular.

"I've found our missing piece!" Axel sang out, dropping his tray in between a cerulean hair colored man and a thinner boy with blonde hair a couple of shades darker than my own. I froze, trying to remember who Axel said I would sit by. _You'll be sitting next to Larxene, but since you're the last one you will be sitting by Xemnas too, who always sits at the head of the table. _I picked out the only girl in the mismatched group, large antennae jutting out from her head. The whole table shifted around to make room for me. Everyone was pressed up tightly together, shoulders hitting each against one another, making it hard to move about freely.

"What did you call him Xemnas?" Axel was a good four people away from me.

"The Key of Destiny." Silver hair beside spoke up, his voice deep and smooth. _Xemnas,_ I thought _the leader. _The man with the streaked pony tail beside him started snickering underneath his breath. Even though I didn't know what he was laughing at, I felt my face flare with the slightest of heat.

"What's so amusing Xigbar?" Xemnas turned his attention to his companion, along with everyone else.

"Oh nothing. It just looks like Axel finally found his prince charming." More eruptions of snickering swept quickly across the table. Larxene sitting next to me did nothing to hide her glee.

"What makes you think so?" Axel hadn't moved an inch or even start to blush.

"You've talked forever about how you wished someone would come along that satisfied all of your love needs. And by the look on your face, you have." The voice came from beyond the table. The newcomer was tall, about Axel's height and had the weirdest hair color than all of the people around me. He stood gripping a tray between delicate fingers, his eyes sweeping over me in a once over.

"About time you showed up Mar. Where have you been?" Xaldin asked. I knew who he was immediately from his sideburns.

"Therapy session ran late." He walked around the table. He seemed to radiate a sense of higher position, so I was surprised when everyone shuffled even close together and he sat down next to Larxene, making him Number Eleven.

"Was it with Reynolds or Dunbar?" Axel asked, looking slightly pleased that the conversation was no longer focused on him.

"Dunbar. Reynolds is always punctual." He stared down at his plate, but didn't even bother to touch the food on it.

"Reynolds does have a stick up his ass." Xigbar piped up again. I sighed quietly in relief, now that the conversation was off of Axel…liking me? I didn't see how he could. We had barely known each other for half an hour.

"What did I miss?" Marluxia looked back up, eyeing Axel.

"Oh nothing except the announcement of Axel falling in love at first sight" Larxene tilled. Damn it.

"With Roxas hmm?" Marluxia ran his eyes over me again. "Seems to be one Axel would chase after." Axel slid down in his seat slightly.

"Maybe this one will chase him back and he will actually find a keeper." A short blonde haired man sitting next to Marluxia replied.

"Alright give me a break already! You guys aren't helping the situation at all!" Axel grumbled, though his voice hinted hidden joy. I, on the other hand, had slid down farther on the metal bench, looking straight down trying to hide my blushing face.

* * *

"All I'm saying is be careful. You've only known him for a couple of hours and I don't want you to end up hurt like last time." Sora paced in front of me in the growing dark of my room. Not too long after dinner when I reentered my room Sora showed up, none too happy about the conversation that had happened at dinner that I informed him about. I expected him to be a little over protective now, with the whole Hayner thing, but not _this _protective. 

"You know I will be I'm not stupid Sora." I leaned back onto my back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling.

"Yes, but you are a little naïve at times." He sat down on the edge of the bed, looking down at his shoes. I sighed in annoyance and arched my back, stretching out the muscles. I decided to change the subject.

"I actually have classes here, so I don't get behind in real life. But they are a lot simpler and not as crammed together."

"How so?" Sora was still gazing down at the floor.

"Well…tomorrow I have a composition slash literature class in the morning for a little of an hour and tomorrow afternoon I have a pre-calculus class." I stretched my legs out too, enjoying the sensation of loosing the muscles in them.

"And that's it?" Sora finally looked back up at me, arching an eyebrow.

"Yup, and tomorrow I have anatomy, and on Thursday I have American History and math again. I don't have anything on Friday. I guess there aren't very many other people around my age here, so all the same people will have classes at the same time as me."

Sora smiled. "It sounds like you are already starting to like it here better than back home." I snorted and joined my hands together over my head, popping a few bones in my back.

"No way!" I flopped back down on the bed, deeply sniffing the comforter to see if I could tell what kind of detergent they washed it in. Whatever it was, it smelled like old water and hard soap.

Sora stood up, placing his hands high above his head and stretching in a much similar fashion as I had earlier. "It's late Roxas, I need to go home. I'll come see you tomorrow." He turned around and flashed me his award winning smile, before he was gone.

Sighing in a mixture of several pessimistic emotions, I slid off of the bed, rummaging around through my newly acquired attire, finally locating what I assumed was to be my pajamas, though they weren't much different than what I already had on.

I returned to my new bed, spinning on my heel and falling flat onto my back on top of the comforter. The room was uncomfortably warm, so I didn't even bother with the blankets and left the bed made.

After what seemed like forever of tossing and turning and rolled over to check the time. Only a half hour had passed since Sora had left. Sighing in annoyance I sat up, rubbing my eyes just as a loud knock came on the worn wood of the door. Before I had a chance to reply to it a small, plump lady with fizzy orange curls bounced into the room, wearing a pink dress that was slightly soiled in random spots. She smiled warmly at me, making the room feel even more uncomfortable.

"Good evening Roxas! I was just coming to check up on you to see that you got settled in for your first night here." She placed her chubby hands on her even chubbier hips and glanced around the room quickly. "You seem to have settled down just fine!" She paused to shiver and run her hands up her arms. "Ooh it's a bit chilly in here don't you think?"

"Wha….yea…sure…"I stared at her in slight disbelief. I could practically feel the sweat from the heat slowly running down my forehead from my hairline. I reached up to wipe it away, only to discover that it wasn't there.

"Well if you need anything there is a little button on the side of the bottom bedpost." She pointed it out. The little red button was giving off a faint, merry tiny glow. "And there is another one by the desk." She pointed that one out too. The only difference to this one was that it was green. "Just push either one of them and someone will be here in a jiffy." She chuckled to herself, before giving me a once over again.

"Hey you alright there sweetheart? You look a little pale." I raised my hand to my head again, only to notice that it was shaking now.

"Y…yea. I'm fine." I pulled back the blankets on the bed, acting as if I was getting ready to get underneath them. The nurse narrowed her eyes but didn't pres further.

"Well, alright darling. Sweet dreams!" With that she bounded back out of the room, closing the door firmly behind her. The lock clicked into place. I pulled the covers back to their original position and laid back down on them, closing my eyes and attempting to go to sleep.

Twenty minutes later I opened my eyes slightly, hoping some hours at least had passed. Sighing in annoyance at the slow passing of time I rolled back over to my left side, curling my legs up and trying to doze off.

I had just started to leave consciousness when the room suddenly got even hotter. I struggled to sit up, pulling off my large shirt and my roomy pajama bottoms. I welcomed the slightly cooler air against my recently freed skin, taking a few deep breaths before lying back down on the bed, hugging the large pillow up again my head and upper torso.

Axel randomly crossed my mind just as I was about to finally doze off. His bright jade eyes gave me a feeling that I couldn't quite place, a feeling I had never experienced with anyone before, even Hayner. Just thinking about them caused a shiver to run up my spine. Speaking of shivers…I _was _shivering. The room had suddenly become unnaturally cold, like everything had turned to ice and snow. Groaning I rolled over yet again, pulling out the puffy comforter and the sheets and throwing them over me, not bothering to put my clothes back on, should I get hot again. My body heat would keep my warm. I snuggled down as deep as I could into the mattress, trying my best to not move much. I watched the numbers tick y on the clock, each one slower than the last.

The next thing I knew I was standing in the midst of an amusement park, but I didn't recognize it at all. A haunted house ride was on my left, a roller coaster was up ahead, and next to it was one of those spinney cup rides. The amusement park was packed with other people, but none of them looked quite normal. Some of them had purple or green skin, others were extremely tall, and almost everyone was wearing funny looking clothing and speaking in an incoherent language. I glanced down at my own body, surprised to see what I was wearing. Everything I wore was black. The coat reached to just above the shiny, rounded toe boots I was wearing on my feet. The zipper of the coat was zipped up to the top, but split near the bottom of it. I was donning black gloves too. Confused, I tried to tug the zipper down and take the coat off, but it wouldn't budge.

"There you are! We've been looking all over for you!" Axel was standing near me all of a sudden, wearing the same outfit as I was. He stepped a few paces closer to me, invading my nose with the pungent smell of smoke and burning embers. Saix, Xaldin, and Larxene all stood behind him, looking around impatiently. I noticed they were all dressed in the same outfit too. Larxene was holding what looked like miniature, colorful knives between her fingers. She used one of them to brush back a stray lock of hair.

"Are we going yet or are we just going to stand here and gawk all day?" Saix sighed in apparent annoyance. The other two seemed not to be paying attention. Xaldin was scanning over the heads of the crowd, as if he was looking for someone, and Larxene was aiming at an unsuspecting little black creature that looked like a giant bug. She threw one of her little knives suddenly, imbedding it perfectly between the creature's eyes. It squirmed as if in agony before disintegrating into little wisps of black ribbons and then fading away completely. I was staring at the place where the giant bug creature had been in awe, trying to figure out what had just happened to it.

"Come on let's go." Axel latched onto my hand forcibly and drug me away from the other three, who didn't even acknowledge that we were gone. Axel pulled me around the corner of the haunted house ride where Xemnas was standing. He had his hands on his hips, studying something with a look of slight distaste on his face. My eyes wandered over to the wall of the building where Vexen and Marluxia were. I felt my jaw drop as I realized what they were doing. Marluxia had backed Vexen up against the wall, his hands greedily on the other's hips. Vexen was responding in much the same way, pulling Marluxia as close to him as possible. They were attacking each other's lips with as much force as they could muster. A large vine covered in small pink flowers entwined around them. As I gawked, the vine slowly became frozen as if the two's passion was freezing it. Axel, and Xemnas for that matter, didn't seem fazed by this at all. Axel just continued dragging me away, passed them and on a winding course towards the roller coaster in the distance. He pulled me into the entrance for it, pushing passed people as if they didn't even exist. My stomach was gaining more and more butterflies by the minute, but I couldn't figure out why. Roller coasters had never bothered me before.

Suddenly all of the other people were gone, as if the ground had swallowed them all whole, save for Axel and myself. Axel was eagerly climbing into the front seat of the roller coaster as if nothing at all was wrong, looking back at my expectantly. Having no other choice, I followed him in. I was about to ask him how the roller coaster was going to start, considering all the engineers and workers had disappeared as well, when the ride took off at an alarming speed, slamming me back against the pain chipped metal of the seat. As the coaster gained even more incredible speed I realized that it was made of wood, and was ancient. I reached forward to grab a hold of the safety bar and pull it down across me, only to realize there wasn't one. My heart pounding in my chest, I grabbed tightly onto the bar of the front of the seat. My breath hitched in my throat as we approached a loop. I tightened my grip on the bar and closed my eyes, convinced I would fly out as soon as we went upside down. I felt the familiar sensation of being upside down, but when I opened my eyes again, the loop was behind us.

Struggling to keep my trembling hands on the bar, I turned my head to look at Axel. The seat next to me was empty. The car started climbing a hill, the old wood creaking under the weight of the metal contraption. I looked out across the amusement park as I gathered height, looking for someone, anyone, but the place was deserted. The car went down the hill, gathering up its speed again. It rounded a corner, back towards the starting point. But it shot straight through, going around the tracks again, and again. I was starting to feel nauseous, and I wanted off, _now. _Seeing no other choice I let go of the bar just in time for the loop. My hair stood up, and my arms rose above my head as I went upside down, but I stayed firmly in the seat. Thoroughly freaked out now, I broke down in tears as the roller coaster went around the tracks again, and again, and again…

I sat up in my bed, trembling. I took a couple of deep breaths, trying to get the shaking to stop. I put my hand up to my forehead, realizing I had broken into a cold sweat, and on top of that the room was hot again. I gently pushed the covers away, lying back down and trying to get rid of the feeling of constantly going up and down that the roller coaster dream had left in my stomach. It wouldn't go away, no matter how many different positions I lied in. A sudden wave of nausea flooded over me like a giant wave. Whimpering in slight dread of what was about to come, I rolled quickly out of the bed, closing the distance between me and the little plastic trash can by the door in a couple of strides.

As soon as what I assumed was all the food in my stomach was gone, I shakily got back to my feet and started back to the bed. After thinking twice I leaned down and grabbed the lid of the tiny trash can, dragging it behind me and back to the other side of the room. I laid back down on the bed, enjoying the feeling of nausea having been washed away from my stomach. I closed my eyes, thinking that must have been all that was bothering me.

Fifteen minutes later I had rolled off the bed onto the floor, emptying my already almost low stomach. I moaned in exasperation. I _hated _getting sick like this, especially when I am away from home. I laid down on the floor where I was, enjoying the solidness of the ground.

Not even ten minutes after that I was leaning back over the little trash can, spitting up stomach acid. Just as I as settling back down onto the floor, I realized that I couldn't go on like this all night until they let me out in the morning. At the rate I was going, the tiny trash can wasn't going to be able to hold all of my I stared up at the little red button blinking above me on the bed's bottom post. Even though I doubted the presence of the red haired woman would help, I had no other choice but to reach up and push the button. As soon as I pushed it the button began to glow, steady and bright. I lowered myself back onto the floor, closing my eyes and willing the feeling of nausea that was creeping back into my stomach to go away.

"Roxas?" A voice called from outside the door. A few seconds later the lock clicked open on the door. The sound of soft footsteps approached me across the lush carpet. I glanced up at the nurse, pleased to see it was the stout red haired one. This one had long blonde hair tied up in a simple pony tail. She was wearing a peach colored dress, which caught me off guard. She got down on her knees next to me. "Are you ok?"

"Why are you here if you are wearing a dress that isn't pink?" I chose not to answer her question, since it was apparent that I wasn't ok. I had been told that if I ever needed assistance or something, I should look for a nurse who was wearing a pink dress that day, which meant they were in charge of my hallway.

"All the nurses working for this hallway are busy right now. What's wrong?" I noticed she was young, younger than most of the other nurses I had encountered.

"I'm sick, and I keep throwing up, and all I want is a sink and a bathroom attached to this damn room." I tried to make the last bit of my sentence sound forceful, but it came out more like plea.

"Well I'll take you to the sick ward, where you will have a bathroom." She grabbed onto my arms just below my elbows, pulling me to my feet. By this point everything in the room was swimming, and I was too out of it to function properly. All I wanted was to lie down and actually sleep this time. I was barely conscious of the nurse helping me pull my large pajama shirt back over my head and lead me out of the room, her hand on the crook of my elbow to help guide me. The brightness of the white hallway didn't help my current situation at all. I groaned and closed my eyes against the nauseating obnoxiously bright white lights.

It seemed to take ten years to finally get where she was taking me. The blonde nurse, who still had a tight grip on me, led me through a sliding glass door and spoke to an elderly woman behind a desk before dragging me down a short hallway. The place smelled faintly like an old people's home, but luckily the hallway wasn't pink or white and instead was a soft tan color. She opened a door and ushered me inside a little room that smelled like band-aids. I set my eyes on the small bed in the corner and headed for it, hell bent on collapsing on top and closing my eyes, welcoming the sensation of sleep. I had only made it half way across the room when my stomach flipped over harshly, indicating that I needed a bathroom, _now._ I moaned in despair, my eyes flicked across the room, looking for somewhere to cough up stomach acid. The nurse, sensing my predicament, opened an adjourning door I had failed to see before. Much to my delight the bathroom wasn't stark white like I expected it to be. Instead it was the same tan as the room. I didn't have time to appreciate it as my stomach betrayed me once more.

After what felt like forever I returned to the little room, lying down carefully on the bed. The nurse, as if she were my mother, pulled down the sheets and blanket and covered me with them. They were delightfully cool against my sweaty body. I snuggled down into the bed, dragging the blankets up so the edge ran across the bridge of my nose.

* * *

"I bet it was food poisoning. The food ladies are out to kill someone, I tell ya." I sighed softly under my breath, listening to the voice that was talking near me. It sounded vaguely familiar, but I wasn't about to open my eyes and find out who it was. After rolling around for most of the night and getting up at least four or five more times to get sick, I had finally fallen asleep. And now there were voices around me, whispering loudly. 

"Or maybe he contracted the flu from the outside world. It's very possible." The new voice was deeper, the words more carefully spoken and more though out.

"I still say, what's her name, Barb? Well anyway I still think she is out to kill somebody. Have you ever noticed her beady little eyes, staring at you? Ugh." A third voice clucked their tongue in annoyance.

"You're being irrational Axel. It's like Lexaeus said, he probably just caught the flu before he came here." Axel? I willed my eyes to open, and they did, slowly. Vexen was standing in my direct line of vision, sitting in a stiff looking chair I had failed to notice before. He sensed my gaze and turned to look at me. Axel must have noticed him looking down at me because suddenly he was there, kneeling at the edge of the bed, a foot or so away from me.

"He lives!" He smiled brightly at me. Vexen muttered something under his breath, but I couldn't catch it. When I was sure I wouldn't get sick from moving, I rolled over onto my back and propped myself up on my elbows slightly so I could look around the room better. Lexaeus was standing on the other side of Vexen's chair, leaning against the wall. Another person was lingering at the end of the bed, and it took my brain a minute to remember who it was. He shuffled around in his pocket and pulled out a card, triggering his name. Luxord. Though there was only five of us in the room, the small space felt slightly cramped.

"What are you all doing?" I said, rubbing my temples.

"Hey we always keep each other company when someone is in this ward, no matter if we get along or not." Axel stood up and stretched his back before sitting down on the edge of the bed near my legs. Behind him Vexen raised a slim eyebrow, but said nothing.

"Do you feel better?" Luxord chimed in, running his thumb over the back of the card before he pocketed it again.

"Actually….yea. But I still feel pretty bad." I took my elbows out from underneath me and let my head fall back on the pillow.

"Well good, because whatever you had I don't want it." Axel ran a hand through his spiky hair.

"You probably just have a touch of stomach flu is all." Lexaeus glanced up at a wall clock over the door to the bathroom.

"We should go." Vexen stood up from his chair at Lexaeus's simple statement. Luxord came around the edge of the bed and started towards the door.

"That means you too Axel. Roxas isn't going to get a bit better with you breathing down his neck constantly. Let him rest." Axel raised his upper lip in annoyance but heaved himself off of the bed anyway.

"Fine. I'll be back later Roxas, with some hopefully more cheerful company." The other three decided against replying to the vibrant red head. Luxord shut the door behind Axel, and I could hear them arguing all the way out of the sick ward.

I stared up at the creamy tan colored ceiling, enjoying the fact that it wasn't pink before I closed my eyes again. This time sleep came easier.

* * *

**I think I cursed myself. When I started writing the last half of this chapter, I really didn't feel good. I still don't. Yuck.**

**Reviews and random pm's about absolutly nothing are greatly appreciated.**


	4. Stand in the Rain

**Ah finally! After what feels like forever I finally have this chapter done. The ending is kind of rushed, but I was excited to almost have it done. I'm not entirely sure when the next chapter will be up, with school and the musical going on, but hopefully it won't take as long as this one did. **

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**Chapter 4**

_Stand in the Rain_

_(Demyx)_

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_So stand in the rain, stand your ground, stand up when it's all crashing down. You stand through the pain, you won't drown. And one day what's lost can be found, you stand in the rain. –Superchic__

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_My dreams keep getting weirder and weirder. Last night I dreamed about Xigbar making fun of Xaldin, and Xaldin sent this whirlwind towards him and knocked him off of a cliff. Everyone else is having dreams too, but no one talks about them too much. Roxas mentioned that the night he got sick, he dreamed he was on a rollercoaster, but he kind of avoided talking about other details, like there was more to the dream that bothered him. In my dreams everyone is always wearing the same black coat, even me, and at times seem to be in control of stuff, like my dream two nights ago when Axel set a flower on fire and Marluxia got mad at him. The least strange in all my dreams in Luxord, who still gambles, but he has giant cards around him._

I shut the notebook and ran my thumb absentmindedly over the cover. I glanced over at the calendar my mom had brought me, each month with a different picture showing water. The month of August had a picture of the ocean, the water crashing against a large bunch of rocks. I looked at today's date, my stomach clenching a little when I realized what day it was.

Today was the first day of school. The first day of my senior year.

And instead I was stuck in the midst of a mental hospital. Sighing I set my notebook down on my bed and left my room, looking for something to distract myself. I wandered down to the second floor. I glanced up at the clock. My appointment with Dr. Reynolds wasn't for a couple more minutes. I sighed and looked around the hall, bored. It was mostly empty. It was that odd time in the afternoon after lunch, but there is still hours left until dinner. A brilliant idea suddenly hit me. Eagerly I looked down the hallway, seeing how much room I needed. I wasn't wearing any shoes, which made it all the more better. I took a practice slide, sliding down to the very end of the hallway.

I waited until the hallway was clear before I started running. I sprinted to the middle of the hallway before I let the highly polished floor take over. Nurses looked at me in surprise as I slid passed them, laughing at I went. Why hadn't I done this before? I bet I could find even more slippery hallways to slide down in this place. It can be my new hobby. Hallway sliding.

I was fast approaching Dr. Reynolds's door. I turned slightly to the side, ready to skid to a stop when…WHAM! The heavy wood door opened with a bang, smashing into my nose. The force of the blow knocked me off balance and sprawling onto the floor. The door swung back a little and caught Dr. Reynolds on the side of the head. Surprised he pushed the door back open and peeked around it at me on the floor, blinking and covering my nose with one hand.

"Demyx, whatever are you doing?" The nurses and patients in the hallway, who had been in stunned silence, began to giggle.

"Wewl, Ie washaboot tu rack the recure fer the lunges hullwaee slid eer." Dr. Reynolds sighed with slight impatience at my muffled voice.

"Demyx I can't understand you with your hand over your face like that." He stood there awkwardly, looking down at me. I took my hand away, running the back of it across my nose. It was bleeding.

"I said, I was about to break the record for the longest hallway slide ever." I pushed to my feet, feeling the blood from my nose start to drip. Quickly I covered my face again.

"And was this worth it?" He led me into his office, after yelling the nurses to find someone to clean up the blood that had escaped onto the floor. He handed me a box of Kleenex that was sitting on his desk. I wiped the runaway blood off of my chin and neck before placing a couple of tissues underneath my nose.

"Yea! I would so do it again, without the door in the face part." I moved around to sit in front of his desk, setting the Kleenex box back down.

Dr. Reynolds stared at me blankly. "Ok. Let's just move on. I'm on a tight schedule today." He shuffled through some loose papers and folders on his desk before he pulled out a folder that had my name written in black Sharpie across the front. He opened it and settled back into his "I'm going to ask you a bunch of bull shit questions and you are going to answer them truthfully or else" pose.

"How have you been lately Demyx?" He picked up his pen, poised and ready to write notes.

"I've been fine." I breathed through my mouth, swinging my feet back and forth.

"And how is…" His voice trailed off as he shuffled through papers in my file. "Myde?" I knew what he wanted me to say. Myde who? I don't know this Myde you are talking about.

"He's been good. Yesterday he told me about this turtle that he found by a lake. It doesn't seem like a very interesting story, but it was. I guess you would have to hear it from him yourself." I smiled brightly at the psychiatrist. His expression had hardened some.

"Demyx you have been here for over a month now. Aren't you started to realize the Myde isn't real?" I sighed. Here we go.

"I can't. Myde is real. Very real. I can't just ignore him and think that will make all my problems go away. I would have more problems if he wasn't here to help me with them." I shifted in my seat. The man across from me was making me uneasy.

"Fine. Let's go a different route this time. Would you say that Myde is similar to you in personality?" Doctors and their weird questions.

"Well, sort of. I guess he is more….serious than I am at times. But I guess that's a good thing." I threw the tissues away and snatched a couple more out of the box, pausing to admire the little blue antibacterial dots on them. I like blue.

"And you still haven't even started to consider the fact that Myde is not real?" I sniffed hard, trying to resist the urge to sneeze. Sneezing when you have a bloody nose is not a pleasant thing.

"Why would I do that? Myde is real. He just doesn't talk to you or come around when I'm with you." Dr. Reynolds raised an eyebrow at me.

"Oh? And why is that?" I could tell by his tone of voice that he was not pleased with me, as usual.

"He doesn't like you. He says you and your army of brainwashers are trying to corrupt me." I didn't know if Myde would be mad that I had told him this, but the look that crossed Dr. Reynolds's face was worth it.

"Demyx, no one here is a brainwasher or trying to corrupt you. We are trying to assess your mental issues and correct them so you can live a normal life."

"Normal? I'm pretty normal already. I still don't see what is wrong with me." I threw the second wad of tissues away and snatched a third round out of the steadily emptying box. "What do you think is wrong with me that I'm no longer seen as 'normal'?"

He sighed heavily and looked at me as if he was about to tell me that my dog had died. "After going over the notes taken during your sessions, the recollection of your behavior from your family and friends, and after studying your brain scans, we believe you have a case of schizophrenia." I stopped sniffing up blood and stared at him.

"Schizophrenia?" I stared at him questioningly. My head was starting to hurt from being slammed by the door.

"Yes Demyx. However, your case is not mild, but it is not severe either." Like that was supposed to make me feel better.

"Wait…who are these 'friends' you asked about me? I didn't have any friends before I came here. Everyone thought I was insane and had ADHD." I narrowed my eyes curiously at him.

"Speaking of that, you do have a mild case of ADHD, but it's very mild. But never mind that. According to your father in a recent interview, you also have two very….unique phobias."

Damn. I was hoping those wouldn't come up. _Play it cool Demyx, Play it cool. _"What phobias did he tell you I had?" He shuffled through some papers and finally pulled out one and put it on top of the stack.

"It says here that he claimed you have Helminthophobia. The fear of being infested with worms." He looked up at me, eyebrow raised. "Why is that so scary to you Demyx?"

I huffed and slid down in my chair. "Hey do you want to be infested with worms? Because that doesn't sound like a trip to the cotton candy stand to me." The corners of his mouth twitched slightly.

"Alright, you do have a point. But your other phobia is not as explainable. Linonophobia. The fear of string. How can you be deathly afraid of string?" A flicker of amusement flashed across his eyes. I frowned at him. How could he find this amusing?

"Because when I was barely two years old I got tangled up in a roll of string I found in my mom's sewing drawer. I tried forever to get out of it, but it just kept getting worse and worse until the string was wrapped around every part of my little two year old body. It was tangled in my hair and was brushing against my eye and was preventing me from moving." I shuddered just at the memory of it. It was one of my oldest memories, and my worst memory.

"And so how did you get out of the string?" He began writing on the paper next to the header Linonophobia. Probably writing down how amusing all this was to him and making a reminder to bring it up again and again.

"My mom finally heard my screaming and cut me out with a pair of scissors. It took a long time for her to get me out though." I threw the third wad of tissues away, grabbing a single tissue to wipe at my nose with. The bleeding had stopped, but my nose was still throbbing.

"Well Demyx, a fear of string is not a healthy thing. We will need to get rid of this irrational fear as soon as possible." A sinking feeling of dread starting to spread across my stomach.

"Why? Why can't I just avoid string? It's not that hard, I've been doing it my whole life."

"If we can cure you of this phobia, it will help your process of returning to a normal life." I scrunched my nose in disgust.

"Do you want to cure my other phobia my dad forgot to mention too?" Dr. Reynolds sat up straighter.

"What other phobia is this?" He picked up his pen, poised and ready to write down what I was about to say.

"Papophobia. The fear of the Pope." A smile spread across my face. I ducked my head to cover up my giggling.

"The fear of the Pope?" He raised a doubtful eyebrow. I could tell he knew I was lying, mostly. I didn't have a phobia of the Pope, but he wasn't on my to meet list.

* * *

"When you said that you were going to give me something to 'keep me occupied', I didn't think you meant cleaning." I pouted and swirled the mop around in the steamy dirty water.

"It's just mopping Demyx." Elaine shook her head and smiled, her springy brown hair bouncing around her shoulders.

"Just mopping? Just mopping? I could be doing something more worthwhile right now! Something more exciting and entertaining and more……epic. I could be doing something more epic." I picked the mop up and sloshed it deep into the water. I wrung it out some and let it plop onto the floor. Little puddles spread quickly around my mop. Elaine sighed and shook her head at me again.

"Just try to be a little neater with it and not get puddles of water everywhere. It will be over before you know it." She walked briskly down the hallway towards the cleaning supply closet. I pouted down at the bucket and mop.

"Stupid mop." I muttered at it underneath my breath. After a few long, boring strokes across the floor of the main hallway, I couldn't take the boringness of it anymore. I took a firm grip on the handle of the mop and tried to slide gracefully across the floor with it. It didn't work, and all I managed to do was lose my balance and fall to my hands and knees. I stared down at the shiny floor in distaste. It was shiny; it didn't need mopped at all. I hauled myself up from the floor and picked up the mop again, returning to boring side to side strokes across the floor.

"Demyx? What are you doing?" I looked up from the already too clean floor to discover Axel standing next to the yellow bucket, looking at me with one eyebrow raised.

"Mopping. Dr. Reynolds wanted to give me something to keep me 'busy'." I moved farther down the hallway, dragging the mop behind me.

Axel laughed. "Have fun with that." I sighed and put the mop back into the water.

"What are you doing down here at this time anyway?" I quickened the strokes of the mop, hoping to get done faster.

"I had a late appointment with Dunbar." Axel watched me, a look of boredom on his face. "Well anyway, have….fun mopping. When you get done the rest of us will be in my room." With that he left me standing alone again in the hallway. I watched him saunter passed the elevator and up the staircase, like always.

I watched the floor become wet with every back and forth movement of the mop, eager to get done. I worked my way as quickly as I could down the hallway, my stroke with the mop getting sloppier and sloppier the closer I got to being finished. When I finally reached the end of the hallway I slid my way back to the janitor's closet and dumped the yellow bucket of dirty water into the slab of concrete that held a drain. I hung the mop up just like Elaine had showed me before I left, taking the elevator to Axel's floor before anyone could catch me and ask me what I was doing.

* * *

"About time you showed up." Larxene commented from her spot in the desk chair as I came crashing through the door to Axel's room. Our little group that had started out as just Axel, Marluxia and I had grown with the addition of Zexion, Larxene, and Roxas. Roxas was lying on Axel's bed, his eyes half way closed from the exhaustion of being sick.

"When did you get out?" I asked him as I flopped down in the middle of the floor.

"A couple of hours ago." Roxas mumbled into Axel's pillow. He sighed and hugged the pillow closer to him. He was taking up most of the bed but Axel didn't seem to mind for once. I noticed Zexion's eyes flick over to me quickly before he looked away again. Secretly I smiled. Zexion wasn't sure or not if he was gay. I did, I could tell. It was slowly becoming obvious that I was the main reason Zexion was wondering this. The thought made my heart flutter. I liked Zexion. Sure I hadn't known him for very long, but he was cute, in that quiet not exactly emo way.

"This is boring. I say we do something else." Larxene twirled one of her antennae around her finger, looking at each of us in turn. Her eyes slid over me and I focused my eyes away from hers. Honestly, Larxene kind of freaked me out. There was just something about her eyes, I think. Or her smile. Or the way she laughed. Or just her in general. I glanced up at Roxas on the bed. He flinched slightly and buried his head back into Axel's pillow. At least I wasn't the only one that was freaked out by her.

"And what would you suggest? We are in the middle of a mental hospital that's laden down with cameras around every corner." Axel snorted and leaned back against the wall next to his window.

"I don't know, I'm trying to figure that out." I could have sworn she muttered "bastard" under her breath.

"Trust me; Demyx did the most exciting thing today by mopping the floor." Axel replied, a slight edge on his voice.

"Why were you mopping the floor?" Zexion looked up at me from across the room. Our eyes connected and after a moment he shifted his eyes back down.

"Because Dr. Reynolds wanted to give me something to keep me occupied for awhile. It was insanely boring and I'd rather not talk about it." I sniffed; trying to look like mopping the floor had traumatized me. Axel raised a slim eyebrow at me, but didn't reply.

"Yea yea let's move on already." Larxene huffed and drummed her fingers on the desk top, glancing up at the clock resting on the top shelf. I crinkled my nose at her impatience. I hated when people didn't have an ounce of patience and were always go! Go! Go! all the time. I watched Marluxia study her from across the room. The way he was watching her reminded me of a curious rabbit watching a group of people walk down the street, but keeping its distance. It was obvious that Larxene was intriguing to him.

"Move on to what? At least we had a conversation going. It's more than what was going on before." Zexion looked up and locked eyes with her, never letting his eyes drop or blink until she looked away first. Even if Zexion was quieter than most of us, at least he would speak up when he wanted to and didn't let others intimidate him.

"Well what do you want to do?" Larxene huffed and tried to beat Zexion in a glaring contest again. She lost.

"Everyone has told you a million times already. What do you expect there is to do in the midst of a mental hospital?" Axel sighed and rolled his eyes up to the ceiling. I watched him mouth the word _why_ and had to stifle my laughing into my shirt sleeve.

"Fine. I think I'm going to go back to my room anyway. You guys are boring, and here I was thinking that a guy with red spiky hair and a flamboyant pink hair would actually be worth my time." She stood up from the desk chair and turned her back on us. Marluxia's eyes narrowed. He was kind of uptight about people thinking they could make fun of him just because of his hair color. I half expected him to stand up and shove Larxene into a wall, but he didn't move an inch from his spot on the floor near the foot of the bed.

Larxene left in a flurry, slamming the door shut loudly behind her. Roxas sighed "At least that's over." He sat up enough so that he could look out the window at the street below.

"I really dislike spending much time with that girl." Zexion muttered, staring at the spot that Larxene had recently vacated.

"Me too. I say that we vote her off of the island." I smiled, pleased when everyone else in the room at least smiled a little.

"Or take her in the back alley and shoot her." Axel pretended to pick up a shotgun and reached out with his other hand to pet the air. "That's a good girl Larxy. No, no, hush now. This isn't easy on us either. But the brutal truth is that your rabies are a threat to the rest of the world and we have to put you down. But I'm a good shot and you won't even realize that you're dead." He shouldered the imaginary gun and pretended to shoot it, complete with sound effects and falling over backward as if the discharge of the fake shotgun had knocked him over.

Marluxia scoffed and raised an eyebrow at Axel. "You can dream Axel." He flipped a few loose strands of hair out of his eyes. Axel sighed and sat back up.

"Unfortunately Mr. Flower Petals is right. I don't have a gun and have no way of getting one." His eyes quickly scanned the room and fell on the little drawer in the bedside table. His eyes lit up. "But I do have these." He bounded over to the drawer, nearly taking out Zexion in the process. Zexion ducked his head and grumbled something as he scooted away to a safer place. He crawled towards me and sat back down, close but not too close.

Axel pulled his hand out of the drawer and waved a little box around in the air. I followed the little box, trying to figure out what it was. Marluxia figured it out before I did. "Where the hell did you get matches from?" He hissed.

"The janitor's closet across the hallway from the dining room. They use them on Christmas and stuff when they light those candles and put them in really high places." Axel shrugged as if it was nothing. "I got them after I stopped to talk to Demyx earlier." He ran his fingers over the little box as if it was his prized possession.

"If they catch you with those you'll never be seen again!" I whispered, glancing over at the door. "They'll put you in isolation!"

"If they find them, and trust me they won't." He tossed the little box from one hand to the other. "I have tons of hiding places that their little searches haven't been able to pick out yet." He took out one of the matches and lit it on the side of the box. Axel let it burn down until it touched his fingertips before he blew it out, a little tendril of smoke rising and making its way towards the ceiling. Roxas, who was closest to Axel, inhaled the smoke through his nose and coughed, burying his head into the pillow.

"Lighting a match in here isn't going to help you any. It's going to smell like smoke for hours now, and the window doesn't open far enough to get rid of the smell quickly." Zexion added, watching the tendril of smoke lose shape as it started to dissipate around the little room.

"Eh I'll find a way to get rid of it then. But I _love _that smell. Don't you? It's so relaxing and yet…arousing at the same time. Depending on the situation." I noticed his eyes flicker towards Roxas for a second.

"Pyro." Marluxia muttered, waving his hand in front of the face to clear some of the smoke away from him. Axel lit another match, waiting even longer this time to blow it out. My eyes started to water a little.

Axel took out a third and lighted it too. "Stop!" I stood up and bounded across the room and snatched up the match. I opened the window the couple of inches that could open and threw it out into the night. It was a bright little spot for a brief second before the wind blew it out and it tumbled down into the street below.

"What did you do that for?" Axel cried, staring out the window after the long gone match.

"We are all going to smell like smoke now and you are just making it heavier and heavier in this room!" I flung myself off the bed and headed towards the door. "I'm going to go take a shower. I can't stand smelling like smoke." Marluxia stood up too, Zexion not far behind him.

"Not all of us are pyromaniacs like you Axel." Zexion muttered. I opened the door, the fresh cool air of the hallway made me shiver, but instantly I felt better.

"I guess I'll see you at breakfast. I need to go drown underneath a shower so I don't smell like a barbeque blew up." Marluxia and Zexion followed me out the door. Roxas, however, stayed.

* * *

"Demyx, wait here for your mother." Dr. Dunbar flipped through a couple of papers on his clipboard. "She will be here in a few minutes." He left, leaving me alone in the tiny room. It was Tuesday, one of the visiting days. My mother usually came on Fridays after she got off work, and occasionally my father would come too. But neither of them had ever come on a Tuesday. I got to change into my real clothes instead of the sweatpants and simple shirts they required us to wear. I slid my hands over my smooth black pants, enjoying the feel of them. The visiting rooms were nothing special. Just a couple of chairs and a table. Some of them had couches in them. On this Tuesday I had been put in one of the ones with a couch.

"Hi honey." The door creaked open and my mom entered, dressed in one of her many business suits that she wore to work. She crossed the room and enveloped me in her arms, her perfume that smelled like overpowering lilacs filling my nose. She hugged me for a long time, too long. Deep down in the pit of my stomach I started to worry. Something was wrong. I could tell.

"How have you been?" She had finally let go and was smiling at me. Her eyes were sad though.

"Pretty good." I studied her with my eyes, trying to figure out what was wrong.

"Good, I'm glad to hear that. What have you been up to?" I tilted my head slightly to the side, confused.

"The normal stuff I guess. Food, meetings, lying on my bed bored out of my mind." What did she think I did day in and day out? Every day was pretty much the same as the last here. "How have things at home been?" My heart dropped as soon as the question left my mouth. Mom's smile disappeared, her eyes dropping to the ground.

"Well honey that's why I'm here. I've put off telling you this for a couple of days now; I just haven't found the right way to tell you. But I guess I'm going to come right out and say it." She took a couple of deep breathes and took one of my hands between both of hers. She raised her eyes reluctantly to meet mine again. "You're father and I haven't had the best of times these past few months. You know how he goes on business trips all the time? Well, on one of them he met another woman, and he has decided to possibly pursue a relationship with her. But it's been decided that we are going to get a divorce." She sniffed and lowered her eyes again.

"What?" I sat rigid with shock and disbelief. My parents couldn't split up. We had too much planned, vacations, buying a new house. My family was my rock, it always had been. I had been through a lot of stuff, and I always knew there was going to be more to come like failing an important test or having my heart broken again. But my family was the one thing I had counted on to always be there, and to always be the same.

"Demyx I know this isn't easy for you to hear. But you needed to know. I kept this from you as long as I possible could, but I couldn't stand keeping it from you anymore." She brought one of her hands up to cup the side of my face. My eyes had started to tear up as what she said finally started to sink in. "You're father has moved to a hotel temporarily until he finds a place of his own. He wanted to come with me today to tell you but he was busy with work. But when you come home, we will still be living in the same house." I closed my eyes and looked away from her.

"But you have to be together, I can't be a divorce kid! I need you together! How am I supposed to go to that college I wanted to? I know I can get in there mom I know I can! I got invited to apply there! You can't go there unless you get invited!" Of all the things running through my mind the only one I could talk about was college. Both of my parents had been excited when I had come home with the invitation letter to one of the highest ranked musical schools. But being on only my mom's salary, there was no way I could go there now.

"Your father will still help pay for you to go to college Demyx, that's not going to change." I started to cry and pulled away from her hand on my face. "Oh Demyx please I know this is hard, but you have to understand. Your father doesn't love me anymore, but he's not going to abandon you!" I scooted to the farthest end of the couch and buried my face in my hands.

"Baby…" She followed me across the couch, reaching her hand out to comfort me. Dr. Dunbar opened the door right before she could make contact with me.

"I'm sorry to interrupt you but we have several visitors today and we need this room for another group." He ran his eyes over my Mom's worried expression and my tearful gaze. "Everything ok?" He stepped into the room, drilling me with his eyes.

"No!" I stood up and rushed passed him and out the open door. I pushed my way blindly through the crowded hallway and up the several flights of stairs to my room. I flung myself across my bed, burying my head in the pillow. Of all the things to go wrong in my life...I don't know how long I lay there, it felt like forever. Clouds started to form and cross over the sun. A couple of hours later it had started to rain.

"Demyx?" Someone was shaking my shoulder gently. I sniffed and turned my head around and found a pair of bright green eyes staring at me.

"Myde? What are you doing here? I thought you were away." I had run out of tears about an hour earlier, but my nose was still running like hell.

"I was. But I have special 'Demyx is in trouble/depressed' senses." He forced me to make eye contact with him. "You can't say you didn't see this coming. Your dad started going on a lot of random business trips that didn't make sense."

"How do you already know that my parents are splitting up?" I stared at him questioningly.

"I told you. I have special Demyx senses that tell me what's going on in your life, even when I'm not here." He smiled slightly. "It's a guardian angel thing."

"Myde, you're not a guardian angel or even an angel at all." I glanced at the clock. It was almost five. I had been in my room for three hours.

He shrugged my comment off. "I could be, you just wouldn't know." He paused before changing the subject back to me. "You'll get through this, I promise. Besides I know that deep down you never really liked your father that much."

"I do too! He's my dad Myde, how could you say that!" I didn't mean to yell at him, I knew he was just trying to help and pull me out of a difficult situation, like he usually had to do.

"Alright, alright. But even if that's true, you know that you like your mother more." I started to snap back at him, but stopped myself. He was right. I had always liked my mother more. She had always been there, and had even canceled business trips of her own if I really needed her at home. My father had never canceled anything for me.

"Even if that's true, I still don't like it." I sniffed and looked down at the floor. Five seconds later Myde had put his arms around me.

"I know you don't, but this will pass. Your mom is a strong person and she's going to be stronger now more than ever, for both of your sakes." I shook my head in uncertainty.

"I don't know. Divorce of someone you've been married to for twenty-four years can't be that easy. Especially since he's trading you in for some whore on a street corner." Myde sighed again and ran his hand through my hair.

"You know that this woman probably isn't a whore, or a prostitute or a stripper. You're just angry at her and your father."

"Of course I am. She's a family wrecker, as if I didn't already have enough problems."

"Then tell your dad you never want to meet her, but your mom is right; don't shut him out of your life."

I sighed, closing my eyes and leaning back against his touch. "I know, but I don't want this to happen. My family is my anchor Myde, you know that."

He was silent for a minute. "Than find a new anchor if you need one. You're Organization seems like a good anchor for you right now."

"Maybe, but we aren't all going to be together forever, and not everyone exactly gets along with each other all the time." I had stopped crying and broke away from Myde long enough to rummage around for a tissue.

"But right now would probably be a good time to focus more on them than on your family." He glanced up at the clock. "Damn! Demyx, I have to be somewhere, but only if you are ok. If you're not than I can stay here."

"It's ok Myde, I know that you have places to be." He smiled at me and gave me another quick hug before he left, leaving me alone again.

* * *

About half an hour after Myde left my tears and emotions recuperated and started to come back. As much as I hated crying around other people, especially others in the Organization because most of them were physically and mentally strong and could keep their emotions in check, I didn't want to be alone. I ran through the options in my mind before I left my room and quickly went down the stairs to the floor below. I stood outside of Zexion's door, tears already making tracks down my face. I knocked softly at first. When he didn't appear I knocked louder, fearing that my only friend I could go to right now was gone.

Zexion finally opened the door, looking out at me from the half light of his room. He kept it as dark as possible because he said too much of the bright yellow gave him a headache. He looked slightly alarmed at me crying in front of his door.

"Demyx? What's wrong?" He opened the door wider and stepped back, his way of inviting me inside. As soon as I got inside the door I collapsed on him, burying my head in his shoulder. Instantly he became rigid, but after a few minutes he relaxed and gently put his arms around me.

"Why are you crying?" He led me carefully to his neatly made bed and made me sit down. I kept sobbing into his shoulder, unable to reply. He kept his arms around me and didn't ask me again until I had finally started to calm down.

"My parents are getting a divorce." I mumbled into his shirt, taking a shaky breath.

"Why?" His voice was gentle, encouraging me to continue on. Soon I found myself telling him the entire story, from when I started to notice things about three years ago all the way up to three hours ago. I listened to me the entire time, not interrupting me once. He comforted me much in the same way that Myde had before, but somehow it was different coming from Zexion. We had a…connection that I couldn't quite explain. But whatever it was, I liked it and attached to it and the fact that someone was there to comfort me and listen.

* * *

Two days later I sat down at our usual table for dinner, feeling a lot better than I had before. Myde had come to see me everyday since and had spent a lot of time with me, talking about my parents and other things. I didn't realize how much I had missed him when he had been gone so much lately. I had talked to Zexion too, which despite his outer appearance giving him the vibe that he was quiet was quite worthwhile. He knew when to keep pushing a subject and when to let it drop.

So on this Thursday night, I wasn't expecting anything unusual that is until I sat down at the table. The first thing I noticed was that Zexion was staring straight down at the table, an anxious vibe around him. Saix obviously had noticed it too. He kept looking over at Zexion with a curious look on his face. After about ten minutes Zexion stood up and came to stand behind me.

"Demyx, can I talk to you?" I looked up at him, puzzled.

"Yea, sure." I stood up and followed him a couple of yards away from the table. I heard Axel sigh and say "Oh no." My heart started to sink. Axel (and Marluxia) knew how many people I had turned down in my life. I simply didn't want to have a relationship right now, and I hadn't for the past two or so years. But that couldn't be what Zexion wanted, could it?

He took a deep breath and started to talk fast. "Demyx, I've learned a lot about you in the past couple of days and I would be lying if I said I didn't feel something for you. I have since I first met you but this past week has proven to me that there is something there and…" He paused to take a breath. My heart sank lower and lower. I had to disappoint Zexion, my emotional comfort.

"Zexion…" I cut him off before he could start talking again. "I know what you're saying; I'd be lying if I said that I didn't feel a…connection either. But I can't have a relationship with you." I could almost literally feel the air around us change.

"At least not right now; I just haven't been with someone in a long time, and I'm not sure I'm ready to, especially right now." Zexion lowered his head slowly, so his hair fell even more in front of his face.

"I understand." His voice was steady. He turned on his heel and started slowly back to the table. I watched him for a painful second before running to catch up to him and walk the rest of the distance back to the rest of the Organization with him. He sat down quietly in his seat between Lexaeus and Saix, his head still lowered so you couldn't see much of his face.

"What was that all about?" Larxene quipped, spinning a couple of spaghetti noodles around her fork. Marluxia narrowed his eyes at her, but she promptly ignored him.

"Leave it alone Larxene." Vexen fixed his icy glare on her. She smirked at him, but surprisingly didn't snap back.

The next five minutes were painful. No one at the table said anything. I kept glancing over at Zexion, but he kept his head firmly down.

"Zexion…" I started, but he cut me off.

"It's fine Demyx." His voice was still steady, but I could tell that it was fake, no matter how convincing it was.

"I'm sorry I just…" He cut me off again.

"Just leave me alone." The table fell back into silence until I couldn't take it anymore.

"But Zexion listen to me…" He was determined not to let me get a full sentence out.

"Just leave me alone!" He shoved his chair back and darted across the dining hall, one of the monitors catching sight of him and quickly running after him. I watched him go, pained by how much I had hurt him. Everyone else at the table was looking at me. No one said anything, and the air became more and more stifling.

Zexion had said that he had learned a lot about me in the past couple of days, and I guess I had learned a lot about him too. He was a good listener and a good talker, which truthfully I hadn't expected him to be because of his quiet exterior. He wasn't afraid to speak his mind or the truth, and it had seemed like he actually had cared about my problems and shown sympathy. And on top of all that he was incredibly cute. There was no denying that.

So why the hell had I told him no?

* * *

**Reviews and random pms are much appreciated and enjoyed :-)**


	5. Poison

**You all thought I was gone didn't you? One of those people who abandons their story right in the middle of it? Well I'm back. Since I've last updated, I got so stressed out with everything that writing was becoming stressful too, and that is not what I wanted it to be. Writing was supposed to be my getaway from the rest of the world, and was meant to be relaxing. Long story short I finally have gotten inspired again and writing has once again become my escape. **

**My absence was not totally wasted. I did start the beginnings of a new story, which I might put up soon considering it is now the summer and I have more time for me. I'm torn between making it all different points of view like I have done my last two projects, or doing it one person only. Help? If I did it only one person's point of view, it would be Axel...**

**Anyway...finally here is the fifth installment of Cyanide and Suicide. **

**I'm glad to be back.**

**Chapter 5**

_Poison_

_(Vexen)_

* * *

_You're mouth, so hot. You're web, I'm caught. So skin, so wet. Black lace on sweat. I hear you calling and it's needles and pins. I want to hurt you just to hear you screaming my name. Don't want to touch you but you're under my skin. I wanna kiss you but your lips are venomous poison. You're poison running through my veins. You're poison, I don't wanna break these chains --Alice Cooper_

* * *

"You're very obnoxious and revolting, you know that?" Even didn't seem stung or moved by my words at all, as usual. The annoying bastard just continued to smirk at me from across the tiny room.

"You can't deny what I'm saying forever Vexen. Some day you are going to have to be a man, no matter how womanly your hips, and own up to your emotions and feelings." I continued writing at my desk, refusing to sink to his level.

"What feelings? I might as well turn them off completely; I've seen what they do to people; nothing but a big clutter of confusion, sadness, and depression. Humph. As if I didn't have enough of that surrounding me already." I paused before adding an after thought under my breath; "Especially with you around."

"You know you love me!" I could feel Even's malicious smirk still plastered against my back. Bastard.

"No, I can't say that I do." I focused on the simple notebook in front of me. It was one of those annoying non spiral ones because they couldn't allow a little irrelevant piece of metal in these walls. Even though I was allowed the notebook I still had to filch a pen from Dr. Reynolds's desk a few days earlier when he had gotten distracted by someone having an emotional breakdown in the hallway.

"Fine, even if you deny your love towards me, I know you can't deny your love towards that boy." That did it; he had finally hit a nerve. I slammed the pen down on my desk and spun around sharply to face him. He was sitting in his usual spot on the bed, right where the sun shone through and made a warm streak across the bedspread. It irritated me how he _always _sat in that same spot every day, practically basking in the sunlight as if he were a large pale cat even though it was currently very late at night and the spot was as cold as the rest of the bed. His hair, though shorter than mine but still long, was pulled back in its usual low ponytail, with the same black hair tie he used every single day. Everything about him; his hair, his clothes, the way he held himself, was bothering me today.

"Could you just leave me alone for once in your wretched life? You are not helping anything!" All he did was smile at me and tuck a loose piece of hair behind his ear.

"Now why would I want to do that? I'm the reason you are here in the first place; it would be pointless for me to leave you alone now. Besides, you need me." He slid his hair tie out of his hair so he could return the runaway lock of hair to its rightful place with the rest of his hair like the damned perfectionist that he was. Yes, I was a bit of a perfectionist myself, but he was worse. _Much _worse.

"Why would I need something as feeble and inadequate as you?" I snarled back at him, biting back the urge to get up and leave the room, though I doubted where I could go at this time night. I glanced quickly at the clock. Two thirty seven in the morning. Damn insomnia.

"He's the reason you can't sleep at night, isn't he?" Even said smoothly, as if he had read my mind.

"No the reason I can't sleep at night is because of you." With nothing else to do I threw the pen at his head. I missed.

"Tsk, tsk. Such anger. And I know exactly where this anger comes from." He raised a slim eyebrow at me, waiting for me to ponder out loud.

"And where exactly does this anger come from?" Might as well please him, maybe he would get bored and finally leave.

"Your inability to be loved by the one whom you love." I kept my stare even with his to show him I was serious.

"He is an insolent little boy and he means nothing to me. He is also incredibly annoying with his slight ego problem and how he thinks he knows everything. I'm starting to favor Axel over him." Even laughed and smiled at me as if I was a five year old who had just told him that the world was triangular shaped.

"You pick _Axel _over him? Never. I could never even imagine that. Face it ice princess, that boy has wormed his way into your mind and has won your affection." He smoothed out a corner of the bedspread he had wrinkled slightly with his laughter.

"Affection and compassion toward another are ignorant and asinine. I would never sink to that level." It wasn't probable or even possible.

"What is it about him hmm? His deep It's-possible-I-love-you-more-than-myself blue eyes? His hourglass figure? His luscious magenta hair?" Even placed his chin in his hand, trying to look interested and sensitive.

"Shut up."

"Ah so I'm right, in every aspect." After a minute of silence I stood and walked over to the bed, shoving him out of the way and dropping down on top of it.

"I'm going to bed."

"So I'm right."

"Go away Even; I don't want to talk to you."

"Just admit that I'm right and I'll leave."

"…." I turned away from him and faced the wall, determinedly closing my eyes. I could feel his smirk again.

"I'll take that as a 'yes Even, you hit it right on the nail.' See ya tomorrow." The room fell silent. I turned over, relieved that the room was now void except for myself. I hated how he showed up to torture and mimic me every single day at one point or another. No one else's alter ego did that. Some of them didn't even come around for days at a time.

Why couldn't Even be like that?

* * *

Emotions, feelings, love. They were all pointless. All they did was cut deep into a person's soul, bleeding them dry from the insides out as they became lost, feeling as if their life was over. To me, emotions were pointless. They brought nothing good, especially intimate ones. It would be much simple to shut off the feelings, cut off all emotional ties to the heart. The heart was another pointless thing; an organ just there to pump blood back and forth. It wasn't meant to hold a burden of ludicrous things like love. There were better things anyone could do with their time.

I tried to explain this to Zexion, the practically one eyed kid who had a brilliant mind that surprised even me at first. Upon first meeting him, one wouldn't expect him to be smart, none the less brilliant with his one eyed gaze and sometimes quiet demeanor. But after getting to understand him better, it was easy to see that when he was hushed and tranquil, he was studying those around him, analyzing their behaviors and attitudes, figuring out what made them tick. Was Zexion my favorite person in the world? No. But did he intrigue me from time to time? Yes.

"You're a strange man Vexen." Was all he said to me after I gave him my long speech about idiotic emotions and feelings one afternoon a few days after Demyx rejected him.

"Why is that? I'm giving you my honest opinion on your current situation, which is inane might I add." Zexion just gazed at me through his one visible eye. I could feel him trying to analyze me.

"I can tell from your outlook on life that emotions haven't treated you well." He paused, blinking once. "Or maybe you haven't treated them well."

"I don't understand what your point is. Not everyone is happy and optimistic all the time, and you certainly aren't one to be talking like that." I narrowed my eyes at the boy, wondering silently what he was getting at.

"That's true; there are those in life who have been treated better than me in the way of emotions. But that doesn't mean I haven't felt them before. Good or bad emotions are going to be there, whether you want them to be or not. You have to accept them."

"And how exactly did you accept your emotions by attempting suicide?" Zexion only tilted his head slightly to one side, as if all this emotion talk was amusing to him.

"I wasn't dealing with things in my life very well. As I recall being told you also attempted suicide, which meant you were feeling depression, miserable ness, bad emotions but emotions none the less. But even if I'm not the happiest person, I still accept emotions. Why don't you? What have emotions done to you so much that you want to find a way to turn them off completely?"

"That is a totally different subject that what we are talking about."

"No it's not. You came here to talk me out of my feelings for Demyx, and you started going on about how emotions were pointless. You wouldn't have said any of it if you didn't have something against them. So tell me, why do you shun your emotions in such a way?" Zexion stared at me with his piercing eyes again.

"How did this conversation turn towards me?" I asked him, trying to avoid the question.

"I want to know."

"Know what?"

"Why you think emotions are asinine."

"Why?"

"Because I want to understand you better."

"Why?"

"Because you are intriguing. There are only a few people I have yet to figure out, and you are one of them. I haven't been able to figure out why you are so opinionated and why you are so ice cold. There is just one factor that I'm missing." Zexion tilted his head again, looking like a curious puppy that just discovered a dead bird.

"There isn't much to me Zexion. You, of all people, I would have thought would have understood that from the start. I like complicated things and figuring them out. I like having my own freedom and being alone. I don't like annoying questions, especially ones that have obvious answers, and people trying to defy me just to see what I'll do." He didn't seem convinced, if not even more interested. I decided to try and change the subject. "Who else haven't you been able to figure out?"

"Just a few."

"Like who?" The back and forth short sentence conversation was starting to grate on my nerves.

"Demyx, for one. I thought I had figured him out, but I haven't. Besides you and him everyone else has been pretty easy to figure out. Well besides…" He let his voice trail off, waiting to see if I would implore for him to continue.

"Besides who?"

"Marluxia." I felt my stomach clench as he continued, studying me carefully. "I can't figure everything out about him and how all his pieces fit together like I have everyone else. He is slightly egotistical, and I know that he like to be in control of things in his life, but when it comes to him and Saix…" I shifted my position, uncomfortable with the conversation. I didn't think that Zexion would catch the slight movement, but he did.

"That's it, isn't it? You have feelings for Marluxia, but you don't wan to admit it because you are against having such feelings." His one visible eye lit up. "That's it."

"Marluxia. That's the last piece to scrutinizing you and what you are." He seemed pleased, as if he had just fulfilled in completing a difficult task.

"I have no such feelings towards such a conceited being. Out of all of you, Marluxia is not on my favorites list, or even at the top of my hate list." I couldn't fool him, like I could almost everyone else I had ever come across.

"Yes you do. It's apparent, and it all makes sense now." I scoffed at him and turned away. "You have no idea what you are talking about Zexion. You are simply an adolescent who has a lot to learn about the world and life before he can make such accusations." I stood up, prepared to leave the lounge where we had been sitting.

"Vexen wait." I halted, turning slowly to face him, keeping myself pointed towards the door to indicate that I was done talking to him.

"Tell him." I turned to face him fully, trying to keep my voice down so the other people in the room wouldn't hear.

"What?"

"Just tell him. You might not be so bitter and such an ice queen if you did. You never know." I crossed the room and sat back down next to him on the battered old couch.

"Look who this is coming from, Mr. Rejected." Zexion's eyes flicked something unreadable for a fraction of a second.

"Yes, I got rejected, but I told him how I feel and that itself lifted some burden that I didn't even know I had been carrying until it was gone. Admitting your feelings to Marluxia might end your feud with feelings and intimacy." The look in his eyes was unreadable still.

"I have no idea what you are talking about Zexion. I have no such feelings towards Marluxia."

"You do, you are just afraid to admit them out loud or to yourself." I opened my mouth to retort again, but stopped.

"I won't say anything to anyone Vexen, not even Ienzo, because this is your problem and what you must deal with." I stared at him blankly for a moment before standing up again.

"Good bye Zexion." I said voice clipped and even. I turned towards the door and started to leave for a second time.

"Just think about what I said Vexen, just think about it." He called after me. I didn't turn back to him again this time, telling one of the monitors where I was going before he permitted me to leave the room and Zexion behind.

* * *

Despite my greatest efforts, I couldn't stop thinking about what Zexion had said. I lay in bed that night, staring up at the ceiling and thinking heavily on his words. Even had been there earlier, already aware of Zexion and I's conversation. He had ridiculed me about it, until he started saying that he agreed with Zexion and that I should say something to Marluxia. He also said Lumaria agreed, whoever that was.

But that was the thing, I didn't want to. I didn't like Marluxia, in an intimate way or in any way for that matter. Why should I lie to him and myself just to see if my view on emotions would change?

I didn't like him.

I didn't like him in any way.

In fact, I despised him.

I despised everything about him.

Especially him and Saix.

My eyes flew open and I stared up at the ceiling again. If I didn't like Marluxia, than I should have cared less about him and Saix. I wouldn't despise it, simply because I didn't care and would focus on more important things.

But I couldn't like Marluxia. It wasn't possible. He and I were almost complete opposites, and sometimes even his presence was enough to make the blood vessels constrict my brain and give me a migraine. True, he wasn't as loud and obnoxious as say maybe Axel or Demyx, and he did have some form of a brain, but that didn't make him none the less annoying. I couldn't stand his aura sometimes, and he said the same thing about me.

I couldn't like Marluxia. I didn't. I wouldn't allow it. I was only interested in one thing: getting out of here as soon as possible and leaving all this ignorant fools behind. It all came back to having feelings for someone; they were pointless and just got in the way of more important things. After I left here I wouldn't see or hear from Marluxia again.

I felt my stomach clench at the thought, making me sigh in annoyance as I turned the thoughts over in my mind. Maybe…maybe sometimes I _did _like his presence, even if he was incredibly irritating and was a huge distraction. There was just something else about him that kept drawing me back to him, even though more than once we had gotten in arguments for no apparent reason at all, just simply to argue.

And he did seem to seek me out on purpose sometimes, even though I had never realized it before. Even after he started his thing with Saix, there had still been times he came to seek me out, even if it was for a good argument about something ludicrous.

What the hell was I thinking? Marluxia was an ignorant fool, not worth my time and certainly not worth my affection.

The whole situation was utterly pointless.

And yet…I couldn't let it go. I couldn't get Marluxia to leave my thoughts and I certainly couldn't fall asleep. Damn insomnia.

Two hours later at exactly 1:56 A.M I came to a conclusion. I did like Marluxia, no matter how painful it was to admit it to myself. Damn it and him all to hell, but I did no matter how much denying I did to myself and others. The only other two who had taken apparent notice to my knowledge were Even and Zexion. But just because I had finally admitted this to myself, it didn't mean I was about to go telling him.

That would just make it worse.

* * *

"No! Not Again!" Demyx cried as half of the house made of cars he was attempting to build toppled over. Again. I was sitting across from him at the small card table in the lounge, watching him silently to make sure he didn't somehow cut his arm off. Mumbling under his breath he angrily snatched up the cards that had fallen to the floor. Lexaeus, Luxord, and (much to my displeasure, even though I tried to deny it) Saix had all seated themselves at the remaining chairs around the table, watching Demyx's dilemma.

"Don't get in such a rush." Luxord commented, eyeing Demyx as he attempted to rebuild quickly. "That's the reason it keeps falling in the first place."

"But it's so much faster this way." Demyx practically pouted while he reset up a corner of his house again.

"But if you go painfully slow, it won't fall down which would actually be faster than having to constantly rebuild it." Lexaeus added. Demyx sighed before taking a deep breath, carefully reconstructing a wall. He took his hands away slowly, centimeter by centimeter until he got far enough away to put them down. The card house didn't fall.

"Yay!" Demyx cheered, throwing his arms up in the air in a sort of mini happy dance. The other three around me smiled. Even though he could be incredibly annoying, it was hard to be apathetic towards him at times.

"Thank you!" Demyx had scrambled around to the other side of the table and thrown his arms around Lexaeus' broad shoulders. Lexaeus sighed, rubbing at his forehead as if he had a migraine.

"Please don't touch me Demyx. You know how I don't like to be touched." Saix childishly rolled his eyes at Lexaeus' comment. Smug bastard. Lexaeus didn't notice his reaction. I was silently hoping that he would have.

"Sorry Lexy." Demyx slunk back to his side of the table happily plopping back down in his seat and picking up another group of cards.

"Hey did you finally get it?" Xigbar wandered up, bringing an extra chair with him and planting himself between Saix and me. I didn't mind the extra body between us.

"Yes! But now I have to go on to the next level. I'm almost done with it." Demyx hummed happily to himself as he carefully picked up a few more cards to add to his slowly growing card mansion.

"Be careful." Saix warned, placing his chin in his hand. His line of vision was going beyond Demyx and his wobbly house. I followed his gaze to find it planted on Marluxia, who was sitting on the couch near the far wall. I looked away just as Xemnas wandered up to stand silently behind Xigbar's chair, he too now watching Demyx. It amazed me how Demyx could somehow draw everyone to him without even trying no matter what he was doing. I had no doubt in my mind that eventually every Organization member present in the room would be around the table before he was finished.

"I will." Demyx took another deep breath and held it, before moving painfully slow again to place a couple of cards in a perfect pyramid on one of the multi tier corners. By now Xaldin and Roxas had moved to stand next to Xemnas. Axel was looking over, before spotting Roxas and coming to stand next to him. Marluxia, I couldn't help to notice, was still sitting on the edge of the couch, watching Larxene talk animatedly with large hand gestures. Her laugh floated across the room.

"Just a few more left…" Demyx muttered to himself, apparently oblivious to his growing audience. By now even Zexion had come over. Demyx slowly set the cards down, pulling his hands away as slowly as humanly possible. As soon as he deemed it safe it let out the breath he had been holding.

"Ha! I did it!" Demyx shoved his chair back, dancing around in a small circle around that.

"We're all so very proud of you Demyx." Xigbar said. I couldn't figure out if he was being sarcastic or if he actually meant it for once.

"Yes, it's probably the biggest one you've ever built." The velvety smooth voice from behind me caught me off guard. I glanced over quickly at the couch. It was empty. I turned my head just in time to see Larxene disappear through the door.

Demyx had started smiling proudly, looking down at his card house. I thought about breaking the news to him that he couldn't leave his precious creation sitting on that table forever. The monitors would take it down; paranoid that someone would sneak in here in the dead of night and attempt to slit their throat with a card. They had already been watching him closely this entire time.

The circle around the table had loosened some, certain members moving to stand next to the few others that they liked. Saix and Marluxia were standing on the other side of the table. Saix had his arm wrapped around Marluxia's torso. Marluxia was whispering something that seemed to be seductive in his ear. As I watched, face beginning to heat up, Saix moved his free hand to rest on Marluxia's hip. I could have sworn that Saix had snuck a glimpse at me through the corner of his eye, measuring my reaction.

I'd had enough.

I didn't even bother to hide the fact that I was severely angry. I shoved the chair back, spinning around on to take my leave. Unfortunately it didn't happen like it was supposed to. Axel moved into my line of fire right at the most inopportune moment. I slammed into his side, sending him into the corner of the table. He set his hands down on it to balance himself. He did, but Demyx's fragile card house came down in the process. The cards scattered across the table and the floor. Every wall collapsed.

I didn't stick around to see what would happen. I heard Demyx cry out in horror and a "Axel how could you!" as I rounded the corner of the door.

"Everything okay in there?" The two lounge monitors were standing outside of the door, talking to another worker. Of course they hadn't seen Saix and Marluxia's highly public display of affection, or the destroying of Demyx's card house.

"Peachy." I left them to discover the mess inside the tiny, cramped space I was starting to despise.

* * *

"Why are you here again?" I had my back to him, like I had the entire time since he had breezed in through my door. I could feel his presence and his eyes boring into my back like a branding iron. How I detested him!

"We're 'bonding' remember?" He sniffed indignantly, as if I vexed him as much as he did me.

"Well go bond with someone else; I'm tired of you suffocating my personal air." I stared determinedly out the window at the hazy street below, watching the late night traffic dart by in regular intervals, the spaces in between the steady stream caused by the stop light a block away. I had spent enough time looking out the window tonight that I almost had the timing of the stop light down perfectly. I few more groups of cars and I would know the timing down to the second.

"As if I enjoy spending time with such a pompous, haughty old man." He muttered. He must have shifted his hair because a wave of floral scent swirled around my nose. "What are you looking at?" In his usual fashion he had changed the subject in a matter of seconds, shifting the focus of the "conversation" from him to me.

I dutifully ignored him again, studying the group of cars below. The stop light had to be about 37 seconds long, if you stopped at it right when it turned red.

"Anything down on that dingy old street can't be more interesting than me, can it?" I heard him cross the soft carpet until he was standing at the edge of the bed.

I scoffed. "And you have the nerve to call me pompous."

"You are pompous, dear Vexen."

"Said the supercilious heathen."

"Arrogant old fool."

"Condescending dense adolescent."

"I despise you."

"Congratulations, I despise you too."

Silence. I almost turned around to see if he was still there, but thought better of it. Of course he was still there.

After several minutes of long, unbroken silence, he uttered one single syllable. "Why?"

As if everything I loathed about him could be summed up into words. The tone he said it in set me over the edge farther than I had been before. He had not been demanding, or pleading, or even sad. The small syllable had only been laced with one emotion.

Curiosity.

Childish curiosity.

It made the anger in me boil over farther and quicker than I thought was imaginable.

"Why? You honestly have the mordacity to ask me for why I despise you?" It was too much. I finally spun around to face him. He was standing near the edge of the bed, the look on his face portraying the overwhelming curiosity that his word had stated. His head was cocked just slightly to the side, a habit he had that happened when he was thinking about something. I didn't know if he even realized that he did this asinine gesture, or how incredibly stupid he looked when he did it. It made me hate him all the more, especially with the way his pink hair framed his face, falling to rest on his shoulders, his bangs shielding random places across his face.

"Yes. Why?" He repeated the dreaded syllable, his head still tilted. I opened my mouth to let the flood of insults and list of things that I despised about him, but they wouldn't come. The gushing waterfall of words that I was dying to let loose ran into an unexpected dam, and I couldn't get around it, no matter how hard I tried.

Marluxia noticed my struggle. I waited for that all too familiar smirk to spread across his face, for his eyes to fill with all knowing glint that he always had one over me.

But for once, by some sort of miracle, it didn't come. He continued to hold my eyes, nothing but solid curiosity filling his gaze.

We stayed like that for a solid three minutes, neither of us speaking, neither of us wanting to be the first one to look away. I could see the clock on my bedside table out of the corner of my eye. Each minute that went by was longer than the last. The first one lasted hours, the second, days, and the third minute felt like a week. I tried to think of everything I hated about him, make him as unappealing as possible. But the longer he stared at me, the more appealing the imbecile became. No reminders of what made him so despicable could shake off what I really wanted to do.

I imagined myself getting up off the bed and stepping down onto the soft carpet and taking the few short steps that would take me straight to him. I could see myself reaching out wrapping both arms securely around his torso so he couldn't get away, reaching up with one hand and grabbing his hair to pull his head back and…

Quickly I shook the image away, hoping that my face hadn't betrayed what my mind was thinking. Another two minutes passed, the slowest two minutes of my entire life. Time had never passed this slowly for me before, not even on that fateful night that was the reason I had ended up here in the first place.

I was so engulfed with memories of that night, which I had rightfully deemed the last night of the rest of my now non-existent life that I didn't even realize that my body had taken over decisions and was moving without my permission. I was suddenly no longer on the bed, looking out the window. I was standing no less than a yard away from Marluxia. His curiosity had slowly morphed into confusion as I moved slowly forward closer to him. It took me only about three steps to close the distance between us. Time that had been going so slowly for the past five minutes suddenly sped up a thousand times faster. In no time at all the scenario in my head was almost complete. I was inches from him, my arms going out to wrap around him and pull him closer to me. I could stop now, there was still time. I could save myself; find a suitable insult that would have required me to get into his face to deliver.

Just like before, the insults died before they could reach the end of my tongue. Before I knew what happened I had pulled Marluxia up against me. One hand was tangled in his hair, pulling his head back. This was where I had shaken off the scenario in my head. I couldn't do that same thing now. I had maybe about half a second to do something before Marluxia pulled away.

With a dropping feeling in my stomach, I leaned forward knowing I only had one real option. I wanted to kiss him yes, but at the same time it revolted me. It was when I was inches from his lips that the insults I had been fighting to release finally spilled out. I was about to kiss him, and the part of me that disliked him wanted to even it out.

"You're the most ostentatious, egotistical, conceited bastard I've ever met in my life." The words came out as a low growl. Even I could hear the venom it was dripping. Before he could react and before I had a chance to talk myself out of it, my mouth crashed down on his.

He must have known it was coming, but he still voiced a noise of surprise. Suddenly determined I closed my eyes, leaning as farther into him. I forced back my own note of surprise when Marluxia kissed me back. Encouraged I slowly backed him up against the nearest wall, moving my hands to rest on the wall on either side of his head. He made another noise against his teeth, pulling his head back slightly to take a breath. I thought that would have been the end of it, but he moved back against me, running his tongue against my bottom lip.

Our lips connected again, eagerly this time. Marluxia pushed away from the wall, propelling us away from it. I was sure that I was hallucinating. I must have still been looking out the window at the traffic, lost in a ludicrous dream that wasn't going to happen.

He pulled away slightly again for air, sucking on my bottom lip as he pulled away. As much as he vexed me, he was a damn good kisser. Briefly Saix flashed through my mind, but I shoved him away, focusing on Marluxia and his perfect lips. I kept leaning farther and farther into him until his back was arched. A few more inches and our hips grinded together. Marluxia's breath caught deliciously in his throat for the briefest of seconds. Hell everything about him was delicious right now. All the hatred I had for him was melting away with every second. I pushed farther against him just as he arched his back to meet me. At that moment, nothing could ruin it. Pent-up emotions that I had been holding in fizzled away with my anger and hatred. Nothing could get in between us during this moment. This moment belonged to us, and only to us. Nothing could take its place.

There was a loud thud and Marluxia choked, abruptly pulling away from me. He coughed and took a strangled breath. I had leaned into him so far that we had lost balance and fallen to the floor. Marluxia had landed hard on his back, knocking the air out of him. I rolled quickly off of him.

After a few more breathes he rolled over onto his side and automatically took a hold of my eyes with his. They were the softest I had ever seen them been in the entire time I had known him. I didn't know it was possible for him to look like that.

"We shouldn't have done that." He said his voice just as soft as his eyes. A wary feeling was building up in my stomach. I had never seen this side of Marluxia before, no one had so I didn't even think it existed. The thought arose in my mind that Saix must have been the only other person to see this side of him, but I pushed it away just as quickly as I had before.

"I know." I didn't recognize my own voice. I had never talked to him before without having some sort of acid lacing my words. He continued to hold my gaze, squinting his eyes as if he was thinking deeply. Finally he sat up, stretching his arms slowly above his head. As per usual, every movement he made was laced with the utmost grace. I hated how every he could make every simple movement look like it was out of a ballet routine. He turned his head back to look at me, still lying on the floor.

"Our little secret then?" The all too familiar smirk started to spread slowly across his face. He got gracefully to his feet, shaking his hair back into place. He smiled down at me, for once not smirking in smugness, and left.

I continued to lay on the floor, my emotions battling each other for dominance. I was everything at once: happy, angry, anxious, excited, annoyed. It wasn't until the all too familiar smooth as cream voice floated across the room to me that I moved.

"Wonderful show. Very entertaining. Care to take a bow now?" I sat up to glare hatefully at Even, perched in his usual spot on the edge of the bed.

"Shut up."

"You just don't want to admit I'm right….again." A satisfied smile spread widely across his face. I lied back down on the floor, staring up at the ceiling, determined to ignore him.

"You can pretend I'm not here all you want Vexen, but that doesn't mean that I'm not right, just like I always am. You're smitten by that boy."

I greeted him with silence, waiting for him to get bored and disappear so I could have my bed back.

**Reviews are appreciated.**


	6. Falling Down

**This chapter didn't take nearly as long as the last one, thank the Lords. I really wanted to get it up before I left for Wisconsin for a week. So here it is : **

**Bakura from School helped a lot with this chapter, though she didn't know that until now : Thank you love, you are a life saver.**

**

* * *

****Chapter 6**

_Falling Down_

_(Xigbar)_

* * *

_It's in your head all the voices mistaken shake it off, shake it off .We're all dying in the end. I terrify me, images so horrible. To clear my thoughts, I drill a hole into my skull, clean up my brains, sweep them underneath the rug. I need them more than I needed any other drug. Im falling down falling down falling down. -Atreyu_

* * *

"Mmm" Demyx moaned, leaning against the window seal. The kid was practically pressed up against the glass in one of the group counseling rooms, eagerly watching tiny snowflakes fall.

"Xigbar." He turned back to look at me.

"What you need kid?" I looked over at him, but he had already turned back around, looking out of the window again. I sighed. Demyx had as much of an attention span as a soda machine.

It took about thirty seconds after I turned around again for him to realize that I wasn't paying attention to him anymore.

"Xigbar." He spun around to look at me again.

"Yes Demyx." He pushed away from the window and sat down in the chair next to me.

"Do you know what today is?" He folded his hands in his lap and looked expectantly at me. Was this some kind of trick question?

"Uh…I don't know Dem."

"It's the first of December."

"And this is important why?" Another line of people was led into the room, Xaldin being one of them. Ah how I hated group counseling. All it did was make me want to jump out a window and end my misery. Xaldin slid a chair from across the room and sat down on my other side. At least he was here to suffer with me.

"Well…what happens around here on Christmas?"

"Christmas?" Xaldin raised an eyebrow at Demyx.

"Yes, I haven't had one here yet. What happens then?" He looked at us, hopeful.

"They serve us dry turkey and poorly made stuffing for dinner." The beginnings of a pout flashed across his face.

"But that's what they gave us on Thanksgiving." Demyx cast his eyes down, all hope gone from his eyes.

"Look Demyx, we're in an insane asylum, if you've forgotten. It's not like a normal hospital where they gather everyone into dining hall and to sing carols about bells." Xaldin's voice wasn't harsh, but his words were. I expected Demyx to huff and turn away from us like he usually did when he was upset. Instead he just sat there looking down, thoughtful.

"I know but…on Christmas people usually give each other presents. Does that happen here? Or do we get to go home or something?" He looked up again, hope returned to his eyes.

"Only those who are in the last stages of their 'program' get to go home for Christmas." I said, looking around for the counselor/psychologist/person hell bent on killing me slowly. She wasn't here yet.

"Well what about giving each other presents?" I was planning on ignoring him until he caught my eyes with his. His eyes were filled with so much intensity and curiosity that I couldn't ignore him.

"Sometimes somebody's family will send them something, though it doesn't happen with everybody."

"What about each other?"

"What is there in here that you could give someone?"

"….I don't know…..Xigbar could I talk to you about something?"  
"Something other than Christmas?"

"Well something that goes along with Christmas, but I…" He was interrupted by two loud, obnoxious claps from the doorway. It was none other than the counselor/psychologist/person hell bent on killing me slowly. Demyx turned away and faced forward again, his question still burning in his eyes.

I slid slowly down in the cold metal chair, dreading the next hour that was going to go by so painfully slow. I wouldn't despise her, Ms. Shirley Kollegan (who I preferred to call Botox Queen, a name that Braig so fondly came up with), if she wasn't so hooked on the fact that everyone here wanted to spill their emotions to each other, which would be the one thing that would send us all home, happy and normal.

She was the most oblivious person I had ever seen.

What Botox Queen didn't realize is that more than half of the people that came into her group counseling room had no idea what was going on, and didn't even remember what the word emotions even meant. And the prized few of us who actually still had a few intelligent brain cells left didn't care, or want to care. We are all on a first class ticket to be eternally fucked.

"If I have to listen to one of her sermons one more time I'm going to finally, truly lose it." Xaldin muttered, lowering his head onto his arms in an effort to block out Botox Queen as best he could. I glanced over at Demyx, who had successfully lost himself to his own troubling questions in his head and was staring intently out the window at the snow again.

I was completely and utterly alone.

I tried Xaldin's method of pretending I couldn't hear her. I tried Demyx's version of getting lost in my own head and severely risking insanity. Seriously contemplating on losing my sanity was almost working, until Botox Queen's annoyingly high-pitched, scratchy, dying cat voice sliced through the wall I was building in my head between me and her.

"What about you Xigbar? How have you been doing?" She was standing no more than a yard in front of me.

"Same as always Shirley." I flashed my slightly crooked smile, hoping that it would send her on to someone else.

"Do you feel that you are improving with your therapy? That Braig is starting to become only a figment of your imagination that you can get rid of forever?" The way she tried to shove concern into her nasally-duck voice made me want to throw up all of her ugly yellow-green shoes. Before I could, a loud burst of laughter from behind me. I knew who it was without having to turn around.

"No way, I'm as real as ever baby." I could see Braig in my head, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed; smirking at Botox Queen even though she could see him.

"Sure." I leaned back against the chair, reaching out with my foot to kick the leg of his chair. He raised his head slowly, narrowing his eyes slightly when that there was a high danger of Botox Queen invading the large bubble of personal space he had. Xaldin hated when anyone got close to him without permission. His only exception was at meal times, where we were now so crowded it was near impossible to keep a personal space bubble.

"Oh come on now, BQ, you know you love me!" Braig sounded off again, his laugh echoing loudly around the almost silent.

"Not now." I turned around and mouthed almost silently at him. He was leaning against the wall, exactly like I pictured he would be.

"Aw come on Xig, I haven't been around in awhile and when I finally have time to show up for a little visit, you're at BQ time. I had to come down here." Braig smiled happily.

"Xigbar?" Botox Queen (or as Braig had decided to now call her, BQ) had shuffled a little closer to me. "Are you alright?"

I spun back reluctantly to face her again. "Yea, yea I'm fine." She studied me intensely for a moment, trying to figure out my bluff. Finally she averted her eyes to Xaldin, and moved over to him and, much to his displeasure, right into his personal space. I waited until Xaldin had successfully sent her on her way to the next person with quick, hostile answers to her questions before turning around to Braig again and motioning for him to come over to me.

"I thought you were busy doing science-y stuff with….with…..Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, Grumpy, and Doc." Braig furrowed his eyebrows at me and sighed.

"It's Xehanort, Dilan, Even, Aeleus, and Ienzo, and we are, but we decided to take a break and come to visit all of our favorite people." He smiled at me.

"Well I'm sorry I can't remember all of their names, I haven't heard them very much." I whispered back, checking behind me to see where Botox Queen was.

"Well then it's probably good that I haven't told you everybody else's name too."

"I thought there were only six of you." I raised an eyebrow at him. "How many more are there?"

"Seven." He said plainly, glancing around the room.

"Seven? And you're all amazingly skilled scientists?" Braig laughed again, at me this time.

"No, only me and the five you know of are. But there are thirteen of you right?" He crouched down behind the back of my chair and looked up at me.

"Yea."

"And what's the one thing you all have in common?" He looked up at my patiently, like he expected it to take me awhile to figure out, even though I already had.

"So you know everyone of them? Every single one?"

Braig laughed again. He was in a good mood today, for once. Usually when he and his five other scientist buddies were working on something, he was irritable and dodgy. "Yup every single one. I'll even name them in your order for you; Xehanort, Me, Dilan, Even, Aeleus, Ienzo, Isa, Ale, Myde, Dulor, Lumaria, Ralene, and Sora."

"What are they all like?" My attention was caught. This was much more interesting that Botox Queen's speech about "conquering fears" that she was giving behind me.

"Which one do you want me to start with?" Braig sat down fully on the floor, obviously enjoying himself.

I thought for a minute. "Start with Ralene. Is she as insane and just a little bit creepy like Larxene?" Everyone else's alter egos actually interested me. Braig and I were pretty similar and got along most of the time, but I knew that other people were almost polar opposites, like Marluxia and Lumaria, and others didn't get along, like Vexen and Even. But even then, I knew almost nothing about everybody else's other sides.

"Ah Ralene. Well she…." I never got to here about Ralene. Braig was cut off abruptly by a loud shriek from Demyx. He attempted to leap out of his chair and rush out of the door, but got caught on the chair and collapsed in a heap, struggling desperately to free himself from the chair. The monitors at the door were sprinting across the room. I focused on Botox Queen, trying to figure out what Demyx's meltdown was about. She held a small piece of plain white string between two fingers, dangling it in front of where Demyx's face had been seconds before.

"What are you trying to do? Give the poor kid a heart attack?" Xaldin was frowning angrily at BQ. I understood were his anger was coming from. For some reason it pissed us all off when the people running this place thought that they were helping Demyx by trying to break his phobias, or at least the one of string. They had been trying since the first day he showed up here, and his reactions had never gotten better.

"Demyx needs to learn to love string and not be afraid of it if he is going to go back into the real world." Botox Queen said loudly, more to everyone else instead of Xaldin. Love string? Who loved string, even if they weren't afraid of it like Demyx?

I felt the urge to throw up again, even though my stomach was so empty I would have just been coughing up stomach acid. I looked back down at the floor for Braig, but he was gone. Damn it. I had so much I wanted to ask him before he left again.

I focused back on Demyx, who had successfully gotten away from the chair and was now attempting to get away from the monitors. The one from outside the door and come in to see what was happening, as well as one of the nurses who was outside. One of them had managed to tackle Demyx to the floor in his mad dash to the door. The two others were attempting to hold him down, while the nurse tried to help BQ calm down all of the other patients in the room.

After a few minutes of Demyx struggling, two more monitors and one more nurse joining the fray, and Xaldin and I peppering all of them with heavy curses, Demyx finally started to give up. He yanked his arms free from one of the monitors and curled up into a ball, whimpering and shaking.

Botox Queen watched all of this in silence, quietly putting the piece of string back into the pocket of her jacket. All of the other patients were in stunned silence. Xaldin and I had both stood up a few minutes earlier, only to be blocked by the monitors and nurses that weren't working on attempting to hold Demyx down.

The monitors and nurses were stunned by Demyx's sudden switch in emotion that they didn't know what to do. They looked at each other in confusion, clearly showing their small mind capacities.

"Move." Xaldin stated simply, pushing one of the monitors out of our path. I crouched down next to Demyx, heavily aware of the all the stares focused on us.

"Demyx." His only response was to curl further into himself and continue to sob. I reached out to touch his shoulder, but he whimpered and turned his body away.

"Come on Demyx, there isn't any string anymore." He whimpered again. I couldn't tell if he was listening to me or not.

"Demyx, I promise you there isn't any string anymore. If you listen to me, I'll take you to the hospital wing and get you something to calm you the hell down." His sobbing lessened a little. I reached out to him again, slowly, barely brushing his shoulder with my fingers. He cringed, but not as hard at the first time.

After about five minutes of attempting to get Demyx to talk to me or even acknowledge my presence, I gave up and rose to my feet again. I tried, and I didn't know what the hell else to do. The monitors and nurses moved in when they realized I was done. After a lot of struggling and fighting, they finally managed to carry Demyx out of the room.

"Well, I think that is enough excitement for one day." BQ sighed, scanning her eyes across the group of people in the room.

"What are you talking about? Don't you still have two more sessions after dinner?" I replied coolly, perfectly content in popping her bubble. Her face darkened for a brief second, but she quickly masked it with the fakest smile I had ever seen, even for her.

"Well yes Xigbar, I suppose I do. But for this session, I think I'll excuse you all for supper. The nurses in charge of taking you there should be here soon." Xaldin and I reluctantly sat back down. Much to my enormous displeasure, BQ sat down in Demyx's empty chair next to me.

"Are they taking him to Neverland?" A woman who couldn't have been much older than me from across the room asked innocently, her eyes wide with curiosity. I never paid much attention to the other nut jobs that rotted their lives away in this room with me, but just by actually paying attention to her for the first time, I was pretty sure that she had multiple-personality disorder.

"No, Wanda, they are taking him to give him something to calm down is all." She smiled brightly at Wanda, who just fixed her with a look of deep suspicion. She narrowed her eyes.

"So they are taking him to the bad place." She murmured, her eyes darting around the room. "Well they won't get me too, no matter how hard they try." She tightened her small hands into fists and pounded on the sides of her chair.

I stopped paying attention to her and glanced at the door, wishing that the monitors from outside would walk in the door to march us away. The sooner I got out of this room, the better.

There was a short knock on the door before it opened and two nurses entered, as brisk and annoying as ever. They started lining people up, and I couldn't stand up fast enough.

"I'll see you all on Wednesday!" Botox Queen called gaily, waving her hand in the air.

My stomach acid threatened to burn up my throat again.

* * *

"I'm just saying, every Stephen King book should not have to be made into a movie." Luxord spun the overly cooked spaghetti around on his place fork. I was so sick of spaghetti. They gave it to us at least two or three times a week and in seemed to become glueyer every time. None of us even tried to eat it anymore.

"Some of them are exceptional though, like……Misery." Saix calmly replied, studying the lump of "pasta" on his plate with slight distaste. Xaldin, Saix, Luxord, and I were the only ones to have shown up so far, given that Xaldin and I had gotten out of group therapy early (which had made my entire week), and Luxord and Saix had somehow ended up being in the first group to enter the dining hall.

"Okay Misery and maybe two others, but that's it." Luxord crossed his arms, looking slightly disgusted; though I was pretty sure it was because of the fact that he was going to go hungry tonight.

"Okay so what is the other two then? Green Mile?" Xaldin said, absentmindedly swirling the water around in his little foam cup.

"Yes, that one counts." Luxord replied.

"So what's the other one?" Xaldin pressed. No one answered for a moment.

"The Shawshank Redemption." I finally decided, glancing at the door to see if anyone else from our misfit group was coming yet.

"True, but why only three? What about say…..the Shining?" Saix leaned against the table, clearly interested in the conversation.

"Eh, the Shining is alright, but it is not as nearly good as those other three." Luxord said, finally giving up on attempting to dissect the blob of "pasta" and setting his fork down.

"There can't be that many Stephen King movies can there?" Xaldin furrowed his eyebrows, trying to remember all of the movies that started out as a King book.

"Eighty five percent of the movies on the Sci-Fi channel are Stephen King books. Even ones you have never heard of." Luxord replied, glancing briefly over my head of something.

"Hm. I suppose you're right with that." Saix replied, his mind clearly have moved on to something else. No one said anything more. I figured that Saix had ended the conversation, but it was someone else.

"Good evening gentlemen." Larxene's voice held sarcasm and fakeness in her bright tone. She sauntered around the table to the other side, plopping down a little less than daintily next to Luxord. "What is tonight's topic of choice?"

"Nothing really." Xaldin replied, his voice frigid. He didn't care for Larxene much.

Larxene pushed his tone off, but it hadn't gone unnoticed. "Well." She said, her voice clipped, "You aren't a very lively bunch." She looked down at her plate, noticing what was on her plate for the first time. She crinkled her nose in distaste.

"I'd rather be dead than a high maintenance bitch." I muttered under my breath, plenty loud enough for her to hear me. Larxene either didn't hear me or ignored me. She raised her head, looking past us and sneered at someone. She was in a bad mood, and I sure as hell wasn't in any type of mood to deal with her antics today.

"Well aren't you a little ray of sunshine." Lexaeus muttered as he dropped his plate on the table and dropped down onto his seat, clearly as annoyed about going hungry as I was.

"As always Lexy dear." Larxene's smile was sickeningly sweet. I hadn't had someone want to make me throw up so much besides BQ. I asked Xemnas almost daily why he had even considered letting her be a part of us. We were just fine when it had been all male, and there was no estrogen to invade into our testosterone.

Everyone else was arriving quicker now, most of which were met by a rude comment or one that was laced with too much sweetness to be real. As soon as Xemnas had taken his seat next to me, I attacked him with the unanswerable question again. I had only asked maybe once or twice today. Maybe for once he would just give me a damn answer.

"Why do we have her again?" Xemnas sighed and glanced up at me.

"I told you Xigbar, she belongs with us, just like everybody else does, no matter how annoying and bitchy she is." As if to prove his last statement, Larxene's trill of a laugh floated across the table.

"I know she gets on your nerves too, why can't we just get rid of her?" Larxene was almost directly across from me, but she was too engrossed in delivering sticky sweet comments that she didn't hear our conversation.

"Xigbar."

"I vote her off the island."

"I vote her off too." Roxas, sitting directly across from me said. He had been quietly listening to us, trying his best to ignore Larxene next to him.

"Ha! See even the little guy agrees with me. I say we take a team vote. I bet everyone else would vote her off too, even Marluxia." Xemnas looked away down to where Marluxia and Larxene were, who conveniently chose this moment to roughly tug on a large chunk of his hair and ridicule him about it.

"We are thirteen, Xigbar. Remember?"

"Well let's replace her then." Xemnas sighed again.

"We can't just replace her Xigbar."

"Oh sure we can. There are tons of other crazy people in here." I motioned around the room. "Make your pick."

"We can even pick another girl if you want, as long as she isn't her, I really don't care." Roxas piped up again. I was really starting to like him tonight. He sat up straighter and scanned the room.

"What about that girl?" He pointed across the room, towards the door. Even through what seemed like a million other bodies, I knew who he was talking about. A little blonde girl who I hadn't ever seen before was sitting at one of the tables closest to the door, as if she wanted to be sure she could leave quickly. The gray sweat pants and long-sleeved purple shirt looked strange on her, like she was the type of girl who should always wear sun dresses. Her shoulder-length blonde hair was tucked neatly behind her ears. She didn't have a plate of food in front of her, but was simply watching her table mates and sipping occasionally out of the Styrofoam cup sitting directly in front of her.

Xemnas watched her in silence for a minute. "We still can't get rid of Larxene, and we can't add another person, but none-the-less, that girl is very….intriguing." All three of us were watching her intently as she continued to quietly drink water out of her little cup.

"What are you all staring at?" Larxene quickly looked over the room. She huffed, angry that we didn't tell her. I turned back around to face Larxene's scowl.

"Nothing of your concern Larxene." Xemnas said evenly. She scowled at him, but he held his stoic look until she looked away and averted her attention elsewhere.

"That girl over there is even blonde." I whispered, determined to not let the conversation die just yet. Xemnas, however, was done. He didn't quite ignore me, but he didn't answer me. He had moved onto something

"Where is Demyx?" He raised his voice so he got everyone else's attention.

"Think they took him to the hospital wing." Xaldin muttered.

"Why?" Saix pressed. Everyone else had gone silent, eager to know what had become of number nine.

"Group counselor tried to make him 'love string.'" Xaldin continued, glancing up at me.

"That is probably the most intelligent thing I've heard all month." Axel snorted. Everyone was looking up at us except for Zexion, who was looking down at his plate, almost determinedly. For some reason the sight of him reminded me of Demyx earlier trying to ask me something, though I had no idea in hell why.

"Does this happen a lot?" Roxas inquired again. I kept forgetting he hadn't been here very long.

"No, not with Demyx anyway. It happens on a daily basis somewhere in this place. I think it has only happened once before." Vexen was the one to answer him.

"Oh." Roxas paused, looking down for a second before his eyes shot back up again. "How long is he usually gone for?"

"Usually just over night. He will probably be back at breakfast." Xemnas' tone meant that he had said the final statement in the conversation. He had a gift for ending conversations.

* * *

"No." Larxene crossed her arms over her chest, pouting like she was five. "I don't want another girl competing against me for biggest bitch award. I'm the only girl in this Organization." She continued to pout.

"As much as I hate to agree with her, even if the tiniest bit, you did say that at thirteen people we were done." Zexion muttered quietly. Larxene shot him a slightly sinister smile.

"See? I knew Zexy would be on my side." She beamed happily.

"I'm not on your side Larxene, and don't call me that." He glared at her angrily.

"She is not exactly part of us, but she will be around us as much as she desires. It has already been settled and we are not taking a vote on it right now." Xemnas gave Larxene one of his coldest looks.

Namine was a strange issue for us. Going to breakfast this morning Xemnas, with Roxas expertly in tow, had ended up in the food line behind her, his favorite trick to meet people. Watching from across the room the look of surprise an uncertainty on her face was obvious. But none the less she accepted the offer to join us for dinner that night. The only complaint in general was that it would be even more crowded, besides Larxene's tirade of things.

Now, just shortly after breakfast we were all piled into Xemnas' room, which shouldn't have been possible given how small the rooms were. It was more crowded in there than in Beijing.

"I still think it is a stupid idea." Larxene continued, determined not to let her argument drop. She spun leaned back against one wooden arm of the desk chair, throwing her legs over the other. As soon as she had come into the room, she had claimed the chair "her area." Five people we packed onto the bed and the rest of us were sprawled across the floor, with no room to even think about stretching your legs out. I didn't know which was worse; being in this crowded sardine tin room, or the fact that I had a session with Reynolds after this.

"You think everything that isn't about you is pointless." Axel pointed out. Larxene scowled at him.

"She's quiet; you won't even know she was there." Roxas offered, obviously trying to do us all a favor and get Larxene to shut up for once.

"I bet she will drive us all insane." Larxene shot back.

"We already have you for that." Vexen sneered at her.

"Would you all stop bickering for once?" Xemnas said, his voice rising. A couple more glances were exchanged, mostly between Larxene and everyone else, but she stayed quiet. It was a damn miracle.

"Well, I say we add another damn table. We are way too crowded and I don't like you all that much not to add another table." Larxene gave me a glance, but chose not to retort against me.

"I agree." Marluxia stated simply from his spot on the floor next to me.

"Fine, we will try to get another table." Xemnas said, ending yet another conversation.

* * *

"I never want to do that again." I collapsed onto the floor in my room, relieved that my half hour of torture was finally over.

"Don't you have to go back on Thursday?" Braig said, sitting down on the floor next to me.

I groaned. "Don't remind me."

"And hey don't you get to go see BQ again tomorrow?"

"Shut up Braig."

"Why?"

"Because you're making me sick!" I reached out to push him away, but he moved out of reach.

"Aw come on Xig, don't blame me."

"I gotta blame someone right now, and you are the only one here." I closed my eyes, fully ready to go to sleep in the middle of the floor.

"Then why don't you blame Demyx?"

"Demyx?" I opened my eyes again. "Why Demyx?"

"Because he is outside." Braig stood up and walked around behind me just as there was a quiet knock on the door. I sat up and looked behind me. Braig had disappeared. Groaning again I pulled myself up off the floor and opened the door. Sure enough Demyx was standing there, smiling.

"What is it Demyx?" I rubbed at my eyes, hoping that he would disappear so I could go to sleep.

"Um, Xigbar…could I talk to you about something?" He looked up at me, hopeful.

I sighed. "Alright." I stepped back into the tiny shit hole I called my room. He followed me, sitting down on the edge of the bed. I sat down on the bed, resisting the urge to fall back onto the pillow. "Spill."

"Well you see….." His voice trailed off as he tried to put what he was thinking into words. "….I told….I told…Zexion…no a few months ago and…" He trailed off again as I attempted to be patient and not yell at him to just spit it out. But when he started talking again, he picked up the pace by 5000. "And it's not like I didn't care about him any less back then, because I did, but now I've really started to notice that I _did _like him more than just…normally. But I'm just starting to realize it now and I want to tell him, but I don't think he will want to listen to me, but I really, really want to tell him how I feel." He stopped, taking a deep breath and looked at me. I stared back at him dumbly for a minute, trying to digest everything he had just said.

"Well kid, you just need to tell him, whether you think he will listen or not." I offered, hoping he wouldn't ask me to explain.

"Well here is the big thing. It is getting closer to Christmas, and I know already that he got approved to go home for that weekend and I want to tell him all this before he leaves, but I also want to show him so…" He stopped.

"So you want to give him something." I finished. This is what he must have been what he wanted to talk to me about yesterday morning. I still couldn't figure out why the hell he was asking me all of this. I wasn't good at this stuff.

"That's it exactly. But I remembered what you said about how Christmas presents don't really exist here, especially between each other." Demyx looked down at his hands.

"….So what are you going to give him?" That was what I was supposed to ask, right?

Demyx huffed. Obviously I was wrong. "Well that's what I was asking you!" He looked up at me again, his eyes filled with hope. If the kid wasn't so damn cute I probably would have kicked him out by now.

"Honestly Dem, I have no fucking idea." I finally gave into the urge to lie down and fell backwards onto the pillow. "What do you have in your room?"

He thought about it for a minute. "A few books, books of guitar scores, maybe one on drumming, pencils, a sketch pad…" He listed a few more things before he stopped and placed his head in his hands. "All of those would suck as presents!" He moaned.

"You don't have much of a choice right now kid." Demyx moaned again.

"I know, but I just wish I had something better. This is the most important Christmas present of my life!" He cried, gesturing with his largely with his hand for emphasis.

I thought for a moment. "You said you had a sketch pad right?"

He looked at me. "Yes."

"Well are you any good at drawing then?"

"Well….I guess I'm alright at it."

"Then draw him a picture or something." Demyx was silent for a minute.

"I could do that! Thanks Xigbar! You're the best!" Demyx bounded off the bed, across the room, and through the door. I sat in the gathering silence. He had left so fast it took me a second to figure out that he had left.

Finally. I put my arms behind my head, stretching out across the tiny bed as best I could. I had just closed my eyes when I heard the sound of soft footsteps.

"Go away Braig." I growled, covering my head with the pillow. He stopped walking.

"Aw why? I just got here." He complained. I could feel him watching me. I rolled over, attempting to ignore him.

* * *

Roxas had been right. Namine was extremely quiet. She sat on across from me, next to Roxas and Xemnas. She looked up just about as much as she talked. Axel took it upon himself to pepper her with questions, but her voice was so soft and quiet that eventually everyone gave up on trying to hear her. After a few exchanges of words, all of Larxene's covered in way too much sugar; she started to generally ignore Namine's presence.

And also, we hadn't gone another damn table. My entire day had been ruined. I was looking forward to that table.

"I can't wait to get out of here and leave all of you behind, even if it is only for three days." She pushed her steamed carrots around on her plate.

"How the hell did you get approved to go home for Christmas?" Axel asked, raising an eyebrow.

Larxene rolled her eyes. "Simple. I'm a female, and I have a significant power where I can manipulate any boy. During my session with Dunbar, I hinted how much I missed home and told some fake ass stories of Christmas past and how much they meant to me. He talked to Reynolds and they both agreed to set me free."

"You are only going to be gone for three days, you aren't free forever." Lexaeus pointed out. Larxene flicked her hair over her shoulder.

"Three days I deserve." At least half of the table snorted in disagreement. Larxene scowled across the table. "Not like any of you deserve it. Are any of you even allowed to go?"

"I am leaving." Xemnas said.

"Well that is a given I suppose. Is that it?" Larxene looked at each one of us in turn.

"I am." Zexion said, raising his gaze to meet hers. She returned it, immediately turning it into some kind of dumb contest. After I few minutes she looked away.

"Weren't you supposed to Demyx?" She turned her sinister smile down to him. He shot her a glare.

"No." He turned to look determinedly at the food on his plate.

"Yes you were. You were supposed to until yesterday when you…"

"Drop it Larxene." Xemnas' voice held a warning tone. Larxene smirked one last time at Demyx before turning back around. "Of course Xemnas dear." She picked up one of the carrots and put it innocently in her mouth. Demyx was still looking down at his plate, fighting the urge to retort against her.

Namine watched all of this with what looked like slight fascination. She would learn. She sure as hell would learn.

"I'm getting out of here." Xaldin pushed his chair back, stood up and started to walk away.

"Hey don't leave me here in wacko land by myself." I followed behind him, ignoring Larxene's vulgar remark without even trying. Luckily the one monitor at the door was busy somewhere else, and the other was one of the denser ones. Xaldin simply told him that we were going to the bathroom and he let us go.

It wasn't a complete lie. We did go to the bathroom….we just didn't stare there very long. Xaldin and I stood staring at our reflections in the tiny mirror in the deserted bathroom, not saying anything for awhile.

"What should we do now?" I asked, still staring straight ahead at my reflection.

He didn't answer me right away, but just kept staring straight ahead at his reflection like I was.

"Want to go have sex?" He stated, not taking his eyes off the mirror.

"Ah sure why the hell not?"

* * *

**As always, reviews are loved.**


	7. Fall For You

**So here it is: Chapter 7. I figured I had to get it up before Christmas really did come. The ending is rushed, I apologize for that. I will try not to take so much time on the next chapter. I do already have ideas and a kind of frail outline for it, unlike this chapter. But enough of my rambling, onward!**

**As always, please excuse any mistakes. I tend to leave off the end letters of some words and switch small words around when I'm typing faster.**

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**C****hapter 7**

_Fall For You_

_(Zexion)_

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_Tonight will be the night I will fall for you, over again, don't make me change my mind. Remember me tonight when you're asleep. I won't live to see another day, I swear its true. Because a girl like you is impossible to find. - Secondhand Serenade_

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* * *

_In their horrible attempts to get everyone in a _mental_ hospital "in the Christmas spirit", a large, painfully fake-looking tree was set up in the main entrance. Hardly anyone really saw it, unless they were on their way out the door with their families, leaving hell behind for a short period of time to go home and eat edible food and pretend they weren't mentally unstable, or if they had the unexplainable urge to go look at it.

For once in my life, luck decided to favor me, and I got to be one of the few to see that tree on my way out of the door. I don't think I have ever looked more forward to anything else in my life. Holidays had never been anything too special at my house. Every year since I could remember something would go wrong, like the year that my dad got mad at my mom for accidentally burning dinner and started the tree on fire. Despite all of the bad memories of Christmas past, I could hardly doubt that it could be any worse than being stuck here.

Three more days, and I would leave. Three more days and I could pretend that I was a normal person again, instead of what I had become.

I woke up on the morning of the twenty-first, the beginning of the long three day stretch. At exactly nine a.m. on the twenty-fourth, I would leave. Commence the longest seventy-two hour stretch any one had ever endured.

I stayed in my bed staring at the ceiling, willing time to go faster, knowing all too well that focusing on it only made it go slower. It wasn't like it mattered, everyday in this place since the moment I got here was slower than the one before it. And despite that, it would feel like I would blink and weeks would have flown by. It was hard to think that I had been here for close to five months.

I was starting to despair that I would ever be able to get out of here. I didn't want to be one of those people who ended up living their lives out in a mental facility.

The uncertainty and slight horror that thought provided made queasiness begin to edge into my stomach. Before I had the chance to even think about getting sick, there was a brief, short knock on the door, before a heavy key slid into the lock. I sighed heavily, rolling out of bed to glare pointlessly at the door as it was heaved open by another nurse who had had too many "and how does that make you feel?" lessons. I didn't understand why they couldn't just leave me be for once. For a microsecond, I blissfully wished that the nausea was still with me, so they would let me be. I quickly dashed the wish, knowing all too well that they would send me to the hospital wing and crush my visions of being home.

"Morning sunshine." Luxord said brightly as I was ushered out the door by the impatient nurse. I scowled as darkly as I could at him. "Shut up." Luxord just laughed at smiled again.

"Aw come on Zex, it's almost Christmas time! Where's your holiday spirit? Did this place suck it out of you too?" He tsk-tsked and shook his head sadly, as if I had greatly disappointed him.

I looked pointedly away from him, as childish as it probably looked. I heard Luxord shift positions behind me. "My name isn't Zex. It's Zexion."

"Hey don't you get to go home, little man?" He patted me lightly on the shoulder, ignoring what I had said. I looked at through the edge of my eyes, not turning my head.

"Yes. I do." The nurse shuffled me impatiently into a line in front of Luxord and behind the middle-aged woman with the crazy blonde hair who always liked to glare at me hatefully.

"Then cheer up a little. It's only three days away. And then you don't have to come back until the twenty-seventh. That is practically the best vacation anyone could ever imagine." I narrowed my eyes, trying to figure out what Luxord was getting at. I had never heard him talk this nice and normal to anyone without it being either laced with sarcasm, or with a tone riding underneath his words that anyone could tell that he wasn't being serious.

Maybe he was just getting better at pretending.

I was debating on how I should answer him silently in my head, or if I should even bother answering him at all, when the little line of my fellow yellow hell sufferers, shuffled forward, just like cows walking in a perfect line next to the fence on their way home. I kept looking forward at the back of the head of woman who hated me for no reason apparent to me. Luxord either felt the discussion end or for once decided not to pester me any further.

The walk to the dining hall, as always, gave me the same sick feeling of realization of where I was. I had memorized everything about this walk. Which lights were the brightest, the two lights that always creaked back and forth, throwing the same gruesome shadows, the heavy metal door that went to what Axel had described as the place where "the fucking craziest of the mentally insane" were put for certain periods of time. He said it was the whole padded room-straight jackets thing behind that door. I didn't doubt him. No one in the Organization had been there, or so everyone claimed, yet.

But with our disarrayed group, I could almost make a bet with Xigbar that someone would eventually.

Hopefully it wouldn't be me.

On the long march to the dining hall, my little line also passed by the hospital ward, where someone was moaning loudly. I tried to tune it out.

Four hallways and several flights of stairs later, the nurse pushed through the all too familiar doors into the all too familiar large dimly lit room, filled with several different shaped tables, and people on different levels of the insane scale. My stomach rumbled uncomfortably, knowing all too well that it probably wouldn't get much this morning, like almost everyday before this one.

I sighed, forcing my heavy feet to shuffle into the room.

* * *

Something was going on with Demyx. We didn't speak much for the next few days after the day he rejected me, and ever since then its just settled into an agreed silence. But there were whisperings, quiet conversations being held while they thought I wasn't paying attention. All of them involved Demyx. Demyx whispering quietly to Axel, Demyx trying to communicate with Xaldin by hand signs behind my back. Demyx stopping in mid-conversation the minute I came within hearing range. The whole thing was making me uneasy.

"Marluxia." Saix called across the lounge, his voice even and calm. Immediately Marluxia stood up from his place near the far wall and crossed the entire length of the room to sit next to Saix on the couch. I switched my focus to them by adjusting my eyes to look in their direction. Demyx was sitting at one of the tables, moving a pencil quickly across a drawing pad, stopping to erase at least every ten seconds. Xigbar was sitting next to him, looking down when Demyx tugged on his sleeve. Concentrating on something else was what I needed.

I was still having troubles figuring Marluxia out. Now that I had figured Vexen out not too long ago, Marluxia and Demyx were the only ones that I was still having trouble with. It frustrated me. I had never had this much of a problem trying to figure someone out.

Saix leaned back against the couch, saying something to Marluxia. I was too far away that I couldn't hear what they were saying, only the octaves in their voices. Marluxia's reply caused Saix to reach out and pull roughly on a large chunk of his oddly colored hair. I'd seen others ridicule Marluxia about his hair color and even tug on it, and every time he would get defensive immediately, hissing at the culprit and possibly say something hurtful.

But when Saix did it, tugging with what seemed like more force than necessary, Marluxia didn't do anything. It was like he became almost a totally different person around Saix, meek and subordinate.

I switched my gaze over to Vexen without shifting anything but my eyes. He had his back to them, his face hidden by his hair as he leaned over a tattered book from the one of the bookshelves in the lounge. I couldn't tell if he was ignoring them on purpose or if he really hadn't noticed.

I switched my gaze slowly back over the Marluxia and Saix, who were now engaged in what appeared to be a serious conversation. I strained to hear them. I was starting to pick up on a few words here and there. "Mine….not important….after that….you're mine…." when the sound of the chair scratching back next to me startled me. I jumped involuntarily, flinching away from the motion next to me.

"Hey chill Zex." Axel plopped down next to me, crossing his arms behind his head and stretching. I resisted the urge to snarl at him, angry that the potential moment that might have helped me figure Marluxia out had been ruined. Damn it.

"Go away Axel. And don't call me Zex." Why couldn't anyone around ever call me by my rightful name? I called all of them by their birth names, not by some silly nickname.

"Okay, _Zexion_." He said, stressing my name with heavy sarcasm. He leaned down against the card table, making himself comfortable.

"Axel. Go away." I stated again, trying to snatch words from the conversation still going on atop the old beat up couch.

"Why? You don't look like you're doing anything too crucial right now." He smiled.

"It doesn't matter. I wish to be alone at the moment."

"But why?" Axel pressed. I sighed heavily.

"I just do Axel. Does everything need a clear explanation?" Saix had tugged Marluxia's hair again, and was now holding one of his hands protectively between both of his. Both had lowered their voices, so I couldn't hear them anymore. I growled mentally, keeping my facial expression the same as before so Axel wouldn't catch on.

"Well what if I needed to ask you a very vital question? Can I stay then?" He leaned back in his chair, clearly relaxed.

"What does this ever so important question involve?" I tore my gaze away from the two on the couch to look at him.

"You." He stated simply, a small smile gracing his lips. He was clearly enjoying antagonizing me.

"I've already figured that out Axel. What else does it involve?" He shrugged casually, taking his time to answer.

"That is pretty much it."

"Fine. What is it that you must ask me?" I grumbled. I glanced quickly back at the couch. Marluxia had moved back across to the other side of the room. Xemnas had taken his spot on the couch and was now talking to Saix.

"When do you leave for home for Christmas?" I was taken aback by the casualness of the question. I thought it would have been something more….important than that.

"The morning of the 24th, at nine." I furrowed my brow at him. "Why?"

"Just wondering." Axel screeched his chair back, standing up to leave.

"That was it?" I was still stunned that he had wasted so much of my time for such a simple question.

"Yup; that was it." He shrugged and turned on his heel, leaving me sitting alone at the table again.

I shook my head and sighed quietly to myself. I definitely needed a vacation from here.

* * *

Everything about this place was so routine. Everything had a place and everything was in its place. Breakfast, counseling, "free" time always spent in the heavily guarded lounge, lunch, more counseling or personal meeting with psychologist, more "free" time, dinner, bed. The same thing, day after day after day. I had been under the impression that mental hospitals were supposed to cure the insane, not create it.

I took a rare moment that I somehow found to myself to stare out one of the large floor length windows that looked out over the courtyard. Snow was falling less than peacefully. The clouds were low and dark, and wind was swirling the snow that was quickly mixing with hail into large flurries that beat relentlessly against the side of the building. I placed my hands against the glass, laying my forehead against the window between them. I could feel the slight vibrations through the glass as it was pelted by the hard balls of ice. Coolness spread quickly across my fingertips, making my hands feel like they were separate from the rest of my body. I focused my eyes in the center of one of the flurries, watching the snowflakes and hail jump and swirl in beautiful patterns off of the center. The more I watched the snow, the more lost I became in the patterns. I concentrated on the swirling ice crystals so hard and long that unwanted memories started randomly resurfacing in my mind with each new dizzying pattern

_"Zexion, darling, how was school today?" My mother said sweetly, placing a bowl of mashed potatoes down on the center of the table before taking her seat across from me. _

_"Thank you dear." My father said, giving my mom a hard half-smile as he reached across to slide the bowl closer to him. "Zexion," He addressed me without turning his head or his eyes the slightest to look at me. "Answer you're mother's question."_

_"It was good." I returned her reassured smile. I loved my mother, so I didn't like lying to her like this. She had always taken care of me and stood up for me against everyone. Except one person, but I tried not to hold that against her. Truthfully, my day had been horrible. Ienzo followed me the entire day, leaning against the back wall of my classrooms, sitting on the bleachers during gym class. I had tried to pretend he wasn't there, focusing too hard on trying to pay attention to my teachers and what my friends were talking about. Finally I had gotten a hall pass from one of my teachers and confronted him in the bathroom._

_"Why can't you leave me alone and disappear just like how you came, so I can be normal?" Ienzo had only smiled at me, his eyes filled with sadness. _

_"Soon I'm going to be all you have Zexion." He said, tears suddenly pricking at his eyes. "I know you don't believe me, but it's true. Everyone is going to turn on you, even your mother." _

_"Did anything exciting happen?" My mother continued, peacefully scooping her food in a neat little pile before picking it up with her fork. _

_"No, not really." I mumbled, looking down at my plate. The chair next to my mother suddenly slid back, scraping loudly across the floor. I didn't need to look up to see who it was. _

_"Why don't you tell her hm?" Ienzo said, looking down the table at my family; my father sitting at the head of the table where he thought he belonged, my mother and I flanking his sides like loyal servants. I stared hard at my plate, refusing to acknowledge him. _

_"Did Riku and his mother get back from their vacation yet?" The conversation my mother was attempting to hold was strained._

_"Yea, they got home yesterday." I pushed my food around on my plate, no longer hungry._

_"She's going to find out someday, and it would be better if just told her now." Ienzo shuffled his feet across the floor. I still didn't look up._

_"Oh that's good. I must get that pie recipe from his mother. It's divine." _

_"Tell her, or I will." Ienzo raised his voice, standing up from the chair._

_"Not now Ienzo." I muttered without thinking. The atmosphere in the room immediately turned dark. I closed my eyes and kept my head down as I heard my mother drop her fork down. _

_"Zexion please, not this again." I opened my eyes to look at her. Tears had already started streaking down her cheeks. She stood up silently. _

_"Mom, please, I didn't mean…" I trailed off, words failing me. _

_"I think I want to go lay down for awhile." She looked down at me, taking a shaky breath. She shuffled across the floor behind my father, leaning down to kiss my hair. "I love you sweetheart." She whispered, running one of her hands lightly through my hair once. She quickly left the kitchen. I listened to her footsteps cross the living room, and open and close the door to the basement, where she couldn't hear anything. Just like she wanted._

_"Upstairs, now." My father stood up from the table, giving me a death glare as he waited for me to walk out of the kitchen first. I could hear him stomping along behind me as I obediently trudged through the living room and up the stairs, walking through my bedroom door at the end of the hall. _

_As soon as he got through the doorway he slammed the door shut behind him, staring at me in the dark. His eyes glinted from the small streak of moonlight coming through the window. _

_"When I asked your mother to marry me when you were just three years old, I agreed to take care of you, to mold you into a respectable and good young man. I never thought I would have to deal with all this." He took a few steps towards me. I held my ground, even though I felt like I was about to be sick. _

_"Why did you mention your little illusions? You know that they upset her." _

_"I didn't mean to." His jaw tightened at my answer. He took another step, and I closed my eyes, anticipating what was about to happen. _

_The hard knuckles slamming against the side of my nose was harder than I had anticipated, much harder than he had ever hit me before. I lost my balance and fell sideways onto the floor. I could already feel blood starting to slide down towards my chin. He kicked me roughly in the stomach, chuckling darkly at the whimper I wasn't able to hold back. _

_"You will never mention these stupid little things to your mother again, you hear me?" He yanked roughly at my hair, forcing me to look up at him. I nodded meekly, willing him silently to leave in my head. _

_"Get up." He pulled hard on my hair again. I stood up, shaky, fighting hard against the emotions threatening to take over. I couldn't let him see me cry, it was what he wanted. He grabbed my chin, raising my eyes till they met his._

_"I'm going to make sure you never let that slip again." Before I could even think about replying or brace myself for another blow before he grabbed my shoulders and flipped me around and practically throwing me down on the floor. I hit my head hard, stars exploding in front of my eyes. I heard his knees crack as he got down on the floor next to me. _

_"And don't even think about trying to stop me." He reached up under my hips and quickly unbuttoned my pants, yanking them down quickly before undoing his own. He leaned down so his mouth was next to my ear. "Try not to scream, we wouldn't want to worry your mother now would we?" I gave up on trying to hold back my frightened tears, letting them fall freely down my face. He grabbed my hips roughly, making me whimper again. My brain was working in slow motion; I couldn't get anything to work. If I could just fight back, catch him off guard, I could get out; out of the house, into the car, and somewhere, anywhere, but here. But nothing was cooperating. I was paralyzed to the floor, at the mercy of my father. I caught a glimpse of movement on the bed above, and shifted my eyes to look up at Ienzo, helpless in trying to help me. He was crying, the tears I had seen in his eyes at school finally spilling over. My attention was turned abruptly back to my father, who had lifted my hips up until my knees were bent. I sucked in a quick breath, praying that it would be over soon just as he…_

"Zexion?" I pulled myself gratefully away from swirling snow and the memory, turning to see who had saved me without realizing it. Lexaeus was eyeing my carefully.

"Are you okay?" I noticed all of the movement going on around us. Patients and nurses were everywhere.

"Yes, I'm fine. Why?" My hands slowly started regain warmth, making them tingle.

"You look a little sick, and you looked like you were staring at something horrifying." He glanced out the window at the blowing snow, raising an eyebrow.

"I'm fine I was just…thinking is all." I managed to pull off looking calm. It must have worked.

"Alright. Well it's time for dinner, and no one could find you, so I came looking for you." People kept brushing past us in their lines, nurses bustling about from one line to another.

"Let's go then." We weaved our way through the groups of people, away from the intoxicating snow flurries.

* * *

"Do you know what tomorrow is?" Larxene sighed, pulling a chair into the small space in between Vexen and me around the small card table. I heard Vexen sigh in annoyance.

"I really don't care." Vexen snapped, looking at her in disgust.

"It's Christmas Eve, and the day I finally get away from you assholes." She twirled a lock of hair around her fingers, smiling like she had just won the lottery.

"I'm so very happy for you." Saix retorted from across the table. There were way too many of us for one small table. It hadn't seemed that way until Larxene sat down.

I tuned her and everyone else out, scanning over each one around me, and in the entire room. Saix and Xemnas were sitting across the table from Vexen, Larxene, and I. Something was….odd between them, something I had somehow missed before. I ignored it for the time being and scanned beyond the small table. Roxas was looking out the window with Namine, talking about something that was making her smile. She was seemed calmer around him, more relaxed and open. Roxas wasn't very intimidating, especially when by himself. No wonder she would flock to him easier than anyone else in the Organization. Demyx was sitting on the couch, still bent over the sketchpad he had had with himself over the past week or so. Marluxia, Axel, Xigbar and Luxord were all at group counseling. I had no idea where Xaldin or Lexaeus were.

"Maybe I'll just never come back. I'll just convince my parents to move away. To somewhere extravagant." Larxene waved her hands around in the air to exemplify her point. "You would all miss me then."

"With all my heart and soul." I said, watching Demyx more on the couch than paying attention to her. She caught my sarcasm and humphed.

"Just you wait. You will miss me, all of you. You won't know what to do without my charm and sweetness to make your days better." Saix snorted softly, dipping his head down to chuckle softly to himself. Larxene smiled at him, even though he wasn't looking.

"This bunch needs someone who isn't afraid to be a bitch to keep it together." She said, haughtily standing up from the table. She turned on her heel, walking towards the door.

"Just you wait." She called over her shoulder, laughing shrilly, making at least half of the room wince. I was quickly coming to discover that Larxene practically lived for these conversations, for being the center of attention when the opportunity arouse.

"Finally. I don't know how many more of her intrusions I can take." Vexen rubbed at his temples.

"I think that her trip home is more of a vacation for us than for her." Saix said, finally lifting his head back up." I looked up at the clock. I had a little less than fifteen minutes before I had my personal meeting with Dr. Dunbar. It would be right on time, as always. Routine routine routine. If any more routine was shoved down my throat, I wasn't going to make it out of here alive. I was starting to feel a hint suicidal-ness pushing against the back of my brain, looking for a way in.

I glanced at the clock again. Barely two minutes had passed. Of all of my days here, this one had to be the longest of them all. It was going to be my first Christmas sans my father's presence, which meant no burning trees, no one being reduced to tears, and no new bruises to bring back to insane world with me.

I pulled away from that thought, turning to look out the window. Snow had started to fall, but it was softer than had been the day before. Only a light breeze was disturbing the flakes this time. I looked away from the snow. I didn't want to admit it to myself, but I was wary about looking out in the snow again, scared I might find another repressed memory. It was just snow; it couldn't do anything to me.

I sat in silence, focusing so hard on trying to reassure myself that my mind was playing tricks on me, that I didn't realize that the other three around the table were looking at me strangely.

"Zexion?" Xemnas said, breaking my deep thinking and bringing me back to the scene before me. Saix had one eyebrow raised, Vexen had narrowed his eyes, and Xemnas was looking at me with curiosity. "Are you alright?"

"Yes, I'm fine."

"You seem strange." Hadn't I just had this conversation with Lexaeus last night?

"I'm fine." I repeated ignoring the window that I could see out of the corner of my eye.

"You have seemed off lately." Saix said, locking his eyes one mine. I hated his eyes. He always looked like he was staring right through you, and he could force anyone into making eye contact with him.

"I'm fine." I repeated for a third time, dropping my eyes slightly so they weren't connected to Saix's anymore. Vexen looked away. Saix and Xemnas let the conversation drop. I looked back up at the clock. Seven minutes. I stood up from the table.

"I have a meeting." I said simply, turning away and talking out of the door. I could feel their eyes on me as I left, knowing that they would be discussing me and my strangeness as of late within seconds.

I walked down the hallway in mute silence with a monitor, focusing on the sounds of my footsteps echoing off the walls, not looking out any of the windows.

* * *

I trudged slowly down the empty corridor, determined to prove to myself that I could look out into the snow and not have to be afraid of doing so. It was a stupid, asinine thing to be afraid of. It was late, at least one-thirty in the morning. No one else was out of their rooms. The hallways were kind of eerie empty. Most of the lights were off, except for the emergency ones.

I reached the main floor, the cold marble quickly seeping through my thin socks. The lights were on out in the courtyard, shining brightly through the windows and making a large patch of light on the floor. I slid quickly across the floors to the windows, refusing to let myself hesitate. I came to a stop in front of the windows, looking straight out into the snow. The snow was falling steadily in big, thick flakes. All of the wind had died down, letting the snow crystals fall freely down at their own pace. There were no flurries to suck me in. The snow was calming this way, almost instantly relaxing my nerves.

I was about to turn back to go to my room, hopefully to be able to sleep in peace, when a movement in the courtyard caught my eye. I turned back, stepping up right against the glass to see better. I caught glimpses of movement here and there, as if someone was pacing. Who in their right mind would be out in the snow at this hour? I was about to leave again, and leave whoever was out there to their follies, when I saw it. The all too familiar blonde hair came into view. Demyx.

Without hesitation I pulled open the glass door, stepping out into snow. Instantly I regretted it. It was freezing. The fat snowflakes immediately clung to my hair and clothes, sticking to my eyelashes. On top of that, I wasn't wearing any shoes, which made everything a thousand times colder. For a moment I almost went back in. Demyx hadn't noticed me and had stopped pacing and was sitting down on one of the stone benches. Instead I forced my feet forward, deeper and deeper in the snow. Drifts were forming in the corners of the courtyard and up against the sides of the benches.

"Demyx," I stopped, a few yards away from the bench he was sitting on. His head shot up, his eyes full of surprise. "…what are you doing? It's freezing out here."

"Well I…I um…I just needed to…" Demyx stumbled over his words, not meeting my eyes. "I just needed to think about something." He finally finished, looking up slightly at me.

"Out here in the snow?" I crossed the rest of the distance between us and sat down on the bench next to him.

"Yea, it just seemed kind of peaceful, and I needed a quiet place to think." He hugged his arms around his chest, clearly as cold as I was.

"What did you need to think about?" This was the most we had talked since our talk in the dining hall all those weeks ago. More time had passed than I had realized.

He took a deep breath, looking straight out in front of him. "Okay, here goes; I wanted to give you something for Christmas, because…I like Zexion. I know you don't think so because of what happened that day during dinner, so I wanted to give you something, to show you that I'm sorry and I know you probably don't want to forgive me but I had to do something." He stopped and looked at me, his eyes full of apprehension. My stomach had dropped before he was even half way finished. It took me a second to regain my composure.

"Well, what…what is it?" I said, stammering like a first grader on the first day of school.

He took another deep breath and reached into the pocket of his soft pants and pulled out a neatly folded piece of paper. He unfolded it and handed it gingerly to me.

It was a drawing of me, leaning with my elbows against a table, my head in my hands. Books were piled on the table around me. Bookcases in the background were full of even more of them, all piled at odd intervals, none of them stacked neatly. One book was open next to my elbows, some of the pages coming up as if the book was about to close from having too stiff of a spine.

Snowflakes had landed on the drawing while I stared at it, making spots of the lead smudge. I held it protectively against my chest, turning to look at Demyx in amazement.

"Do you like it?" He asked nervously, wringing his hands in his lap.

"Of course I do. No one has ever given me anything like this before." I smiled at him reassuringly. Instantly he returned, obviously glad he had pleased me.

"I was really hoping that you would." He smiled again, reminding me of why I had felt attraction towards him in the first place. I folded the picture carefully back up and tucked it deep into my pocket, protecting it from the snow. Demyx had started examining a large snow drift in the corner of the courtyard. He looked back at me, the loveable smile still on his lips.

"Come make a snow angel with me." He hopped up from the bench and grabbed my hand before I had a chance to give him an answer. He pulled me across the courtyard, my feet losing the last of their feeling. Demyx practically dove into the large snow bank. I followed him, with less of the gusto. He laughed and laid down flat on top of the snow, moving his arms and legs in wide circles.

"Come on, make one." He said, glancing up at me. I laid down next to him, the numbness quickly working its way up my legs. I copied his motions, unable to resist smiling at his laugh.

When we finally had gotten back inside dripping wet, my entire body felt tingly as it welcomed the warmth of indoors. Demyx shook his head, sending water and quickly melting snow to splatter all over the walls and floor, and me. I wrinkled my nose as the drops hit my face.

"Oops." He said, smiling shyly. "Sorry."

"It's alright." I smiled back, feeling lighter than I had in what felt like forever. We headed upstairs and went our separate ways once we got to his floor. He gave me once last smile.

"I'll see you when you get back then." He said, pausing and turning back to look at me. "Merry Christmas Zexion."

I returned his happy, content gaze. "Merry Christmas Demyx."

* * *

"Oh baby!" My mother pressed my face against her shoulder, hugging me as close as possible. I returned her hug, with the fake white Christmas tree glittering in the background. It probably looked like we were a holiday movie still.

"You look good mom." She did. She had put on a little weight, so she didn't look as frail. She had cut her hair so it slanted from longest in the front to short in the back, and didn't look like she was at gun point. Getting rid of my dad had been better for her than she thought it would be.

Well, if she hadn't finally called the police when I tried to commit suicide, he might still be there. I tried not to think about that, instead I focused on what was in front of me. My mom as the woman I used to know what I was little. I leaned down and grabbed the small bag that held the few things that I was taking home with me; mainly just things like my toothbrush. I was wearing the clothes that I had arrived in, the only clothing I had that wasn't simple solid color shirts and sweat pants. It felt good to be in the familiar clothing, hanging at different angles, instead of flat and straight down like everything I wore here.

She wrapped her arm around my shoulders and led me towards the front doors. I glanced back briefly to take in the sight of the painfully fake tree once more before turning back to look out at the world beyond that I used to belong to, trying to forget the fact that I would have to come back through these doors the other way on the 27th.

"We're going to have such a wonderful holiday." My mother mused in the car, her face full of life. I hadn't seen her so happy and so upbeat about everything in so long; I didn't think she was capable of it anymore. "Thanksgiving was so lonely and odd without you there."

"What did you do for Thanksgiving?" I asked her; suddenly curious of what she could have done without me or my father.

"I went to Twilight Town, to see you aunt." She explained. "It was nice, a good vacation, but it would have been better with you." She paused before continuing. "But that's alright. Christmas is the important holiday anyway."

"Of course." I turned to look out the window, the surroundings starting to get more and more familiar. Butterflies of excitement had swelled up in my stomach. Now that today had finally gotten here, it didn't seem real.

She turned into our driveway, making my heart leap into my throat. My house sat before me, every inch of it just like I remembered. The house that had once felt like prison to me now looked like a God send.

Walking up the steps felt like a dream, one where I couldn't move fast enough towards my goal. My mother unlocked the door, pushing it open to reveal heaven.

* * *

I sat in complete silence in the car, staring moodily out the window. I didn't want to go back. The past three days had gone so quickly in contrast to the weeks leading up to them.

Just like my mother had promised, it had been a wonderful holiday. She had found present after present to put under the tree, even if most of them were small things. I didn't care; I was surprised enough that she had even given me anything at all. Most of it was things that I knew I couldn't take back to the hospital with me, but she had been thoughtful enough to find things that I could. In return I had cooked dinner on both Christmas Eve and Christmas night, refusing to let her help or cook anything. We spent most of the day after Christmas watching old movies and catching up, mainly on what was going on in her life, there wasn't much exciting going on in mine. I didn't tell her about what had happened with Demyx, but I did tell her about everyone in the Organization. She found all the stories about them amusing, and their mannerisms just as entertaining as I had.

She pulled into a parking space out front, quickly getting out. I followed suit robotically, pulling open the door and retrieving my bag from the floor, bigger than when I had left. I would have to have everything in it inspected before I was allowed to go to my room. And I would have to change back into the sweat pants and baggy shirts.

I sighed heavily as my mom pulled me into a hug in the lobby, the giant Christmas tree no longer providing us a movie scene backdrop. She rested her chin on top of my head for a minute, before pulling back to look at me.

"I'll see you soon sweetheart, I promise." She smiled reassuringly, running her fingers through my hair. "I love you."

"I love you too." We hugged again before we broke apart. She gave me one last smile and wave as she was half-way out of the door, and then she disappeared around the corner, the door sliding slowly shut behind her.

I sighed and turned my back on the front and walked slowly back to hell.


	8. Brain Stew

**Chapter 8**

_Brain Stew_

_(Luxord)_

* * *

_I'm having trouble trying to sleep. I 'm counting sheep but running out. As time ticks by, still I try. No rest for crosstops in my mind. On my own here we go. -Green Day_

* * *

New Year's Eve was the most pointless holiday in the book. Who the hell decided that January was the first month of the year? I disliked it more than Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, Christmas, Thanksgiving; even Arbor Day was a better holiday, even though holidays in general were pretty pointless.

Back home, almost everyone I associated with agreed to this with me, spare for the overly optimistic co-worker or two at work, but here was almost a complete turn-around.

"I don't see what all the hype about it is, it's just another day." Marluxia grumbled, obviously in a sour mood. His mood swings wore on me, though he did seem to be the only one who agreed with me that the holiday was pointless.

"Well, it's the start of a new year. So it means starting fresh. You have an entire year in front of you, untarnished." Demyx ventured, leaning against the wall opposite of Marluxia and I. Having nothing better to do, most of us had ended up sitting together on the cool floor of the hallway outside of the lounge. The room was unbearably hot with all the people inside of it, being that it was mid-afternoon on a holiday, so most of the counseling leaders were gone, and all group classes had been canceled. Plus, the heat was cranked up all the way, every room easily topping 80 degrees. The only cool place that could be found was the marble floors on the main floor.

"Yes, perhaps, unless you are stuck here, where everyday is exactly the same as the day before, just like everyday before that, and there is no sign of it ever ending. I highly don't count doing the same thing tomorrow that I did today and the day before that and the week before that, and the month before that as 'starting fresh.'" Marluxia huffed as he finished his tirade, practically foaming at the mouth. I glanced over at Saix, who was calmly looking straight ahead. Something was up with those two.

"Fuck, calm down Marluxia. All he was doing was attempting to find some good in life." Axel jumped in, coming to Demyx's rescue, who had just recovered from Marluxia's explosion. Marluxia only glared at him, seething.

"Just because we're sitting in hell now doesn't mean we all have to constantly be pessimistic about every damn little thing." Zexion added from Demyx's other side, unconsciously leaning towards Demyx, slight protectiveness in his stance.

"Oh hush, you're trying to come to his rescue in hope that you'll get something else in return tonight." Marluxia sneered at Zexion. The rest of us fell silent, the random blow surprising enough to cut off all other conversations. It only took a single beat of silence for Demyx of all people to cut back in.

"At least I have someone who is at least decent enough to stand up for me and likes me for more than just my ass." His eyes looking pointedly over at Saix. He stiffened slightly, finally looking towards his "fuck buddy," as Xigbar called them. I caught the sight of Vexen out of the corner of my eye, who had bristled sharply, much more than Saix had.

I opened my mouth to confront him of why, but stopped myself to see what would play out. Why in the hell would Vexen feel anger towards what Demyx had said? He hated Marluxia, didn't he?

Sometimes these people were better than prime time reality TV shows.

Xigbar broke the tedious silence. "Ooh that shit hurt." Marluxia ignored him, glancing up to catch Saix's unreadable eyes.

No one knew what to say. Marluxia seemed to be waiting for Saix to say something, as was everyone else. Vexen had relaxed back against the wall, composed. Damn, I was hoping there would be more than that.

"Well?" Larxene quipped, eyes trained heavily on Saix.

"Well what?" Saix growled, clearly annoyed.

"Aren't you going to come to your darling lover's rescue?" She widened her eyes at him. Everyone was listening, preferring the sudden outburst of drama over sidebar conversations.

Saix ignored her, continuing to hold Marluxia's eyes. After a long moment he finally narrowed them and turned his eyes pointedly away. Larxene snorted. "Some lover you are." She pouted, crossing her arms across her chest, disappointed the argument hadn't gone farther.

Marluxia stood up slowly, turning on his heel and walking around the corner. All eyes in the hallway followed him leave, but he met none of them. A few beats of silence after he had disappeared around the corner, Saix rose and followed him, his eyes still unreadable.

I turned my attention back to Demyx sitting in front of me. His eyebrows were furrowed together, as if he was worried. I shifted position, the long silence making the hallway uncomfortable. Axel cleared his throat. Zexion sighed. Vexen continued to lean back against the wall, looking as if he didn't care at all about what just happened, even though I knew he had.

"Well you guys are boring." Larxene flounced out of the hallway too, to no one's dismay.

A flash of brilliant light suddenly filled up the hallway. As the flashing stopped, I realized how dark it had gotten outside. I glanced out the window. Dark, threatening clouds were swirling across the sky, blotting out the setting sun. The clap of thunder following the flash was loud, threateningly close. I stared blankly at the window. It was the last day of December. What kind of place was I living in when there were thunderstorms in December?

"What the hell is up with that?" Xigbar said, voicing my thoughts. "It doesn't thunderstorm on New Year's Eve."

Demyx hopped to his feet to lean up and peer out the window.

"There has been a rapid climate change lately." Vexen stated, his voice monotone, but I could tell he was trying hard to keep it that way. "The atmosphere is much warmer than it should be."

"Thank you, Mr. Know everything no one cares about." Axel said. Vexen shot him a deathly glare, which was returned with one of Axel's customary smirks. Vexen stood haughtily.

"I've had enough of you people for one day." He left in a huff, with much less grace or composure that Marluxia had left in. Lightning threw brilliant colors through the windows again, a mix of white brightness and purple.

"One, one thousand, Two one thousand, Three one thousand, Four one thousand…" Roxas' voice rang out suddenly from the other side of Xigbar. He had been so silent through the random upset that I hadn't even realized he was present. Thunder, louder than before, cut him off shortly after he had counted to four.

"What are you doing kid?" I leaned forward to look around Xigbar, and sure enough there he was, blonde hair sticking every which way, bright blue eyes looked over in my direction. He really was a good looking kid. I shook my head of the thoughts.

Damn was I that sexually frustrated that I was thinking about a kid that way?

"Counting miles. My mom told me when I was little that for every one, one thousand, between the lightning and the thunder, the storm was one mile away. So it would be four miles right now." He glanced at me and away again.

"Are you sure that is even a correct measurement?" Lexaeus chimed in; the gap Saix had vacated separated him from the rest of us.

Roxas shrugged. "I don't know, but I've always done it since. It usually gets closer each time." Lightning flickered through the windows, and Roxas counted again. "One, one thousand, two, one thousand, three one thousand…." Thunder shook the windows.

"Cool." Demyx commented under his breath, still stretching up on his toes to look out the window.

"Those don't look like normal rain clouds." Lexaeus said, head turned up to look out the window with narrowed eyes.

"Of course they aren't normal. It's fucking December." Xigbar closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the wall. "Damn I hate this place."

"What does the weather have to do with being here?" Zexion looked up, his piercing eyes studying.

"I don't know, but it doesn't change the fact that I hate it here."

"What sane person would enjoy it?" Zexion pressed, still staring at Xigbar even though his eyes were closed.

Xigbar sighed and tilted his head back farther. "You think too much kid."

Zexion shrugged. "Perhaps." He finally dropped his eyes, stopping on me for a fraction of a second. His constant studying kind of freaked me out. It felt like he could read my mind sometimes when he was staring at me like that.

Conversation died with that. Demyx finally peeled away from the window and sat back down.

"One, one thousand, two, one thous…." Roxas started up his counting again, thunder cutting him off exactly when it was supposed to, right on cue.

"What happens when you reach absolutely nothing then?" Xigbar finally opened his eyes and looked at Roxas next to him.

"Then the heart of the storm is here."

* * *

I don't know how long we sat in the hallway, generally silent except for Roxas' counting. He counted until the storm cut him off at "one…." Then he stopped. The thunder rattled the windows and lightning continued to light up the hallway with extremely bright flashes.

We sat there until the lights finally flickered on, and a nurse came by and ushered us off to dinner. Surprisingly, everyone was present. Marluxia spent the entire meal fiercely staring down the unidentified casserole on his plate, until he finally got up and asked a monitor for permission to leave. Saix was still sporting his "I don't care" attitude, and Vexen seemed to have recovered somewhat, but was still acting more haughtily than normal towards everyone, if that was possible.

I had never resented sitting between Demyx and Marluxia more than I did then. Demyx still looked worried, and he squirmed around for most of the meal. Even Larxene was quiet, for the most part, except for her occasional jab here and there that she couldn't resist. Eventually she sighed loudly and gave up, since no one was giving her any response. Xemnas eyed all of us skeptically, but didn't address it. Probably thought the insanity that comes with a mental hospital was finally catching us. That was what I was beginning to believe.

After we were released from the suffering of the dining hall, most of us ended up in Xemnas' room, save for Marluxia and Vexen. There was nothing to talk about, nothing to do. Roxas started counting again, this time the storm getting farther and farther away until it had faded almost into nothingness.

Having nothing better to do, one by one we wandered out to our respective hallways. Zexion and I left together, making our way to the yellow hall, stopping shortly to be lectured by a nurse about being out of our rooms without permission.

"Now, I'm very busy at the moment, but I'm hoping to trust that you two can be responsible enough to make it back to your hall?" She placed her hands on her plump hips.

"Of course we will. We are on our way there right now." Zexion sugar coated the words, gesturing towards the spot of yellow that could be seen around the corner.

"Alright, well get going!" We shuffled around her and continued down the hall. She watched us until we turned to corner into our hall.

"Damn, what does she think we are? Prisoners in jail?" Zexion only huffed at me, choosing not to reply. Apparently he didn't catch the irony I was going for. My sense of sarcasm was getting scarily weaker with each day I was here. It wasn't until I was at my own door; hand on the knob, when Zexion spoke.

"Luxord?" I turned around to face him. He was standing at his own door, his back to me.

"Yeah?"

"Do you think that….Demyx and I….shouldn't have said what we did to him?" He turned his face profile to me, waiting.

"What? Why the hell are you of all people worrying about that?" I let go of the knob to stare fully at him.

"Demyx has been worrying about it, and I think it rubbed off a bit on me."

"Don't worry about it. Marluxia deserves to be bitched out now and then; I think it did him some good. Don't worry about it. He'll get over it."

Zexion turned back to his door. "You're right. I'm just being impractical." With that he entered his room, shutting the door with a small click. I shook my head, entering my own room.

I flopped down on the bed, not bothering to turn on the light. Clouds still spotted the sky here and there, blocking out the moonlight. I stared at the ceiling, thinking about the irony of all of us slowly losing touch with reality in a mental hospital, the place that was meant to "fix" us. Insanity was nibbling on the edges of our little dysfunctional family, and I was starting to believe that it was a welcome thing. The more insane ones of this hospital were in a completely different wing, and they certainly didn't have to worry about anything except figuring out that running into a padded wall could only be amusing for so long.

My eyes grew steadily heavier, but sleep was mocking me. Dulor suddenly appeared by the door, but he took one look at me staring blankly into space and left without a word. He wasn't one for many words anyway, but he could have at least told me hello or something. Looming insomnia was bad enough, but loneliness on top of that would only speed up my path to the padded room department.

* * *

I woke up with a start, bolting straight up in bed. I groped around for a few seconds, trying to figure out exactly why I was awake. My ears finally started to function, and the dying thunder sound finally processed. My window vibrated against the panes. I sat there dumbly for a few more minutes. I didn't even remember falling asleep, let alone changing into a different pair of sweats and getting underneath the covers of the bed.

I crawled across the bed to look out the window. Clouds, darker than I had ever seen before, swirled in large patterns in the sky. Every light was blotted out, except for few street lamps here and there. Damn, I thought the storm had passed.

I rubbed a hand over my eyes and glanced down at the clock. 1:43 AM. Happy fucking New Year. I yawned and stretched, sliding out of bed as thunder and lightning flashed and rumbled almost on top of each other. There was no way I could fall back asleep to that.

I turned the doorknob, completely surprised to find it unlocked. I padded down the hall, a slight hum of noise coming from somewhere. Apparently I wasn't the only one who was rudely awakened. I stopped short in front of the bathroom. I could hear several voices talking, low and murmured. Opting to avoid being discovered by a monitor, I turned ninety degrees, taking the stairs three at a time.

I sauntered into the bathroom on the next floor up, realizing two seconds too late that there was someone else there, standing at the sinks.

"Hey." Lexaeus said calmly, clearly not startled by my sudden appearance. I had no idea how he managed to never be surprised. I relaxed; Lexaeus wasn't going to bust me, especially since he was out wandering about too.

"Couldn't sleep?" He turned off the water and half-smiled at my reflection in the mirror.

"You could say something like that." He walked passed me and out the door. Not knowing else to do, I followed him back into the hallway.

"What do you think is up with this weather anyway?" Thunder boomed, vibrating more than the windows this time.

"I don't know, it doesn't make much sense." Lexaeus said as we rounded the corner into his hallway. A nurse hurried and either didn't see us or decided she didn't want to. The murmur and sound of voices was a lot louder than it had been when I had left my room a few minutes earlier.

Lexaeus opened his door and I followed, flopping down on his bed and staring out the window. He got lucky with the view from his room. The rooms in my hall faced the building next to it, the sky and street only visible if you craned your neck. Lexaeus' hall, however, faced the street and one of the town's small plazas, so he could at least people watch when he didn't have anything else to do.

The plaza was unsurprisingly empty, given that it was nearing two in the morning and it was raining harder than hell outside. Lexaeus sat down in his desk chair, staring out the window too. "Normally, I don't mind rain, but this storm is utterly ridiculous. It doesn't even thunder storm this hard in the spring most of the time."

"Hollow Bastion used to not be as rainy of a place." I agreed, squinting against the almost now constant flashes of lightning. I was about to turn away, when something in the clouds caught my eye. Somewhat ways away in the distance, the clouds were swirling tightly together. They weren't moving very fast, but they were starting to swirl downwards, picking up speed.

"Hey Lex, you don't think that there could be a…" The door swung open, cutting me off. A harried nurse stood in the door way, her eyes frantic.

"We have an emergency situation right now." She said, her eyes flickering in between us. "We need all of the patients to calmly but quickly move to the basement in as formal of a matter as possible." She raised her voice to be heard over the thunder. "Please stay close me or your hall's other nurse!" She spun around, opening the next door over. I followed Lexaeus out into the hallway and the increasing chaos. People were starting to mill about out of their rooms, some confused, some starting to panic.

"Shit, they are going to notice if I'm gone." I left Lexaeus in the growing mayhem, pushing my way towards the stairs. People were appearing in front of my out of nowhere, as if they were popping out of the wood work. By the time I reached my floor, getting to my hall was impossible. Organized chaos was ensuing, people pushing around me in all directions. Nurses were yelling to be heard over the thunder. I stretched my neck, trying to locate a yellow dress.

"Luxord!" I turned around, expecting to see an impatient moderator, but instead came face to face with Demyx.

"What are you doing here kid? Your floor isn't anywhere near this one!" Demyx looked around over my shoulder, apparently not listening.

"What?" He raised his voice, leaning closer to hear me.

"I said, what the hell are you…"

"Look! Axel!" Demyx latched onto my arm and pulled me away, against the wave of people making their way towards the staircase.

Sure enough Axel was standing close to the elevator, looking lost. His floor wasn't anywhere near this one either. Most people took no notice of us, looking like insane dinosaurs running back towards the meteor shower.

"Look, both of you probably should go back to your floors and go find your nurses at least." I said as we came up next to Axel.

"I know where my nurse is, but she told me to wait here for some reason." Axel huffed, looking annoyed.

"Have you seen anybody else?" Demyx asked, looking around at the passing faces.

"No one besides Lex, I left him in his hall." Axel just shook his head as a nurse wearing a red dress appeared next to him with what looked like a maid's cart filled mainly with pill bottles.

"Oh Axel dear thank you for waiting!" She pushed the cart next to him. "I know I can trust you to do this for me. Now, I tried to get at least one or two bottles of every kind of medicine, so hopefully everyone who needs some will be covered until the storm passes." She picked up a few bottles idly and set them back down as she talked. "I have to go help move the other patients. Just take this cart down the elevator to the basement, will you?" She focused on Demyx and me. "Oh good you two can help him." She patted Axel on the shoulder and continued on to help the other nurses.

Axel froze, watching the nurse hustle away and disappear into the crowd. Demyx looked confused, glancing between Axel and the spot where the nurse had disappeared. I grabbed the handles of the cart, spinning it around to face the elevator. "Well come on then, let's go so we can get the hell out of here." Demyx ran ahead of me and pushed the button on the elevator, looking expectantly back at Axel, who was now looking at us with an unreadable expression.

"Come on Axel, let's go." He just stood there, shaking his head, arms crossed over his chest. The elevator dinged barely audible over the screaming wind. I pushed the cart over to Demyx. "Don't let the door close." I pushed my way back to Axel, getting behind him and shoving him forward. "We really got to go damn it." He dug his heels into the floor like a four year old. I pushed harder, causing him to stumble forward. Demyx was already in the elevator, holding the doors open with his arm. Finally, I got him in, Demyx yanking his arm back and pushing the door close button before Axel could try and jump out. As soon as the door closed, he pushed the B button and the elevator rattle to life, shaking slightly like it had a few centuries under its belt.

"What the hell is your problem?" I turned to face Axel, who was staring hard at the close elevator doors. The lights flickered slightly as the elevator made its way slowly down towards the basement.

"We shouldn't have taken the elevator." He said, never taking his eyes off the doors.

"We kind of had to." Demyx said from the corner where he had promptly huddled after the elevator started moving. The elevator shook harder and slowed down, even though we were only on the third floor.

"We're going to get stuck in this damn thing!" He lurched forward suddenly, pushing the 2nd floor button. The elevator screeched loudly, all of us covering our ears. Faintly, the elevator dinged and started to slow to a stop. It shuttered violently as the lights finally gave up and flickered out. The doors whined as they rattled open. Axel's sudden stabbing of the button had caused the elevator to finally break, just as he had feared. We stood in silence in the darkness, staring in belief at the dark wall filling the elevator doors. The elevator had missed the second floor, but seemed to have found its final stop. The noises of frantic nurses and patients were loud, filling the small space. The lights flickered back on, revealing the second floor. The elevator had opened just a few yards below the actual stopping point. Half of the exit was filled with solid floor, but a big space was left on top, showing the dingy chairs and plants that stood by the elevator door.

Demyx and I were still partly stunned by the bizarreness of the situation, but Axel wasted no time. He was stuffing pill bottles as fast as he could into his pockets. When they were full he spun and around and launched himself out of the hole, barely having to hoist himself up, landing on his stomach and glancing back frantically at us.

"Come on damn it, before it breaks and drops!" He yelled over the noise. I filled my own pockets will bottles, but it was impossible to be able to take them all. Demyx filled his too, looking almost as frantic as Axel. I pulled myself through the hole, lacking Axel's ability and adrenaline rush to jump effortlessly through. Demyx followed quickly behind, spinning around in a frantic circle in the middle of the hall when he was out.

"I have to find Zexion!" He cried, standing on his toes to look over people's heads.

"There is no way in hell you can find him in all of this, especially with how short he is!" Demyx and Axel both were starting to piss me off; and make me feel incredibly old. People pushed passed us, acting like we weren't even there.

"But…but…" Demyx stammered, lost for words as he continued to pointlessly search the hall. Thunder clapped loudly overhead, vibrating the windows.

"Come on kid! He's probably in the basement already, and if we don't hurry, we'll never know!" The wind picked up again harder than I've ever heard it howl. Somewhere down the hall glass shattered. A nurse finally noticed us standing awkwardly in the middle of the mayhem.

"Come with me, quickly! Don't panic, it will be okay!" She said, firmly pulling Demyx and ushering Axel and I in front of her. The number of people in the hallway had thinned to nothing. We were the only four left.

Demyx latched onto my arm and pulled me back to him. "You and Zexion are both in the yellow hall right? Did you see him?" His eyes were wide and more frantic than before.

I sighed, annoyed and stretched thin. Seriously, the little genius was fine. "No, I wasn't in my room. I was at Lexaeus'."

"What if he isn't down there?" We rounded the corner of the staircase, large hail chunks were now raining down outside. The lights went back out on our way down the stairs; and didn't come back on this time. I shoved my hands in my pockets, trying to keep the pill bottles from spilling out. I don't know what the hell I had grabbed, but I bet I could sell it all on a street corner and have enough to bribe myself out of here, maybe even buy a house with a funny shaped pool. That is how you know when someone is loaded.

We hit the bottom of the staircase near the doors to the courtyard, pulling me back to reality. The noise was deafening on the main floor, being how open it was and with all the windows. Whoever designed this place must have done that on purpose, to disguise how cramped the other floors were.

The nurse yelled something, but all I saw was her lips moving silently. We followed her across the hall and down a small corridor and around about fifty corners until we came to the basement I had had no idea even existed. The small space of the hall muffled the outside noise, so it was easy to hear the mull of voices rising from beyond the door. The nurse pulled it open, just as the backup lights flickered to life from the emergency generator. We started down the stairs, towards the mass of chaos. Nurses and moderators were yelling, trying to organize everyone by ward, and then by hall.

"There is our ward." Axel pointed towards the farther most corner. Sure enough, I caught a glimpse of Saix's unmistakable hair. The nurse in the red from before appeared suddenly just as we reached to bottom of the stairs.

"Oh thank goodness!" Tears were welling up in her eyes. "I should have never sent you in that elevator! It could have crashed!" She continued to babble, continuously thanking the nurse who had found us. I started pulling pill bottles out of my pockets, holding them out to the nurses. Axel followed suit; but Demyx was oblivious and once again uselessly scanning the crowd again. The nurse in red called over some moderators and handed them the bottles.

"Well, let's get you to ward shall we?" She guided us through the crowd that was slowly starting to get organized into jumbles, gently pushing her way passed patients. When we finally reached the back corner, everyone was mostly separated into hallways, seeing that at least most of them had somewhat of a mental capacity to remember who they shared a hall with and what color it was. The nurse wearing yellow looked sternly at me, as if I had gone to the bathroom right before a fire drill. Demyx was about to have a mild heart attack at the blue nurse motioned him over to her line of people. He tugged anxiously on my sleeve.

"Luxord, find Zexion for me, will you?" I shook him off my arm. "Yea yea sure, just let go." He obeyed, freeing my sleeve and allowing his feet to drag him over to the nurse calling to him. Reluctantly I made my own feet shuffle over to my own nurse, who opted not to say anything and just recount heads. I made my way to the back of the line, where conveniently Zexion was leaning against the wall, arms crossed over his chest, looking extremely irritated. When he spotted me, he scowled.

"What? Did I do something?" I held up my hands in mock surrender. He just narrowed his eyes at me.

"No, I suppose not, I'm just angered in general." He dropped the scowl and looked away.

"That makes two of us. It took me a hell of a lot of time to get down here because of your lover boy." Zexion's eyes slowly rose to meet mine.

"What do you mean?" Thunder echoed his words. Even though we were in the basement, it was still easy to hear.

"He had to scan every face and constantly ask if I had seen you. Even when we finally got down here he asked me to look for you." I leaned my head against the wall, exhaustion finally starting to catch up to me as the adrenaline I didn't even know was pumping through my veins wore off.

Zexion was silent for a moment. I closed my eyes, trying to block out the noise around me.

"Is…he okay?" I sighed loudly, pushing my hands against my eyes.

"He is as good as vodka shot on a Saturday night." I didn't even try to mask the biting sarcasm. I was tired and on the verge of throwing a tantrum like a five-year-old. Luckily Zexion had enough brains to shut up and keep to himself, though I could feel his annoyance with me. Fine, let him be annoyed. Personally, I didn't give a shit who was or wasn't mad at me, especially right now.

* * *

"I never thought this food could look more disgusting than usual, but there it is." Xigbar pushed the eggs around on his plate. "I don't want to look at anything right now but a pillow." I mumbled my agreement, too tired to form words. I didn't think it was possible to function this sleep deprived. We were finally allowed to return to our rooms at about seven, once the radio deemed that it was safe to come out. Apparently a tornado had touched down less than a mile away, but wasn't close enough or strong enough to do much damage besides break a few windows and fell a few trees; oh and break the elevator. I had gone straight to bed, falling asleep almost immediately for once, just to be awoken less than two hours later, by a nurse with the morning shift who was way to perky for my liking. I had thrown my pillow at her, insisting that I liked sleep a hell of a lot more than food. But she wouldn't buy it, and wouldn't even accept my plea that I did not feel good and that I should go to the hospital wing. I hated that wing, but hell, sleep was encouraged there and that was what I really needed.

Everyone else was feeling the strain to stay awake too. Besides Xigbar's comment, everyone was silent, including Larxene who normally would have jumped at the chance to rattle someone's nerves. I wanted to confront Axel about his freak out about the elevator, but I didn't have the energy to whip up some sarcasm.

Not having the strength to do anything else, I stared off into space, letting my mind wander. Dulor shifted into my train of thought. He hadn't been around much lately, which kind of worried me, and I'm not one to worry. He had been there last night, briefly if I remembered right, but he hadn't said a word and had just left. And he hadn't been around at all for the past few days or so. As much as I hated to admit it, I missed him. He had been a constant presence for so long life felt….wrong without him there. Maybe they were doing what they were supposed to here. Maybe I was starting to…not believe in him. Like a kid who starts to forget about Santa Clause, making Christmas just a little bit duller every year. My stomach clenched at the thought. He couldn't just disappear like that, because he wasn't something like an imaginary friend or the tooth fairy. When I was young and learned that these things weren't real, life moved on. But I didn't know what life would be like without Dulor.

_He's real. Just because he isn't something everyone else can see, it doesn't make him any less real. _I reassured myself. I was thinking so hard that I didn't realize everyone else hadn't gotten up. Axel swiped his hand back and forth in front of my face.

"Helloooo, earth to Luxord!" I grabbed his hand and pushed it away.

"Yea, yea." I grumbled, scooting my chair back. I walked around him, hell bent on getting to my bed as fast as possible. Screw any sessions I had. My mind was so bogged down with the thought of sleep; I wouldn't any more useful than a zombie.

As much as I wanted to get to my bed, I couldn't get my feet to move fast enough. Every step seemed heavier than the first, and I had to concentrate to just put one foot in front of the other. It was a huge relief when the bright spot of yellow appeared ahead of me. I focused on it, trying to keep my eyes straight ahead. It felt like the floor was tipping.

I reached my hand out towards my door knob, only inches from touching it, when there was a voice calling to me from the end of the hallway.

"Luxord! Did you forget about you're appointment with Dr. Dunbar this morning?" The too-perky nurse. I spun around slowly to face her.

"I think I'm going to have to miss it today. I do not feel well." I tried to keep my words smooth, like how Marluxia talked; but I couldn't pull it off like he did. He could have convinced the nurse in a heartbeat that he could skip his appointment.

Unfortunately, I wasn't the damn boy.

"Now now, I'm sure you are fine. We will take you to the hospital wing after your appointment." She crossed over to me, heels clicking lightly on the floor. I flinched at the noise. Sleep deprivation made it too loud. She latched onto my arm and determinedly started to pull me away from my sanctuary. Trying to pull away was useless. It was embarrassing to admit that right now that nurse had more strength than I did. By a lot.

I glanced back at the door, groaning as it got farther and farther away. I never thought I was yearn so bad for that yellow door.

* * *

**So this is probably one of my least favorite chapters in this story :( I don't know why but I just couldn't figure out how I wanted to word things and dialogue. So I apologize for its suckiness. The next few chapters will get better I promise!**


	9. Love Me Dead

**The song I picked is so-so. But I couldn't find a better one.**

**

* * *

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**Chapter 9**

_Love Me Dead_

_(Axel)_

* * *

_You're a faith-healer on T.V., You're an office park without any trees, corporate and cold, gushing for gold, Leave me alone. You suck so passionately. You're a parasitic, psycho, filthy creature finger-bangin' my heart. You call me up drunk, does the fun ever start?-Ludo_

* * *

"I need to get out of here." I paced back and forth, trying to keep from self-combusting.

"Oh hush, you'll be fine." Ela tsk-tsked like an old house wife and rolled his eyes.

"Is Radiant Garden as bad as Hollow Bastion is?" I flopped down on the floor, grinding my forehead into the plush red carpet.

"Of course." I waited for him to deliberate, but was met only by silence. I hated when he left out details.

"I bet it isn't." I raised my head and placed my chin in my hand, studying him sprawled out across my bed; his longish hair cut in dramatic layers fanned out across the pillow.

"You'd be surprised." He stared straight up at the ceiling, ignoring my narrowed eyes. I wasn't in the mood to deal with him always having to one-up everything I said.

"Yea, well I have to deal with an insane group of thirteen crazy lunatics everyday and nurses treating me like a child. I'm a high school graduate damn it!" I let my head fall out of my hand.

"Yea? Well I have to deal with the same thirteen lunatics, just their other halves." His voice rose. I turned my head to look at him. He was looking back. Good, I finally had gotten a rise out of him.

"Oh come on they can't be as bad as my halves." I kept my tone light, just to grate deeper onto his nerves. It worked.

"Oh yea? Name one, just one." He widened his eyes at me with the challenge.

I thought for a moment. "Okay; Marluxia."

"What's wrong with him?"

"He's got an air about him that makes him seem pompous. And he is kind of creepy sometimes and always wants to be in charge, like that little kid in preschool who always wanted to be the mother when you played house so they could boss everyone else around."

Ela didn't miss a beat. "Lumaria. He over-thinks and over worries about every single, thing. And he is…flamboyant is the best way to describe it. He is airy and is always, it seems, on the verge of tears. Marly this; Mar that; I'm worried/concerned/discontent with Marluxia. There is only so much a person can take."

"Lumaria can't be the only one who talks about his others."

"Yes, but that is ALL he talks about. I'm sure I know more about Marluxia than you do." He kept staring straight at me. "Give me another."

I stopped myself from answering right away. Shifting through the names in my head, trying to pinpoint a good one.

"Vexen. He is insane, which I guess is fit for this place, and his temper is so bad I'm pretty sure he is going to self-combust one day." Ela answered right away again, like he didn't even have to think.

"Even. The most egotistical bastard I've ever met. Everyone and everything is inferior to him. He is almost always clam, like he knows he is so superior nothing can rile him up. And he hardly ever leaves as much as the others."

"Why not?"

"He and Vexen apparently don't prefer each other's company more than is necessary." He sat up.

"Oh." Ela seemed to be calming back down, his voice lowering farther and farther down the rant scale. "You give me one this time."

"Fine, Isa. He seems fine, just fine all the time. He is always on time and if you don't think the same way as him, you are automatically wrong. I hate that. And he always is on time, exactly on time."

"Really? That doesn't sound too much like Saix." For whatever reason, his anger shot right back up. I wasn't even trying this time.

"We are not carbon copies of each other Axel. Look at us, are we perfectly the same?" I studied him, his hair that fell down sharply upon itself in layers, his eyes brown instead of green. We were different, inside and out.

"No, so I guess you're right." His expression softened from sour to annoyed. "Okay, here is another. Sora." A pang hit my stomach unexpectedly. "What about him?"

"He is so easy-going, sometimes it makes me sick. And everyone goes to him for everything."

"So you don't like him because he is…nice?" I furrowed my eyebrows at him, dreading the question I knew was coming.

"He is nice to such an annoying level it is trying and wears on more than just me." He cocked his head slightly. "What about Roxas?"

Shit. I tore away from his cold stare. I struggled to come up with a lie he couldn't see through. None of my lies had ever gotten passed him.

"Well? Come on Axel, I thought we were comparing the negatives here. You said you lived in hell with all of them, so I want to hear about every single detail."

"….Okay so maybe they aren't all half bad."

There was a long silence, Ela trying to process what I had just told him. "So you're saying you like this one; he is a friend." His voice was dangerously flat. I could hear what was coming.

"Yea, I guess he is." The casualness in my voice was strained and he caught it easily.

"More than that. More than a friend." The flat tone fell off.

"Come on Ela…" But he was beyond listening.

"You love him. You're in love with this blonde-haired punk." He balled his hands up into fists.

"Why does it matter Ela? Besides I never said I loved him!" My voice rose to match his. I couldn't figure out what his issue was. It wasn't like he was my lover; he was my other. He should have been happy for me, or at least not angry.

"Because you've done this before! And last time, you started to be so infatuated with him, I started to fade! To _fade_!" He shot to his feet. "You started to forget me!" I glanced at the door, fearing the nurses would hear him.

"It wasn't like that…" My voice dropped back down. I stared at the leg of the bed. I didn't want to remember that. He was right. I had started to think about him less and less, stopped wanting him to visit, ignoring him when he did. I was always gone or in a rush. And in the end, it was all for nothing and I ended up needing Ela more than ever; and I had vowed not to ever let it happen again.

"Yes it was and you know it." He clenched his fists tighter, his knuckles turning white.

"Ela stop! Someone is going to hear you!" I hissed, glancing at the door again.

"You don't care about me. Not like you used to." His voice slipped down to a dangerous whisper.

"Of course I care about you!"

"Oh you do, do you?" He stared hard at me. "Prove it. Get rid of this mousy little kid."

My stomach twisted. "I can't Ela." I looked up at him. He stared right through me.

"Why not?" The sudden change in his tone worried me. It was suddenly so soft and…sad.

"Because he is…important to me."

"Is he more important than me?" His voice was hard again, as if he was going to cry, even though I knew he wouldn't.

"No. You are both important to me."

"But he is _more_ important than me! Don't lie to me Axel! I can see right through you!" I stood up so we were at eye level.

"Come on, don't get like this!" He turned away, refusing to look me in the eye.

"You'll see. You will see what it really is like without me." He caught my eyes and held them. "I'm not an imaginary friend you can just wish away and back whenever you want. Once you imagine me away, it's for good. And we're more connected than you think. Even though no one else sees me, I'm as real as you. Maybe Radiant Garden is real, and Hollow Bastion is the made up fantasy land hmm?" He got so close our noses were almost touching before he pulled sharply back.

"Come on Ela don't…" He moved suddenly, darting to the side. By the time I turned, he was gone. "…leave." I finished, staring blankly at where he had been, feeling oddly empty and alone.

* * *

"What's wrong with you?" I looked up at Marluxia, who was studying me, looking kind of bored.

"Why do you care?" It had been four days since Ela had left. They had been the longest four days of my life.

"Because you just haven't been lacing everything with sarcasm and unnecessary laughter lately." He smiled innocently at me, doing even that with grace. I knew he was taking advantage of my down state of mind. Damn he got on my nerves.

"Is it because you are still upset about riding the elevator?" Luxord asked from Marluxia's side. I shot him the evil eye, which he ignored. The smile that crossed his face wasn't as graceful as Marluxia's.

"No! Damn can't I have a bad day once in awhile?" Everyone was watching me now. Roxas narrowed his eyes at me, looking a little concerned. I had been avoiding him as much as possible since Ela left, but he hadn't returned once. I tried to trick myself into believing I didn't care about Ela. After all, without him I had a huge chance to get out of here.

"You still haven't told me why yet." Luxord pressed.

"I don't like fucking elevators okay? You don't freak out on Demyx about fearing string."

"Hey!" Demyx protested next to me. "I have a good reason for that!"

"Yea? So do I! I watched that Twilight Zone when I was little before I even knew what an elevator was. That is a damn good reason!

"Yea sure." Luxord waved it off, clearly enjoying his games. Damn him and is love of games, especially those in the mind category. "Demyx is understandable because he has a phobia. A diagnosed condition. You don't have a phobia, you have an irrational fear."

"It is not irrational! Hell, the thing BROKE while we were in it! If the doors hadn't opened we would have been stuck in there for who knows how long! And it probably would have fallen. It's logical." Xemnas raised an eyebrow. Larxene snickered. Roxas' concerned frown deepened.

"But even before it broke, you refused to go in it, even if you were on the top floor and had group session in two minutes." Everyone seemed content to let Luxord continue to interrogate me. No one was going to come to my side. Not even Roxas.

"Well the only time I did, it broke." I glanced back at the clock.

"True, but that was just one time. It has never broken before. And that was during a tornado."

"Oh for shit's sake will you just let go already?" I exploded, my voice loud enough that several monitors turned to look at us. "What is your obsession with it?"

"Face it Axel, you give people shit constantly, and you can't take it when it is aimed back at you." Lexaeus' sudden break of his normal stony silence surprised several people including me, diminishing the retort I had prepared for Luxord.

"Fuck you." Was the first thing that came out of my mouth, the only thing that would come to my mind.

"Nice comeback." Marluxia scoffed. I glared at him and he glared right back.

"Can we just drop it?" Zexion hissed. "You are attracting attention and we have enough of that already."

"Yes sir." Luxord mock saluted him, finally looking away from me. Everyone looked away in random directions, save for Roxas, whose gaze continued to linger just a little bit longer that everyone else. As soon as I looked down in his eyes he looked away. Hmmm. Maybe Ela had been a little right.

_No, Roxas just thinks you don't want him to save you. And you don't. You can take care of yourself._ I had been talking to myself a lot since Ela left.

_Talking to yourself is the first sign of insanity._ I ignored my inner voice. I was pretty sure I was passed that.

A monitor walked by slowly giving us all a long hard look. Larxene snorted as Xemnas and Saix exchanged a look that lasted just a little too long. They had been closer than normal lately, if that was possible. Marluxia hadn't seemed to have noticed.

Somehow the nurses and staff had finally caught on that we were up to something, even though it was nothing serious like a mass break-out, which I still thought was a hell of a good idea.

"Absolutely not." Xemnas had said at the time we had brought it up.

"Aw why not? We could run away to some rural world. It would be sweet." I persisted.

"Word would spread across the worlds of thirteen insane asylum patients on the loose. It would not be good or easy. We would end up living in forests eating bugs." His voice was firm, with a finalizing tone. After that, the subject had pretty much died. But I know everyone still thought about it like I did.

But now we weren't planning anything massive or serious; maybe just not being in bed at bed time or not eating our vegetables.

"Xemnas, would you come here for a second please?" A nurse appeared by the edge of the table, studying us. Xemnas put on his best innocent, confused face and followed the nurse out the door. We all watched after them, wondering if he will come back or not.

"What's going on?" Roxas asked a question he knew no one would answer. Everyone remained silent, still gazing off in random directions, glancing constantly back at the door.

And suddenly lunch was over. People were being rounded-up by hall color. We stood up and walked away from each other one by one or in twos, still no one had anything to say. Xemnas had never reappeared. I looked briefly back at Roxas as I left, but he wasn't looking at me. I looked away just as his head turned in my direction.

* * *

"They're onto us." Xemnas said later when he had finally been spotted again and we had all gathered in his room, sneaking into it in small groups.

"But we aren't doing anything wrong." Vexen snorted.

"They think we are. They finally caught on that we are all in the same department, and that we seem to be the only ones here with minor intelligence." Xemnas continued, his expression concerned. "They are going to start trying to split us up, keep us apart."

"What good would that do? We've already figured out how to be under their radar and go where we want in here, except for breaking out…which I still think…" Xemnas cut me off.

"Save it Axle." I huffed at him. Bastard. I hated when he refused to listen to me and cut me off.

"Where's Namine?" Larxene suddenly cut in, her radar must have been going off. She was always keeping tabs on her.

"She's gone." Xemnas said, waving it off like it was nothing.

"What? Why?" Roxas suddenly sat up. I had made a point to childishly pick a spot away from him, even if it meant being between Vexen and Saix.

"She asked for a transfer. Being the quiet little sweet-looking girl she is, she got it."

Larxene cackled cruelly. "Looks like I'm the only bitch in town now." She paused, looking over at Marluxia. "Unless of course, you want to contest against that." Marluxia narrowed his eyes at her, but for once chose wisely to not reply. He could be a drama magnet.

"Oh shut up will you?" Saix snapped. He bristled.

"Careful, you are going to start getting grey hairs flying off the handle like that darling." Larxene batted her lashes, completely unfazed.

"The point is, Namine got out while she could. This place sucks, and none of us here possess the charm little Namine had. We're stuck with each other, and as much as I hate to admit it, I would rather be stuck with…_most_ of you than the other patients here." Xigbar said, turning the conversation away from Larxene.

"I think I'm losing it. I swear I saw a circus ringleader at the end of the hallway a few days ago eating something that looked bloody and laughing." All other conversation came to a sputtering halt.

"Demyx….that is disturbing." Xemnas said as we all stared at him. Demyx shrank slightly back against the wall.

"It is just what I saw. Maybe it's just my new medication." He went quiet. The room was horribly still for a moment.

"Oh leave him alone. We all see things don't act like any of you haven't in your lives." Xigbar spoke up, surprisingly coming to Demyx's rescue.

"Alright can we change the subject now?" Larxene shifted her position, looking uncomfortable.

* * *

"Axel, can I talk to you?" Demyx grabbed my elbow just as I was headed to my room after dinner that night.

"Yea, sure." He followed me into my room, sitting down on the bed and immediately started picking at the threads in the comforter. He looked up at me, his eyes full of confusion and what looked like a little bit of fear.

"What's wrong?" I figured something must be wrong with Zexion, or Demyx would have gone to him.

He hesitated. "Well, it's about what I said earlier in Xemnas' room." He started off slow, concentrating a little too hard on picking at the threads.

"About the freaky thing you hallucinated?" He nodded, still refusing to look up at me. I pressed on when he didn't elaborate. "What about it?"

"Well I'm pretty sure I was just seeing things, you know how you see things out of the corner of your eye, but what bothered me the most about it is the guy looked like, well he looked sort of like you." He looked up at me suddenly, the fear in his eyes becoming more prominent.

"Like me?" I was stunned, too taken aback for words.

"Yea only kind of different; his hair wasn't the exactly the same, and his voice was different, but it was almost like he could be your brother or maybe your…" Demyx stopped talking, letting it sink in.

"Like maybe he was my other." I finished, having to hear the words out loud. It couldn't have been Ela. There was no way in hell. First off, only I could see him. It had been that way my entire life. On top of that, he had been missing for days now, and I knew he had absolutely no reason to dress up like a circus leader and scare the shit out of Demyx. No way.

"Come on Dem; don't try to pull a fast one on me." He looked up at me again, his expression so serious I immediately dropped the notion that he was joking.

"I'm not kidding Axel. It has been bothering me ever since and I had to tell you. Have you seen Ela lately?" His voice cracked. "Myde said he hasn't left at all for a few days, and he's been acting weird."

"I haven't seen him at all in the past couple of days. But that couldn't have been him. Ela wouldn't do something like that." I was trying to convince myself more than Demyx, who looked like he couldn't be convinced anyway.

He stood up, his eyes filled with concern now. "I'm going to go Axel; I need to talk to Myde." He left quickly, leaving me staring sightlessly at the wall.

_No, no. Ela wouldn't do that. He couldn't. He has much more sense than that. I'm the crazy one in this partnership. _I turned to look out the window, staring at the harsh light from the street lamp that always flooded across the bottom of my bed. It had gotten dark. How long had I been just sitting here. I reached over and turned on my lamp, suddenly feeling creeped out.

_Stop. You don't have anything to be afraid of. That's stupid. _Nonetheless, I got up and opened the door and checked down the hall. It was busy with nurses checking on patients, making sure everything was in working order for the night. _The night. _I closed the door again, pressing my back against it.

"Ela." I called out to the silence that was pierced only by the distant sounds from the outside world. A dog was barking somewhere.

"Ela we need to talk." I tried again, scanning my room for any shivers of light moving, the usual sign he was showing up if I could catch it at the right time. I was met by silence again. I waited, counting thirteen breathes in and out before I tried again.

"Please Ela I need you." I was surprised by the how much pleading was in my voice. My heart was pounding, blood rushing passed my ears. I waited. I counted to two hundred. I named all the colors I knew. I attempted to count how many times I thought one of Vexen's arteries was going to explode. Still nothing. The dog outside had stopped barking. I collapsed on my bed, not bothering to turn the light off. I pulled the covers up as high as they would go, closing my eyes and forcing them to stay shut. I concentrated on my breathing, trying to slow it down. Eventually, I could feel unconsciousness grabbing at the corners of my mind. Gratefully, I latched onto them, eager to let sleep wash away the stupid fear and uneasiness.

* * *

I woke up suddenly, jumping so hard that I whacked my foot against the bed board. I twisted, discovering that I was tangled up in the sheets and comforter. I thrashed around, making it worse, eager to get the images from the dream out of my head. Someone had come in and turned off my light. I reached out blindly in the dark, fumbling with the switch. My hand finally connected and harsh light filled the room. Fighting to get my breathing back to normal I sat up, untangling myself from the sheets as calmly as possible with my hands.

I glanced around the room, the familiar surroundings shoving back the vestiges of the dream. It had been so livid. Roxas had been standing on a beach, picking up seashells and throwing the ones he didn't want into the ocean. I had been trying to catch up to him, but the sand was making it impossible for me to move at anything faster than painful slow motion. The sky above was getting incredibly dark, the clouds swirling around, purple and onyx. I tried to call out to him, but he didn't seem to hear me. Finally he stopped, staring at something off an island out in the ocean. I turned to look, but nothing was there. I turned back to Roxas, who was now watching the foam from the ocean waves that lapped at his feet. With each swell, the foam turned redder, streaking the sand macabre colors. He turned to look at me finally, just as a gigantic wave crashed down, sending Roxas down with it into the bloody foam.

And now I was staring around my little room of red, taking in the desk, the shelves, the tiny closet that held my few belongings. A dream; that was all. A stupid nightmare, like I used to have when I was a little kid. Of course then when I woke up Ela was always there to reassure me it wasn't real.

I shook him from my thought, throwing the twisted covers back and getting up to try my door knob handle, expecting it to be locked. Instead the knob twisted easily underneath my hand. I took it as good luck and padded down the hall to the bathroom. The hall was empty, as it should be at whatever time it was.

I pushed the door to the bathroom open, squinting against the bright lights. The cool water against my face was refreshing, making me feel more like myself and not like the lost pathetic thing that I had been for the past couple of days. I was about to turn around and head back to bed when a voice suddenly blocked out the noise of the buzzing lights. But the new voice was sobbing uncontrollably. I tensed, my hear t beating out of my chest. Quickly I glanced around the bathroom, finally spotting someone huddled in the corner, head down on their knees.

I recognized that hair anywhere. But then again, it was much darker, a little shorter, and fell in a different pattern across the person's back. My heart slowed down a little, but I could still feel it threatening to break a few ribs.

"Marluxia?" I ventured. It couldn't be him. I had never seen him cry much less sob and hide in a corner. But then again, there wasn't anyone else it could be. Unless…no it was impossible.

The person's head shot up, eyes accusing and full of fire. I fell back a step.

"Leave Marluxia alone!" Nope, definitely not him anymore. Whoever it was held my eyes, their gaze harsh. "Who are you?" Before I could answer he did for me. "Oh wait, I know you. Axel; Ela is pretty upset with you isn't he?" His smirk was cold and cruel, a hint that there was some Marluxia in him.

"The question here is who the hell are you?" A took a few steps back toward him, confident now. He didn't stand up, but he never let his eyes drift from mine.

"Lumaria." I stopped in my tracks.

"Wait, no. There is no way. I can't see you. Nobody but Marluxia can." My mind flashed on what Demyx had told me earlier about seeing Ela.

"You're talking to me aren't you? Or are you losing your mind?" He laughed. His laugh was higher pitched than Marluxia's. "That's funny. Losing your mind in a mental institution." He continued laughing, leaving me to stare and him, my jaw on the floor.

"Seriously. Why the hell can I see you? This is freaking me the fuck out!" I started yelling, backing up until my back was pressed against the sink counter. He stood up, walking towards me, stopping about ten feet away.

"Listen, I can't really explain that to you. It's complicated. But I need you to do something for me." His voice was kind, like we were having a normal conversation about a golf tournament that happened last Sunday.

I could feel my hands start to shake. As he stared at me, blood had started to trickle down from one of his temples. He continued on, as if nothing was happening. "Could you watch Saix for me? He is up to no good, and I have a bad feeling that he is up to something." The blood was practically gushing now, covering the left side of his face, flowing past his lips when he talked.

"I know Marluxia can seem tough, but Saix could really do something to him." He wiped blood away from his eye as if it was just rain droplets. Blood was coming from other places now. It started to puddle on the floor between us.

I couldn't stand it anymore. I started screaming. I just closed my eyes and screamed, willing Lumaria away. I kept screaming until my throat started to feel raw. I never opened my eyes, fearing what would be there if I did.

Suddenly someone was shaking me, firm hands grabbing my shoulders. "Axel!" The shaking continued. "Axel!" I knew that voice. It was deep, sort of gruff. I opened my eyes. Xaldin was looking right back, his face a mask of confusion. Two nurses and Dr. Dunbar were standing behind him along with a monitor, staring at me too. Lumaria wasn't there. I looked frantically at the floor. No blood.

I suddenly felt dizzy, falling forward and clutching onto Xaldin's arm for support. I coughed, instantly realizing it was a mistake. My throat burned. I lowered myself onto the floor, delighted by the feeling of the cold linoleum on my cheek. The world faded blissfully out, the voices of the nurses and Dunbar fading away like wisps of smoke.

* * *

When I opened my eyes again, a pair of deep chocolate eyes were staring back.

"Humph." Ela said, pulling away and sitting down on the side of the bed. "I knew you needed me." I looked at him, soaking in his image. I looked around, figuring out that I was in the hospital wing.

"Where were you?" I asked. My throat smarted. Suddenly the whole scene in the bathroom came rushing back. "Wait! Why were you dressed like a ringleader and eating something bloody and freaking the hell out of Demyx a few days ago?" Ela looked at me, his eyes soft.

"What are you talking about?" He asked, sounding like a concerned parent. Only once or twice in my life had he ever sounded this concerned before.

"Demyx saw you. It had to be you. And I saw Lumaria in the bathroom. He talked to me. He was crying, and then he told me to watch Saix for him and then he started to gush blood everywhere, and then when I started screaming he was gone." I paused for breath. "He was there Ela. I know he was. Just like Demyx knows he saw you."

Ela reached out and patted my forehead. "Go back to sleep Axel."

"No. "I pushed his hand away. "I have to know. Why could Demyx see you, and why were you acting so insane? And why could I see Lumaria?" Ela placed his hands in his lap.

"Some things Axel, I cannot explain to you. I can't tell you." He looked at me again, his expression sad and full of regret. "Some of the things that are happening and are going to happen have no meaning. But some of them, they will mean more than any of you expect."

* * *


	10. Savior

**Chapter 10**

_Savior_

_(Marluxia)_

* * *

_That' s when she said I don't hate you boy, I just want to save you while there's still something left to save. That's when I told her I love you girl but I'm not the answer to the questions that you still have, one thousand miles away. There's nothing left to say, but so much left that I don't know. We never had a choice, this world is too much noise. It takes me under, it takes me under once again. -Rise Against_

* * *

Air shot up out of the vent behind me, sending a chill down my spine. I leaned back against it, the cold welcome. It was February, meaning that the heat was turned up to an unbearable temperature in the damned building. Everyone who wandered the halls everyday around me must have been cold-blooded. No one else seemed to be bothered by the unbearable warmth. In fact, most of them seemed to welcome it.

I found my vent one day during the summer while I was literally crawling across the floor trying to find cold. The vent was back in a corner where two walls met, with two shabby bookcases in the lounge leaning against either wall. Sitting in it I wasn't exactly hidden, but I could be seen from only one half of the room. When winter and the heaters struck, I discovered that my vent still gave off cold air. I didn't think anything of it, didn't try to figure out why it did. I simply embraced it, leaning back against the corner. Usually, most people left me alone when I was there, shrinking back as far back as I could into what little shadow there was.

I watched Vexen from my spot, sitting at his usual place at one of the rickety card tables, flipping through a book that was losing its cover. He was such a creature of habit. By now he must have gone through all the books here thrice, there weren't very many and he spent almost his entire time in here looking through one of them.

He despised me; I had always been able to tell. And yet since we had been….involved, I could always catch him throwing glances towards me, especially when he didn't think I was watching. He spent most of the time ignoring me, unless I made a point to come to his room, where he had no choice but to pay attention.

I hated how suddenly needy I felt sometimes. It had to be because of Saix. There was no other explanation. I was independent; I didn't need anyone to take care of me. Saix, all his fault. I didn't recognize myself anymore when I stared into a mirror. Being here was causing more problems for me than before. I should have never tried to roll that damn car. Originality does not give you bonus points when trying to kill yourself.

The memory of that day began to press against the fringes of my mind. I pushed back against them, focusing on Axel, who was just staring blankly out the window. He glanced over at me for a millisecond, before focusing back on the outside world. Ever since his meltdown over a week ago, he had been giving me strange looks, as if I had done something I couldn't remember. I wanted to ask him, but something deeper down was telling me not to.

"Looks like the snow closed the roads. We had to cancel all visitations today and tomorrow." A nurse crossed directly in front of me, talking to a monitor that was leaning against the wall, looking bored.

"Again?" He sighed. "I'm not ready to deal with upset mentals again." He rubbed his hands over his eyes. Clearly they didn't realize that I was sitting a mere few feet away. I slowed my breathing, focusing on not moving.

_Mentals. _That was their nickname for us. As if they were higher up on the food chain in life; they were the lions, and we were the dumb wildebeests that would follow each other off of a cliff. Well, lions spent two-thirds of their day sleeping, unaware and so obliviously secure in their place in the circle of life.

An unexpected pang hit my stomach. My mother was meant to come see me today. _Early evening, I'll be there. _She had said. She hadn't come to see me since shortly before Thanksgiving, always claiming work wouldn't let her off for a few hours, saying she was too worn out at night and just wanted to relax. Seeing me wasn't relaxing. I was her disappointment, the biggest let down in her life.

_She wouldn't have come anyway. _I told myself as the monitor and nurse walked away, still complaining about their jobs.

"Why are you sulking in this corner like a bad child who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar?" Larxene was suddenly peering down at me, her hands poised on her hips.

"I'm not in the mood for you." My eyes bored into hers, but she didn't budge. Instead she sat down on the floor by my feet, placing her feet on the side of the bookcase. She stared straight ahead at the brown paneling.

"Damn, it's cold over here. Why are you over here anyway?" She glanced out the window at the blowing ice crystals.

"This entire building is on fire. It always is whether the sun is beating down or there is five feet of snow outside. I can't take it constantly like that." She trilled, leaning her head back against the wall.

"I don't understand you sometimes. You do the strangest things, its entertaining." She smiled brightly at me.

"I'm not a cold-blooded snake like you." She only laughed again.

"Yes darling, but you can be a cold-_hearted _snake. That's why we get along so well." She sighed almost in content, stretching her legs out higher up the bookcase, trapping me in even more.

"But seriously; I don't know how long I can take talking to you right now. I'm freezing. If you wanted cold so much, just go jump in the snow. I'm sure that will cool you down real quick." She shivered fiercely, most of it mocking and fake.

"You don't understand Larxene." I looked over her head at the clock on the wall, seeing how much time I had until she would be forced to go away.

"Oh sure I do. Too many late night romps with Saix; I'm sure I would be hot all the time too." Her traditional sweet smile crossed her face as she stared up at the ceiling.

"Let me be for once will you? And no, that's not why. It is just unbearably hot in the damned place, all the time." I hissed under my breath, hoping not to attract too much more attention. Since she had sat down, several people have looked over at us more than once, swiveling their heads around to try and see who she was talking to.

"Come on Marluxia, you know you love me! And I know you well enough by now to know when something is bothering. So come on, confide in me for once. It's not like I'm going to tell anyone. You are the only one I share all the gossip with." She scooted at close as she could to me, her voice dropping down to a whisper. "Alright, spill princess."

"Larxene, it's nothing." I whispered back.

"You'll feel better if you tell someone. And I know you aren't going to tell Saix, so you might as well tell me." She persisted; keep her eyes steady on mine. Her sarcastic tone was gone, and she almost seemed sincere. But I knew better.

"You say you know me well by now, and I know you too. You have no concern of what is bothering me, you only want blackmail and something new to poke at me about." More cold air shot out of the vent, and I gratefully accepted its presence again, reveling in the goose bumps it produced.

"No, I really do want to know. You'll feel better."

I contemplated it, returning her steady gaze. Finally I sighed, looking away. "My mother was supposed to come and visit me today, and she can't because of the blizzard." Larxene was silent, still watching me, as if she already knew there was more. "She hasn't bothered to hardly talk to me since before Thanksgiving, so I guess it is kind of disappointing." I could feel her still looking at me.

"Aw, so you miss your mommy?" I could hear the smile in her voice. My throat burned. I knew I shouldn't have told her. But just as soon as she had spoken, she sighed. "I guess I can understand that. You're her biggest disappointment right?"

My eyes rose to look at her face again, a mask of seriousness. "How do you know that?" The corner of her mouth cricked up.

"Well, I guess I don't know directly, since both of my parents have been supportive of me." I started to reply but she cut me off. "Yea, yea I know that's strange right? Everyone else's parents are either embarrassed are disappointed or emotional wrecks and smothering like Demyx's mother. But mine are supportive, maybe a little too much. They believe that this is just one of those bumps in the road in my life and it will make me successful when I'm older." She snorted. "But anyway, it is my aunt that is the problem. She is this big success story, and she refuses to acknowledge me as part of the family anymore. She is always bothering my parents to dump me and make me live on my own when I get out of here. They haven't budged yet, but I sometimes get afraid that they will, and when I get out I'll have no place to go." She took in a deep breath and let it out. She had been staring straight ahead of her, lost in her story.

"I've never heard you talk that much without pointing out someone's flaw." I said, unable to take my eyes off of her. Her face was soft and she almost looked like a small girl, lost in her own world. Her eyes weren't gleaming with unrequited joy, no snide remark poised on her lips.

"Yea I know. But I figured since you were so insecure about your problems, you would feel better about telling me your issues if I let you know that I'm not as perfect as I look." The familiar smirk twitched across her lips. She finally looked away from the ceiling and back at me.

"Trust me Larxene; you never could pull of perfect." She giggled softly.

"Yea well, only you figured that out." She stretched out as far as the small space would let her, yawning and looking strangely content. "And if you tell anybody, just remember; I know where you sleep." She shivered again and stood, looking around the room.

"Oh look, it's almost lunch time." She looked back at me, her face no longer soft and contemplating, but back to its usual composure. "Nothing leaves the corner, right?" She didn't bother to wait for my reply, but waltzed off, patting Roxas on the head as she passed him. He spun around, giving her a strange look. She kept walking, disappearing around the side of the bookcase so I couldn't see her anymore.

"She's a strange one, you know that?" I didn't bother to turn around to look at him. When I didn't bother to answer him he changed the subject.

"Some weather huh? Hollow Bastion is such as weather dump. It's weird, because Radiant Garden doesn't have crazy stuff like this. Seriously tornadoes on New Year's Eve? I bet it will be sunny tomorrow and all the snow will melt." He was rambling. About weather of all things too.

"Lumaria, I don't really care right now." I heard him shift positions.

"You're upset about your mom, aren't you?" He said softly, suddenly sentimental.

"Just because I told Larxene it doesn't change how I feel about it." I said. Air had stopped coming out of the vent, though cold air still lingered in the corner. I focused on it, knowing all too well that it would soon diffuse and it would be hot again.

"I didn't think it would. Why did you tell her anyway though? That's not like you. You hardly tell anyone your problems; it's even hard for me to get things out of you sometimes."

"They are not problems; they are stupid little annoyances that shouldn't matter." Axel heard me, glancing over at our direction. Instead of looking away this time, he kept looking at me. I knew that he knew who I was talking to. The look in his eyes was one I had never seen on Axel. He looked curious but haunted at the same time. Lumaria noticed I wasn't paying attention to him anymore and leaned around the bookcase.

"Who are you looking at?" He asked, scanning the room until he spotted Axel, who had turned and started to walk away.

"Lumaria." I said slowly, watching Axel walk away from the window, glancing back at us once as we went. "Did you do something to him?"

"To Axel?" He was still watching him too. "What makes you think that?"

"He has been acting strange around me since he had that breakdown last week that ended him up in the hospital wing. And just now he heard me answer you, and he knows who I'm talking to even though he can't see you. I haven't done anything, so it must be you."

Lumaria looked positively startled and looked back at me. "Of course not. Why would I? And even if I wanted to, I wouldn't be able to." He seemed completely confused and slightly upset.

"It has to be you. What did you do?" Nurses were now moving around the room, gathering people to take them to the dining hall.

"Mar why would I? Why are you accusing me of this?" He was angry now, throwing his hands around as he spoke.

"I'm not accusing you; I just want to know if you did." I kept my voice smooth and calm, a contrast to his at the moment.

"Well I didn't do shit!" He cried, still throwing his hands around as if he didn't know what to do with them. He mood swings wore on me.

"Lumaria calm down, it's just a simple question." He gritted his teeth and refused to look at me.

"Yea sure, I know what you're getting at."

"Would you just listen to me for a second and stop…"

"Marluxia? Who are you talking to?" A nurse was looking down at me, her eyes darting around my small corner.

"No one." I stood up quickly, indicating that she should move out of the way. Lumaria was still there, watching the nurse with narrowed eyes.

"I am _not _no one!" He hissed, pushing away from the wall and following after me and the nurse.

"What did you want me to tell her? They don't believe that you're real." I shot back at him under my breath. The lounge was all but empty, everyone already in the hallway. The nurse had started talking to another, obliviously ignoring me whisper harshly at the air.

"Why don't you just tell her you were talking to me?" He pressed, refusing to let it drop.

"Because that's the whole reason I'm here in the first place! If I want out, I need to convince them that you aren't there anymore." I retorted. We turned into the hallway. Already the heat was setting back in, making every movement slightly uncomfortable.

"Fine, fine." He said, crossing his arms and looking away from me.

"Oh come on you've known that since I came here." He kept ignoring me, looking to the other side.

Finally he sighed. "Yea I know. I just don't want you to actually want to get rid of me." He said, still not looking at me.

"Lumaria I couldn't get rid of you if I wanted to, and trust me, sometimes I've really felt like it." Despite the last part, he smiled.

"Yea well sometimes I'm not fond of you either." He was still smiling, so I could tell that he wasn't serious. "But you need me Marluxia."

"No I don't." True, I couldn't remember a time in my life without him, but I could survive without him.

"Yes you do. You just don't want to say it."

"No Lumaria, I really don't." He just looked away and continued smiling to himself, as if he knew a secret that no one else did. I sighed and looked away from him, wishing that he would leave. Once we reached the doors to the dining hall, he lingered for a moment, leaning sideways against the door frame.

"I have things I got to do, so I guess I'll see you later." He said, still strangely at ease. "You understand right?" He eyed me as if I looked upset or scared.

"Of course I do; why wouldn't I?" He smiled as if this reassured him. I turned and walked into the room, knowing without looking back that he was already gone.

* * *

I decided that I needed to mend things with Saix, whatever those "things" may be. He had been more and more distant to me, usually only coming to me when he wanted something or felt like he had to.

I caught him after dinner, pulling him into a near empty hallway.

"What is it?" He asked, impatient and constantly looking around, anywhere but at me.

"What is wrong?" I asked him point-blank, clearly taking him by surprise. His brow furrowed.

"What are you talking about? There is nothing wrong." He was looking straight at me now, eyes no longer wandering impatiently around the hallway.

"Then why are you constantly avoiding me? Or acting strange?" I pressed.

"I'm not." He said, not hesitating in the slightest. He seemed so sure of himself.

"Yes you are, don't try to convince me otherwise." I said. He sighed and reached out, wrapping his hands around my gently around my elbows.

"I don't mean to, I've just been busy, something that I hope you will understand. " He paused, suddenly applying pressure and pulling me closer to him. "But you know what you mean to me." He smiled, though his eyes didn't seem to hold any of the same emotion. I didn't answer, waiting to see if he would say more.

When he didn't, I spoke up. "Then spend some time with me tonight. You haven't in a long time." I tried not to sound as needy as I felt like I was being.

Immediately his smile dropped. "No Marluxia, I'm busy." He said, pulling away from me, slightly pushing me back and away from him.

"What are you busy with here?" I asked. He looked at me straight into my eyes, his own eyes suddenly eerily blank and cold.

"I'm busy." He repeated, taking another step back from me. He turned on his heel and walked away, not sparing me the chance to argue. I watched him leave, so determined to get away from me. There was a sudden pang in my chest that could be identified as hurt.

He is avoiding me. The realization of this hit me with a much bigger impact than I had expected. The first thought that crossed my mind was childish and stupid. _What had I done? _I had somehow made it back to my room, quickly closing the door behind me and leaning against it, staring straight ahead out of the window.

_You don't need him, you don't need anybody. _I thought over and over to myself. _Especially to take care of you. _As soon as my train of thought hit this, everything inside of me tightened, hurt spreading unexpectedly through my body, the core of it in my chest.

I had always been left to fend for myself my entire life. My parents divorced when I was young; my dad leaving so he could travel from world to world, meeting everything from lions to living rag dolls. He would call, when he remembered. That is until I called him the night before I checked into the mental institution. I had only heard from him once since then, and he was just "checking to make sure I hadn't offed myself yet." Yet. As if he expected the news any day now.

As for my mother, she never had time for me. She hadn't wanted or been ready for a child, and even thought I was now legally an adult, she still wasn't ready. My childhood was all baby-sitters and being dropped off at distant relative's houses for unknown amounts of time. My adolescent years were dotted with long nights away from my house doing things I could hardly imagine normal-lived teenagers did.

And now I had found something solid, or what I had assumed was, and immediately gotten attached without even realizing it. Until now, when something I assumed would always be there decided it couldn't be there now, didn't want to be.

My mind drifted back to my long gone father. _Just checking to make sure you didn't off yourself yet son. _A thought occurred to me as I sat down on my bed, pushing plant pots to the side so I could look out the window. I had never told him that I really had tried to "off" myself.

That day was burned clearly in my memory, like a wine stain on a whit carpet. I even remembered what I was thinking. The worlds would continue without batting an eye. Even when I could finally get my care to flip, be airborne, land upside down like I was aiming for. Dogs would still be barking, children crying as their ice cream hit the pavement. Blitzball, Struggle tournaments would not pause or freeze just because my life did. All these images were so clear, as if I could see them all happening simultaneously in my mind.

I could also still see Lumaria yelling, screaming at me in the passenger seat, pleading for me to stop as I kept failing to flip the car and just skidded off the road instead. But he never reached over, tried to physically stop me. And when I finally succeeded, hitting a guard rail hard enough to flip over it and down the hill, Lumaria was suddenly gone and I was to die alone.

It was about three-thirty in the morning, so I didn't expect anyone to find me until the sun was up for at least a few hours. I was staring straight ahead out of the passenger side window, not remembering exactly how I ended up in the position, unable to move if I wanted to. Everything was getting fuzzy. It was almost like feeling like falling asleep, but different. I could feel it, the finality of closing my eyes.

And then abruptly I was alert, and screaming. Partly from the pain of being moved from a spot I thought I was clearly meant to stay in, and partly because of the realization that someone was rescuing me, pulling me away from the car that was just now a pile of unidentifiable metal. I couldn't be saved; it just seemed impossible and didn't go with my plan.

When I was in the hospital was the only time I could recall my mother caring or fussing over me. She was there constantly, watching, wringing her hands and occasionally crying.

Then, after about a week, the doctor announced my move to here until I was deemed "mentally stable." I was staring hard at the small plant on the bedside table while my mother fought furiously with the doctor in the hallway. The plant was so sure on its path in life, growing up, up , until nature just decided that its lifespan was spent. Its life purpose so simple, grow until it just dies. No problems of side roads.

I glanced around my dark indigo room at all the plants that were placed in it. All of them growing until it was decided that they had lived as full a life as they were meant to. I liked the stability of plants, the sureness of their path and the contentment of knowing this. I stayed looking at the plant closet to the foot of the bed, the one that the petal had fallen off of and I had given to Saix.

How could I believe that he was my rock? I was my own rock. I had gotten this far, I could still continue my life such as it is, when I got out of here. I would probably never see Saix again after I left. I didn't plan on seeing any of them again, not even Vexen.

Vexen. I looked away from the plant and at the clock; I bet the old insomniac was still up. I thought, leaving the bed and slowly opening the door, silently rejoicing that the door was unlocked. The hallways were busier than I had expected, and it took several minutes to get up to Vexen's room.

When I knocked, the door opened almost immediately. The look on Vexen's face was almost comical, as he clearly wasn't expecting it to be me. Seconds later he lips were pursed together, eyes narrowing.

"What do you want?" He said expression as unchanging as ever. I drank in the sight of him. He was nice to look at. Something strange attracted me to him that I had yet to figure out, but I wasn't bothering with it too much.

"I wanted to talk to you." I ducked under his arm and let myself in, sitting down in my usual place on the edge of the desk.

He closed the door, returning to this chair. "About what?" He didn't look at me, but I knew what was going through his mind. _Resist him. He's just an annoying kid. _He had yet to resist me.

"I didn't have a certain topic." I swung my legs back and forth like a short attention spanned child.

"Marluxia, I don't have time to talk to you about nothing." He retorted, drumming his fingers on the desk lightly.

"What else are you going to do?" I asked. He continued staring straight down, silent.

"Fine. I get to pick the topic." He said, finally raising his head to look at me. "Are you okay?"

The question took me off-guard. I stopped swinging my legs. "I'm fine. Why you do ask?"

"I saw what happened with Saix in the hallway today." He replied coolly, still looking at me. For once, I was unable to look back at him.

"Oh." Was all I said. I had come to see Vexen to get my mind off of that.

"He's not good for you." He continued, heavy silence quickly following his words.

"Oh and you are?" I bit off the end of the words, surprised by the bitterness in my tone.

"No, what I'm saying is that he is mentally abusive to you. You are a toy, a temporary one." Vexen said calmly. He raised a slim eyebrow at me.

"I am not. And if I was, I could easily stop it. I'm not his lap dog." MY words lost the bitterness I had held before, now that I wanted it.

"Marluxia, you are attached to him. You can't just cut him off like you say and you know that." He hadn't talked to me like this before. He seemed concerned.

"What does it matter? Especially to you." My voice was still weak, no confidence present.

"Honestly, I have no idea why I give you damn. You are so intolerable, but at the same time I hate seeing you hurt and in pain." This was not the Vexen I knew. He was never this focused or concerned about me.

"You're attracted to me." I smiled, watching him as he processed this.

"You are too. You started it, with your damn tease natured and uncontested attractiveness." He sneered, back to the grumpy old man I knew.

"So what are you going to do about it?" His sneer deepened as he scowled.

"What do you mean Marluxia?" He asked, sounding incredibly annoyed and tired.

"I mean exactly what I said." I leaned forward so I could see his face better. "What are you going to do about it?" I repeated, lowering my voice.

He leaned towards me, staring heavily into my eyes but he didn't do what I expected and pulled away from me. "Go to bed." He said, eyeing my incredulously.

"Why?" You aren't going to be sleeping anytime soon either." I straightened back up, ignoring the slight disappointment.

"You need to." He stood and grabbed my wrist, gently, and pulled me off the desk, opening the door with the other hand. "Trust me." With that he nudged me out into the hall.

"Good night." The door clicked. By now, the halls were empty save for the night guards.

I grumbled and cursed my way back to my room. Kicking me out was the last thing I thought he would do. I grabbed the knob to my door, turning it roughly. IT didn't budge. Surprised, I twisted it hard both ways until I noticed the lock was slid shut. The keys were needed to lock and unlock them.

I stared at the door, cursing my bad day that kept getting worse, even thought it was minutes from being over. A night guard rounded the corner, whistling. Quickly, I ducked back into the staircase, taking the stairs three at a time. I heard the guard start up the stairs just as I rounded the corner at the top. He had no idea that he was following me.

Once again I found myself at Vexen's door, knocking in quick, short raps. I waited; listening to the guard's whistling bounce off the walls of the stair well. Vexen didn't answer. Slightly panicked now I rapped harder, hitting my knuckles against the wood again and again until the door finally creaked open.

Without hesitating and bothering with formalities, I pushed it open the rest of the way and quickly slipped inside. I shoved the door shut with my foot. Vexen just stared at me.

"What in sans hell are you doing back here again?" He was cross. I noticed that the room was now dark, lit only by the moonlight. The comforter on the bed was thrown back and ruffled.

"My door was locked, and there was a guard." He just stared at me.

"So you came back here." It wasn't a question. He rubbed his hand across his eyes.

"Of course I did." I pressed up against the door, listening for the guard. Silence met me. Relaxed, I backed away from the door and turned back to Vexen.

"When are you leaving? I'm tired, and I want to go back to bed." He crossed his arms, narrowing his eyes at me.

"Where do you want me to go? My door won't be open until morning." He sighed again, looking over at the door, an almost longing expression on his face.

"You can't stay here." He said finally, still looking away.

"Why not? Why are you so bent on getting rid of me tonight? You usually give in." I glanced at his bed, suddenly realizing how tired I was.

"Because Marluxia we can't continue this. You belong to Saix." He replied, a strange tinge on his words.

"I thought you were just trying to convince me earlier that he was no good for me." At this his eyes narrowed again.

"Don't try to twist this around. You know what I'm saying. It is only a matter of time before he finds this out." He sounded sort of…sad at this.

"Oh and what do you think he has been doing all these times that he is too 'busy' for me? I know he has had something with Xemnas for ages now." Abruptly I stopped, my words taking myself by surprise. Vexen caught onto this and smirked.

"Finally admitting things to yourself?" He said, his smirk growing.

"And you admitted earlier that you are indeed attracted to me." I said, crossing my arms over my chest.

"I told you, don't try to twist this around. You have to go. We can't do this anymore." The feeling of hurt spread from my chest again at his words. I looked down at the carpet. Out of the corner of my eye I could see that he was still looking at the door.

"Come on Marluxia. You know I'm right. You are such a confusing boy to me, and I can't figure out what draws me to you. I am no fan of yours, you know that. And yet, I feel like I need you, which is downright asinine. Breaking this off seems to be the most logical thing to do. Even if this was something besides mindless attraction between us, it wouldn't be solid." I continued to stare at the floor, refusing to believe what he was saying.

"But there is an attraction, one that you know if you break this 'thing' off will drive you crazy and you will still be trying to figure it out. So it is a pointless move to do so." I was right, I knew I was. The silence from him only proved my point further.

"You can't, you can't." I started mumbling, trying to twist my mind around what was happening. I balled my hands into fists, digging my fingers hard into my palm.

"Marluxia please." Vexen's voice cut through my ramblings. I stopped so I could hear him, but he didn't say anymore. My breath quickened, and a mantra started running through my head.

_You're fine, your okay, everything is alright. _Over and over, I focused everything on the words, but I couldn't get myself to believe them. Nothing was ever supposed to end up like this. I was never meant to become so attached, to dependant on someone else, and somehow I had become stuck on two people. But now it seemed like I needed Vexen more than Saix, though I would prefer it that I needed neither. Vexen was right. This was nothing solid and my relationship, whatever it was, with Saix wasn't solid either. I was still alone in the world, trying to hold onto something fictitious.

I must have been cracking, because suddenly Vexen's arms were wrapped around me, pulling me towards him. My head connected his shoulder. I could feel his breath on my hair, cool and steady. He held me as close to him as he could, saying everything he needed to through touch. He couldn't let me go, no matter how hard he tried to.

"You're okay, everything will be okay." He murmured into my hair, sounding almost like the mantra that had been running through my mind. We stayed like that for a long time, until I pulled back far enough to look at him. He looked back, eyes unreadable.

"You can stay here tonight, but it doesn't mean that we should keep this up." His lips were thin, almost in a grimace. He turned towards the bed and pulled me after him. Willingly, I followed, letting him pull me. The sight of the bed reminded me again how tired and worn out I was.

The bed and sheets were cold and comforting, and immediately I relaxed into them. Vexen lay down after me, lying as close to the edge of the bed as he could get and still be in the bed. I pressed my back against the wall. I closed my eyes, listening to him shuffling around and toss and turn.

After awhile he sighed and moved towards the center of the bed. I waited a moment before gravitating towards the middle too. I didn't fall asleep until he had wrapped an arm around my shoulders, surrendering to his emotions.

* * *

Getting back to my room was tricky. Sometime in the night whoever had forgotten to lock Vexen's door had come back and locked it, so I had to wait until it had been unlocked again. I was almost back to my room when I was confronted by a nurse who was standing in front of my door.

"How are you out of your room?" She was holding the key in her hand, looking suspiciously at me.

"I had a minor problem. Another nurse let me out of my room. She must have locked the door again after I left and forgot." The lie came smoothly. I gave her my best smile, and immediately she gave in.

"Well, you must be right. We have a few new nurses that are kind of airheads." She nodded, convincing herself of this. Spinning around she unlocked my door, pushing it open for me.

"Thank you." I breezed past her into the room. Being in it felt strange, as if it has been eons since I had left it. I moved around to each of the plants in the room, checking each one as I passed it. All of them were fine, slowly moving inch by inch towards the end of its lifespan.

Saix hardly acknowledged me most of the day, as per usual. Now however, it didn't bother me as much as it had before. In fact, I hardly paid attention to it.

It wasn't until the day after that, when I was sitting on the couch on the lounge, shamelessly watching Vexen move about the room. I felt my hand sink on the cushion next to me as sudden weight appeared next to me. I looked up, surprised to see Saix occupying the once empty space, smiling at me.

"Hey." His voice was light and talkative. Instantly I felt my guard go up. He was different, acting like he used to around me in the beginning. Slowly as time went on he acted like this less and less. This was the first time he had came to me first in ages.

"Hi." I replied, remembering that I needed to acknowledge him sometime. "What is the matter." I continued. He looked confused.

"Nothing is the matter. Is there something the matter with you?" He said. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Vexen stand up from his usual chair, brushing invisible dust off of him.

"No. But you're talking to me. Willingly." I kept watching Vexen, who was now studying an unseen spot on his shirt.

"Is that wrong or something? Marluxia, you are mine, and I can talk to you when I want to." The harshness that had been the norm with him for what seemed like ages now lined the edges of his words.

"Well why are you suddenly not 'busy?'" Vexen had turned and was starting towards the door when Lexaeus suddenly intercepted him. They started talking, Vexen crossing his arms over his chest.

"Because I'm not busy. I want to talk to you." Saix sounded determined. He reached out and placed his hand over my knee. As if by instinct, I tensed. I thought of what Vexen had told me a few days earlier. _Because Marluxia we can't continue this. You belong to Saix. _Just minutes ago Saix had said something similar without even realizing it. _You are mine. _Vexen was right, I couldn't have them both. It was irrational and I couldn't continue like this.

"Marluxia." Saix snapped. I focused only on him. His eyes narrowed. He had noticed I wasn't exactly paying attention to him.

"There is something strange about you today." He continued, having completely dropped the relaxed tone he had sat down with.

"I could say the same about you." I replied. Over his head, I watched Vexen finish with whatever he was saying to Lexaeus and walk out of the door, leaving without a backwards glance.

Who said that out of the two the one I had to be with was Saix? Clearly, Saix and I were not working, both of us knew it.

"Fine. Clearly I am not on your agenda right now." He pulled his hand away. "But I will find you later." He stood up, nonchalantly kissing my forehead before he turned away and left, but not before exchanging what I'm sure he thought was a sly glance with Xemnas as he passed him. I watched him leave, the sureness and determination that had punched his parting words.

I couldn't just be rid of him, like I had foolishly thought. I couldn't explain it, not even to myself, but Saix had dug his hook into me more than just a 'relationship.' I wasn't even sure what it was between us. I re-played the vision of Vexen leaving in my head again. I couldn't just get rid of what was with Saix, but I wasn't ready to give up Vexen. I had to accept that now.

I pushed off the couch and took my own turn leaving the room. I gave the monitor a smooth excuse that he immediately bought, and quickly left, heading back towards my room. It was midday, and the halls were packed. I weaved my way through the crowd, avoiding as much contact and attention that I could.

I was almost to my room when something behind me made me stop short. It felt like someone was staring at me, trying to burn holes in the back of my head. Quickly I turned around, just as a nurse in a stark white uniform walked passed me. I had just realized that there was no one staring at me at all, when the nurse's hand shot out and latched hard onto my arm just below my elbow. It hurt, and it _burned. _

I yelped, throwing my other arm out to push the nurse away. They seemed unfazed as they let go and continued walking away. I examined the burn mark on my arm that grabbed almost all the way around that was in the perfect shape of a hand, such a dark color I instantly knew I would always have the impression of it there. I spun around, looking for the nurse, who was nowhere to be seen. The white should have been easy to spot, since none of the patients or staff ever wore it since Dr. Dunbar had declared it too 'hospital-like' of a color.

But there was nothing unusual, and the nurse was gone. I kept staring in disbelief in the direction the nurse had disappeared.

"Marluxia? Are you alright?" I turned back to face a nurse who I recognized, wearing a bright pink dress. She was looking at me, concerned. I had been rubbing at the spot on my arm as I had been looking for the mystery nurse. The pink nurse noticed I was holding onto my arm and reached out and pulled my hand away.

"Is there something wrong with your arm?" She asked, tilting her head to the side. I wanted to scream at her, _of course! Can't you see the massive mark on my arm? _But just as I opened my mouth to yell at her I noticed there was nothing there. The hand impression that had been so clearly burned onto my skin was gone.

_Impossible. _There was still pain and the burning sensation was making it hard to concentrate. "No, I guess not." I stammered. "I really need to go the restroom."

"Alright, but just find me if you need anything, okay?" She backed off a few feet, watching me warily. I turned and went passed my room and into the bathroom, running the facet on the coldest it could get over my arm. The burning feeling numbed a little, but I could still feel it. But my skin was clear, no trace of imperfection on it. It was almost like the handprint was burned underneath my skin.

Eventually I turned the water off. The burning was still there, prickling and painful.


End file.
